I thought it was over but it seems it's always been there.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JudgeDredd, Oct 15, 2013.

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  1. JudgeDredd

    JudgeDredd New Member

    Don't really know where to start so I'll try and put it in some sort of order.

    For about 7 years, I had a really happy relationship with a girl who I expected to spend the rest of my life with. Then about 2 years ago, I made a choice which would ultimately separate us. The choice resulted in me being put away for a year, it was financially orientated offence. Anyway, she walked and I am now out and have to deal with everything. I haven't managed to get a job yet, albeit its only been a few weeks since I was let out. I find myself waiting for her to come home even though she doesn't live here anymore. I miss her so much, I don't think about stopping at junctions and I just swell up everytime I think of her. I don't talk to her as she doesn't want to talk to me and it's just horrible. I feel like without her I've lost the magic I had in my life, the magic that allowed me to do well in my career and my personal life and because of that there is no hope in me.

    I just can't seem to see any point in going on without her. Nothing interests me, I get bored really quickly and all I can think about is her. I go out with my friends and get chatting to girls and all I think about is "Your not her" and "where is she, why isn't she here?". My mates are really good and supportive but I'd swap them all for her.

    I feel like it's just easier for everyone if I just finish things. Thankfully I don't have any children. What's the point? It's not like she is every going to come back!
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi. Glad you found this community. I think its a good one. You say you were put away for a year. How long have you been out? Because it sounds understandable that your compass may be completely out of balance just in getting out after a year. And then adjusting to not having her on top of it.

    Are you getting help with putting your life back together? Because I am sure many parts of your life fell apart during the time before you went away. And then while you are away. I would think it takes some real help to put a life together. Perhaps in a different way.

    I used to have a theory for life transitions. It was called "the vacume". As I described it ( from my own expereinces) we can see where we were. But thats gone now. And there is no way to see where we are going. Because we are not close eough to it to see it. All we can see is the vacume. The emptiness. That can be disoritnting and frighting. It can feel like we are noplace. And it can feel like this is all the future holds. Add that to the expereinces you have been through of things falling apart, and I would think you need some real support and help irl to slowly rebuild a life. I think one you do that, you may find that the magic you so rightly long for wil return.

    Please post as often as you want. I do think this is a great community.
  3. JudgeDredd

    JudgeDredd New Member

    Thanks 'Flowers'. I guess I never saw it like that. I am fighting for assets we have, they are pulling emotions of me which are anger and they are being thrown towards her. If I didn't then I would end up with nothing. I've been out now just under 7 weeks. I think I know where I am going but sometimes I spend so much time and effort that after the storm has passed again, I sit and think - Am I doing the right thing? Is this what I want? I have family and friends and they have supported me, there is little by of direction from them as they don't know what to do and they told me a long time ago to give up on it all. I miss her so much, I don't know if I am simply fighting with her over things because it is the last thing that connects us and I can't bare to let that go or if I really want it for me and just me? I just want to speak to her but that's not going to happen as she doesn't want it to.

    I feel like I'm always putting it on my family and friends, and they know the whole situation but no one knows the emotions I feel about it all. They are just overwhelming and constant.

    I'm stuck in this life because of what I did and the person I did it for and now she isn't here and I am and I have to live with that without her. I've got myself somewhere to live and I've done everything on my own as if I didn't, I would be living out of a carrier bag I'm sure.

    Nothing in life is the same, just my feelings for her and what she continues to mean to me.
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