I figured once I got a job, got the car situated, etc. some of the burden would be lifted. I thought maybe people wouldn't ride my ass so much. I thought that I'd actually, maybe, kinda have a life of my own. I was sorely mistaken. Not only do I still have the weight of the world on my shoulders when it comes to Dylan but I've just had more piled on. I don't ever get a break. I'll never get a break. I will die a lonely old woman. I will never ever live for me. Dylan comes first. My days consist of waking up at 6:15am. I get up and get Dylan up. I get him dressed, get his teeth brushed, hair brushed, backpack packed up, and his lunch(that I packed the night before)put into his bag. I make sure I put 1.00 in his bag for breakfast at school or 3.00 if he doesn't pack a lunch for hot lunch. Next I get ready. I do what I have to do for me which consists of quickly brushing my hair, tossing on jeans, tshirt and ratty sweatshirt. I pack my lunch and bag for work. I brush my teeth and get Dylan set to go hop in the car to drive him to the busstop. I get to the busstop with Dylan, Morgan and Mackenzie(two girls basically stepsisters) in tow. I wait for the busses to come take the kids off, then get myself off to work. While at work I do what I have to do but once 230pm rolls around I start panicking b/c I'm not sure if someone will get Dylan off the bus. God knows his father is too incapable of that. So I text my younger brother and Dylan's dad. I call my neighbor to make sure someone is getting him. Monday and Wednesday's Dylan has baseball so when I get home from work I get him ready for baseball and take him to his games. At night...cook dinner for Dylan, make sure his homework is done, pack his lunch for following day, give him shower, pj's, teeth, and bed. It's never ending. Now.... Now that I have money I buy Dylan's groceries, I buy him what he needs. If he needs stuff for school I buy them. If Dylan needs food I buy it. If Dylan needs clothes my father and I buy it. I'm getting tired of my life. I love Dylan to no extent. He is my whole world and I think that's part of the problem. I do not seperate Dylan from my life. I don't have a life. It's Dylan all the time and I won't/can't change that. Without my father, without me..that child would suffer. His father is incapable of making life about his child. My brother puts himself first and foremost and that will never change. I don't doubt his love for Dylan but he's an irresponsible, horrible father. He doesn't have any concept of how to raise a child and Dylan's mother is no better. She hasn't talked to him in over a month and I overheard him saying he doesn't care anymore. Dylan is going to grow up a troubled boy. I hope with me in his life that I can stop that or at least stifle it some. I do not want him to grow up wondering where life screwed him over like I have. I don't want him feeling like I do...trapped and alone. I want him to see how loved he is. I want him to know that his life was not created out of hatred. I just wish there was a happy balance between my life raising Dylan and my life itself. I know if something doesn't change I will either have a nervous breakdown or worse....and that scares me b/c I can't leave Dylan alone...I just can't.