I thought I'd clean the house first, but I don't think I care.

I'm 34. I was married at 25 to the guy I'd dated since I was 19. In April he left me for a married woman and her 14 month old. Not his baby, the timing's impossible. I never did anything with my degree (and it's a useless degree anyway), I was busy being the perfect wife.

I think he ruined my life. Objectively I'm pretty. I don't look 34. 128 pounds of curves, big green-blue eyes, long wavy blonde hair. I say this because it's part of the problem, part of the pointlessness and the ruined life. I meet people everywhere. I just can't believe in them. I don't think I ever will.

My husband was my hero. He held himself out as someone with principles, someone who believed in all those intangibles like honor and love and duty. He was my reason for having faith that the world was an okay place. Except now he says he was lying. He lied for 14 years. Every happy thing that ever happened to me was fake. Every trip, every "just because" present, every kiss goodnight, every time I fell asleep feeling safe and loved and lucky -- all a lie. No one ever really cared about me. I was alone all those years and I didn't know it.*He*destroyed*my*past and my future at the same time. I've come to
realized from his behavior that there isn't anything backing those intangibles up. You can't ever know if someone is honorable, if they love you, if they will do the right thing, until something terrible happens to test them. And by then it's too late because you already care desperately about whether they pass the test or nor.**

Oh, and I miss my house terribly. We designed it and had it built and I loved everything about it. I miss my garden, I miss the woods, I miss the bunnies and the deer, and I know that I could never afford a place like that on my own if I lived to be 100.

It takes a year to be divorced here. I'll be 35. 35 and single. I'd like a baby -- but that means taking a huge leap of faith with someone, someone I won't have time to know all that well. there won't be years of shared history, there won't be time to learn to trust. I don't even want to try to do that.*

I want to kill myself tonight because when I look at the best case scenario for me, it doesn't look like a life worth living. **

 

Please don't take your life.

i held the same beliefs with someone for 20yrs now i'm 41
feel everyday like my life is over.

Don't lose faith in who you are, none of this is your fault.
you are worth so much more than you think.

Please don't allow these feelings to take you over, i haven't
been on here long myself.

there will be members along soon that can help you more
but i felt i needed to say something

 

I know someone who was in a similar situation. He and his wife divorced after 20 years, the wife left for another man. He tried to kill himself, but later thought better of it. He is now enjoying a life he wasn't able to while he was married, he is also meeting new women to find a new love.

You look young and have a beautiful body, there are plenty of men who could want you. You don't have to commit and jump all the way to marriage, date for a few years and see how it goes, there are plenty of oppotunities.

It is time to enjoy living for yourself.

 

I have something like a boyfriend. He's objectively great. He's cute, athletic, a great cook, employed, and thinks I'm wonderful. Unfortunately I just don't care very much. Every nice thing he says and does . . . well, I've heard it all before a million times and in the end it meant nothing. I don't think he'll ever be able to prove he's different. The part of me that could believe that is already dead.

Truth be told, I have a life too, of sorts. I play roller derby, I have friends, I work out all the time, I go to art classes and concerts and all kinds of stuff. I try to want to live the life that's left to me. But compared to my old life and my dreams, it's not worth anything.

 

I've been in the corner of the sofa for 18 hours or so. Me and the cat. Every time I wake up I take and drink XXXXXXXX. Not enough to kill me, just enough to go back to being unconscious. Just don't want to be here, awake, feeling anything.