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I thought it was killing me - until I realized it had already killed me

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by wimsoe, May 6, 2009.

  1. wimsoe

    wimsoe Account Closed

    I am 22 years old.
    I have no job.
    My highest level of education is grade 8.
    I am in collection agencies and it is being recommended that I seek an attorney.
    I have no decent references.
    I have approx. $2
    I have hurt everyone around me.
    I have never met my Father.
    I was raised by my Mother - which is a story unto itself.
    I was tossed around foster homes, group homes, friends, streets. My Mom was too unstable to raise me.
    I was made fun of at school for not being able to afford cool clothes. In order to deal with this, my Mother, who was collecting welfare, took me shopping at BiWay.
    She ended up working at BiWay.
    I lost my virginity to an 18 year old black guy named 'Grip'. I was 13.
    I had been to about 15 schools.
    I went up to almost 200 pounds and dropped out of high school.
    I ended up bulemic - since then I have been thin, but it's start to hurt now and my teeth are decaying.
    I have stolen from people. I can't be around drugs or alcohol because I need them.
    I have been in 3 psych wards.
    I am currently listening to the sobs of my Mother coming from upstairs.
    One time when I was 16 I freaked out and accidentally hit her in the temple with a mug and gave her stitches. She likes to think I did this on purpose.
    After that, I went into the garage and started beating myself up with a 2x4.
    That was one of the times I was sent to the psych ward.
    I have burned all of my bridges.
    I have no family.
    Last Christmas eve I got drunk and my Mom dragged me out the front door by my feet. I woke up Christmas morning in a homeless shelter.
    I was kicked out of the homeless shelter and ended up on welfare, rented a room, in a basement, with no windows and about a 10 inch tv.
    I also smoked some crack at that time. Drank A LOT.
    She never has and she never will!
    I finally got accepted into college and failed both semesters.
    I am going nowhere in life.
    I just moved back home - I binge eat and she can't take me eating her food.
    I just finished listening to the most hurtful things you can hear from your Mother (now she's beating up my cat)
    She has been shreiking, screamin, growling - all night. A wild look in her eyes.
    She screams at me everything imaginable...things that stick out are: "I have not one ounce of love for you in my body. Why do you think I didn't come to the hospital in February. You're a dyke and a bitch"
    I kept trying to stay calm and nod my head and just say okay but then she grabs my legs and yells at me to stop saying okay.
    Then she shrieks that she hates me and that I am not her daughter, have never been her daughter, and to get out of her life forever.

    I don't even have enough money to drink it all away.
    SO the only solution - one day soon I'm going to throw myself in front of a subway. Not during rush hour though, don't worry. Wouldn't want to stress anyone out.
  2. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    I have a lot of things in common with you. You're not alone.
  3. canis-lupis

    canis-lupis Well-Known Member

    I am sorry to hear you are in so much pain, if you feel the need to rant then please feel free to pm me, welcome to sf & I hope it will help you as much it has others :hugtackles:
  4. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Welcome to SF. It's very positive that you felt comfortable enough to share your issues with us. Right now, I think you should deal with the issues you can control (like staying away from the drugs and alcohol and stealing) and then the ones that are more difficult later on, one at a time (rebuilding relationships, etc...).

    I know right now it seems impossible and I know this sounds simple and I know you're hurting...but things can and will work out for you. We're here for you. Give us a chance to help you through some of this.

  5. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to read that things have been this way for you.

    Is there anyone like a relative that you could stay with? Also this is easier said then done but try to get off the drugs and reduce your alcohol intake. Their not doing you any good.
    Think about getting back into college as well.

    This all may seem like a lot but you can do this and thus put stability, direction
    and happiness into your life.