I thought things would be different*LONG*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ~PinkElephants~, May 6, 2008.

  1. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I figured once I got a job, got the car situated, etc. some of the burden would be lifted. I thought maybe people wouldn't ride my ass so much. I thought that I'd actually, maybe, kinda have a life of my own. I was sorely mistaken. Not only do I still have the weight of the world on my shoulders when it comes to Dylan but I've just had more piled on. I don't ever get a break. I'll never get a break. I will die a lonely old woman. I will never ever live for me. Dylan comes first.

    My days consist of waking up at 6:15am. I get up and get Dylan up. I get him dressed, get his teeth brushed, hair brushed, backpack packed up, and his lunch(that I packed the night before)put into his bag. I make sure I put 1.00 in his bag for breakfast at school or 3.00 if he doesn't pack a lunch for hot lunch. Next I get ready. I do what I have to do for me which consists of quickly brushing my hair, tossing on jeans, tshirt and ratty sweatshirt. I pack my lunch and bag for work. I brush my teeth and get Dylan set to go hop in the car to drive him to the busstop.

    I get to the busstop with Dylan, Morgan and Mackenzie(two girls basically stepsisters) in tow. I wait for the busses to come take the kids off, then get myself off to work. While at work I do what I have to do but once 230pm rolls around I start panicking b/c I'm not sure if someone will get Dylan off the bus. God knows his father is too incapable of that. So I text my younger brother and Dylan's dad. I call my neighbor to make sure someone is getting him. Monday and Wednesday's Dylan has baseball so when I get home from work I get him ready for baseball and take him to his games.

    At night...cook dinner for Dylan, make sure his homework is done, pack his lunch for following day, give him shower, pj's, teeth, and bed. It's never ending.

    Now that I have money I buy Dylan's groceries, I buy him what he needs. If he needs stuff for school I buy them. If Dylan needs food I buy it. If Dylan needs clothes my father and I buy it.

    I'm getting tired of my life. I love Dylan to no extent. He is my whole world and I think that's part of the problem. I do not seperate Dylan from my life. I don't have a life. It's Dylan all the time and I won't/can't change that. Without my father, without me..that child would suffer. His father is incapable of making life about his child. My brother puts himself first and foremost and that will never change. I don't doubt his love for Dylan but he's an irresponsible, horrible father. He doesn't have any concept of how to raise a child and Dylan's mother is no better. She hasn't talked to him in over a month and I overheard him saying he doesn't care anymore.

    Dylan is going to grow up a troubled boy. I hope with me in his life that I can stop that or at least stifle it some. I do not want him to grow up wondering where life screwed him over like I have. I don't want him feeling like I do...trapped and alone. I want him to see how loved he is. I want him to know that his life was not created out of hatred. I just wish there was a happy balance between my life raising Dylan and my life itself.

    I know if something doesn't change I will either have a nervous breakdown or worse....and that scares me b/c I can't leave Dylan alone...I just can't.
  2. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I'll make sure I become a little bit more emo from now on and tell people that I'm cutting and popping pills. maybe then I'll get/deserve some fuckin' support, eh?!

  3. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    :mad:or better yet...better yet I won't speak at all anymore. That's what people want anyways right. I'm tired of it. I'm fuckin' sick of feeling like I'm worthless and expendable. I'm sick of feeling like I have tot ell people when I'm self harming or when I'm popping pills to simply hear an "Im sorry or Get better". I will let the weight of my world swallow me whole and you won't have to hear from this fuckin worthless C U N T anymore.
  4. ari

    ari Staff Alumni

    Kells...you arent any of those aweful words that you called yourself. I am sorry things are so overwhelming...I hear some of your words echoing mine....making everything fit in the day and still having to deal with the thoughts...and well everything...just know that i hear you, dont have many answers or suggestions, since i dont have them for myself...just wanted you to know that I cared. take care and be safe.
  5. Carcinogen

    Carcinogen Well-Known Member

    It's admirable the care you take of Dylan, there are many who wouldn't, who would put their own needs immediately first, you should be proud.
    I don't really have any advice for you, but you are definitely not worthless.
  6. Cath

    Cath Staff Alumni

    You're not worthless and you deserve as much support as anyone else.
    You're a caring person, you look after your nephew trying to make him have a good life when you are suffering in the process.
    How many people are like that?
    Someone needs to slap his parents :mad:

    I'm around if you want to talk, I might not be a good talker but i'm a good listener :smile:
  7. me1

    me1 Well-Known Member

    :hug: Kells. Msn if you need to talk.
  8. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    funny it took that me much to get some support. Me threatening to announce when I self harm or destroy my insides.

    Yeh, thanks for the supportive words. I appreciate the sentiment.

    Ari, I'm sorry my words echo within you and you can relate. It's not a fun feeling at all. :hug:
  9. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Things are supposed to be different.

    Tonight I took Dylan to his baseball game and brought Mackenzie with us. I got him dinner, gave him a shower while Dylan's father was off playing golf doing as he pleases. He comes home and gives Dylan a hug and walks upstairs to play xbox. He doesn't ask how his day was or what he did today. He didn't ask about his baseball game either. It's relentless. It's never ending. I wish my head would stop for a second but it won't. I wish I could rest without being constantly stressed out about what the next day will bring.

    My brother gave me money for groceries today. A whole ten dollars. Joy, right?! My brother is hardcore handing over a whole ten dollars for 100 dollars worth of groceries.