I thought I was improving, but I feel like shit right now

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by A loser, Mar 23, 2010.

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  1. A loser

    A loser Well-Known Member

    The last few weeks things have been getting better for me, I finally got talking to people who had the same problems as me and who understood them (people on this forum) and my physical health seemed to have improved.

    You may know from my other threads that I seriously damaged my spine while on national service and this was at the root of many of my problems. I'm having intensive physiotherapy for it and it seemed to be improving, but tonight it has gotten really bad again and I am unable to do basic things becuase the pain is too great. I just feel like I will never get better. It was depressing enough having to give up sports. Then I got thinking about how shit my life is in reallity. I had to quite my phd course, I had to give up my work, I lost the only girl I have ever truly loved and I can't even get work now because I am not allowed to lift anything . I used to paint and sell my paintings, but I can't even do that anymore, because my concentration is so bad from all the pain meds I get given. I have no real family and although I have some good friends I don't want to start going on about my problems to them and risk losing more people I care about. I just wish I were dead. My life is ruined and I doubt I will ever get better. I'm so alone, i'm crazy and I know everyone hates me.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 23, 2010
  2. empty101

    empty101 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about your condition :(

    Looks like you've hit a really rough spot in life. You're not crazy and everyone doesn't hate you... you're just depressed (you're not a loser either). I've been there, I've wanted to die. Whenever I'd see a truck drive by I'd think "what if I jumped" and had those thoughts reoccurring every day.

    It sounds like you're mental health is directly dependent on your physical health. Don't go thinking you're crazy, there's nothing wrong with your mind, you've gone through something really rough. I used to think I had all sorts of personality/mental problems, but really my problems had a very straight forward cause in my life. If you've gotten better before, I'll bet you can get better again.

    I hope once you start feeling better you go back to painting. Or if you can't do that, I'd suggest trying to learn an instrument (take your mind off things, you know?).
     
  3. A loser

    A loser Well-Known Member

    Thanks, I already play instrumetns, but I had to give that up aswell (my doctor said I should not put the weight of a bass or guitar on my back). I feel like I am a shadow of myself and can't do anything. I just want someone to hold me and tell me it will be okay (like my grandmother, who cared for much of childhood, used to do. I know that sounds pathetic and not masculine at all. It probably is. I just.... scared. I can't stop shaking and I feel cold. I can hardly type, i'm sorry.
     
  4. empty101

    empty101 Well-Known Member

    There were times when I was really depressed where I'd curl up into the fetal position, and wish there was someone there to care.

    How come you're scared? :(

    and P.S, thought of trying a flute or something?
     
  5. A loser

    A loser Well-Known Member

    I'm learning piano now. I don't think I have the natural talent for it that I do on the stringed instruments, but at least it's something I can enjoy and a challenge.

    I'm scared for my future and that i'm alone, i'm scared about my pain and that my back will get worse agian (even the doctors are not sure) and that I will end up mad like my mother and kill myself. I don't want to keep letting everyone down. . I just keep crying and shaking. I feel my life is a train wreck.
     
  6. empty101

    empty101 Well-Known Member

    Try not to think too much about the negative. What if you do recover? What if one day your back gets better and better and the pain gets less and less?
     
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