I thought things were going okay...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lethal Photography, Aug 14, 2007.

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  1. Lethal Photography

    Lethal Photography Well-Known Member

    I had a bad time from the last month of last summer to about 3/4 of the way through the school year. The beginning of the summer was the first time I cut. I didn't bother to try and hide it, so I had this long cut along the back of my arm for a few weeks. A few weeks before school started, my parents noticed the scar and sent me to a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with depression and put on anti-depressants. The medicine made me hyper and I was given a mood stabelizer in addition. After the medicine still wasn't having any good effect(I was still cutting, two attempted suicides, etc.), I was diagnosed bipolar and was taken off anti-depressants. Then I went through a bunch of different medicines because of various side-effects(being awake for 5 minutes a day, shaking so hard I couldn't write, etc.). I was taken out of school for two months. See, all this time there had been tons of times I had almost been sent to the hospital and the last time at this point it had happened, I had been a half hour away from admission when my mom decided we were going to Canada for a week instead. Doesn't make a lot of sense, but yeah...They decided going to school was stressing me out too much. After the two months, I was put in the Home and Hospital program, where tutors come to your house to teach. I insisted I be taken off medication. A few days later, I was hospitalized at a horrible place. I had members of the staff tell me I was stupid, was talked down to, there were paper clips lying around, and it was just all-around bad. I started telling them what they wanted to hear and was released by the end of the week. As soon as I had the opportunity, a few months later, I stopped taking my medicine. My parents wouldn't have found out if a friend hadn't called them. They let me stay off the medicine though, as I had been off of it for 2 weeks already and they hadn't noticed a difference. And then I was fine for a while. Then all of my closest friends went away to music camps for the whole summer, and even though they're back now, they're impossible to get in touch with. I don't trust my parents or my sisters. They're decent people but I just can't trust them. I've spent the summer sitting in my room listening to music, staring at the wall, and cutting. I'm more careful about hiding it though and no one suspects anything strange because I've always listened obsessively to my music. But tonight I just want to end it. They told us ways at the hospital(see how stupid that was?) so I don't think I'd be stopped again.
  2. LonelyKid

    LonelyKid Well-Known Member

    That is so much to go through.
    I'm not going to pretend I know how you feel or that I know what it's like.
    You've been strong so far through all this why go now?
    I couldn't stand anti-depressants. And medication DOESN'T fix everything as you know. I do know what it's like to not be able to trust your family. I couldn't tell my family any of the stuff I've been going through especially if they would rather put you on meds than help you. We will though. We'll help. Message me, us, and talk about it here. Keep strong. You deserve something good after all that.
  3. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    You know. Cutting yourself and hurting yourself are not solutions. I know people have told you this most likely and that you don't want to be preached at. I don't want to preach but I'm just trying to say honestly that there may come a day when you will regret cutting.

    I used to cut myself when I was a teen. This was way before the internet and I had no idea anyone else did it. Nobody talked about those kinds of things in those days.

    Anyway, I'm 34 today and I still have the scars. Fortunately, they're all in places that are easy to keep hidden. But I can't hide them from myself. I haven't cut in a very long time but those scars will stick with you for a lifetime. They don't go away.
  4. JFonseka

    JFonseka Active Member

    I do not understand why people cut themselves in response to depression, but I won't criticize, each one has their own way of dealing with things, but you have to understand that momentary feeling you get of cutting yourself gives you some kind of power/sense of being alive/surreal/ is only momentary.

    Medication will suppress, not fix, so it just means you will either be on medication all your life or you will be unhappy all your life, if you want happiness you have to change it, if you can't change it then reach out spiritually...God, cause He can.

    Cheers, hang on, don't committ suicide, there is always a path that leads to happiness in life itself.
  5. Lethal Photography

    Lethal Photography Well-Known Member

    Actually, I don't cut in response to the depression. I just like to see the blood, that's all. Thanks everyone for responding. It' nice to be able to talk without worrying whether someone will try and put you in the hospital or tell someone who will.
  6. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Well, I just hope my response didn't seem too judgmental or anything.

    You should realize, however that the people who would try and put you in a hospital are mostly just concerned about you. If they didn't care about you, they'd just let you do it and ignore it. They may not understand but they probably do care.
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