I thought this was over!

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by lostlonely, Aug 25, 2011.

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  1. lostlonely

    lostlonely Member

    In my previous 2 posts, the first one I had made a decision that suicide was the answer and I had made that choice, I think, rationally. My second post was the after effects of my attempt and being found by my social worker from cmht (even though noone was due to see me the day I chose, I still have no idea why she called!!)

    I discharged myself from hospital as I was left waiting 8 hrs and was still with my SW (she said she would have made the same decision but couldn't advise me) and knew I had a pdoc appointment the next day. I spoke honestly with her although everything is still very hazy from the overdose the previous day and she asked if I wanted to die or just go to sleep so the intrusive memories would stop - I said my intention was to die.

    She asked how I felt and I said I don't know (I had so many emotions I really didn't know) and she said that was fine to not know. We looked at my meds (am struggling with side effects on a lot of them) and she said I am still on 1 week prescriptions until she feels I can have more tablets around me - I said I wouldn't OD again as I was obviously bad at it. She told me she was glad I was still here and she that she wasn't patronising me, she genuinely meant it (which was nice, but still don't believe!)

    Anyway, that was Tuesday and since then things have been going downhill. I was really sure on monday that I wasn't meant for this life anymore and to go ahead and see what happens after life and I had a kind of peaceful feeling that I haven't felt for a very long time. And now I have so many things going through my head, the overwhelming one being - just do it now - family think I am away with friends and friends think I am away with family from today until tues and I know my SW is on hoiday until tues as well so noone from cmht will bother me.

    But then why I am writing this - is it just to get my point across so I feel complete and justified or am I subconciously wanting help - I don't know :( If I do it tonight then I have 4 days until anyone would ask any questions of where I might be - seems the best time doesnt it?!?!
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Perhaps you want to talk, to let someone understand what you feel?
  3. lostlonely

    lostlonely Member

    I'm not sure I know how I feel :( maybe thats the point - maybe I just need to go now!!
  4. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    No you do not need to go, you need to think about your thoughts - do you automatically think certain things? Like not believing your SW.

    I am sorry you had a bad experience at hospital.
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Lostandloneley,
    I think you are askinng for help..Talk to us, don't clam up and hold it in..You came here looking for help and we want to help you.. We just need some more info..Don't do anything rash..Keep talking to us..
  6. lostlonely

    lostlonely Member

    I am just not sure what to say - I will answer questions if I can but my mind is so muddled at the moment and think i'm still having after effects of my OD as I can't sleep and have had a terrible headache since

    I don't believe my pdoc that she was glad I was still around, no - I have only met her twice and she doesn't know me so to say that seems pointless.

    The problem is I can't see an an end to things. I see that cbt can help me change the way I view the events of my ptsd but it will never change the fact it happened or that there are just bad people in the world. And do I want to be part of a world where I can't be safe - thats the question that I keep asking

    Sorry probs not making much sense - just trying to say how I feel at the min
  7. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    You are making sense, do not worry.
    You are right CBT will not change what happened but it will help you realise that bad people are rare, and you can do things to keep yourself safe from them. You can feel safe again.

    Your pdoc will already realise you are a good person in pain from past events and she will see you as someone she can help, she will care about you.
  8. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Just checking in to see how you are doing today...please let us know...we are here to support you...J
  9. roscho

    roscho Well-Known Member


    When I grill a great steak, I'm talking about a perfect ribeye, and grill it to absolute perfection with all my favorite seasonings... there are still bites, sometimes several, that aren't great - perhaps a little gristle, etc... not every bite is the great steak, but when I'm finished dining, I look back on the meal as a great meal. I think life is like that. Not all people are good - but many, if not most, are. Unfortunately, to know what good things/people/events are - we must have bad ones to make us recognize the good.

    Keep working through this.
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