Ah , his reaction was kind of what was expected. He is worried about finances , if I get the admission. I told him I am looking for scholarships and will apply for same. He is trying to pursue me to do different courses. People here in India , often they don't take risks. There are three main jobs - doctor , engineer and government worker.
My course is different , anyways ahm we will go. One of my documents hasn't arrived yet after I went for the renewal last month , so I asked him to see that.
I feel good I told him , I also feel a bit sad because he don't really support me and I just know my mom's reaction will be , it just will not be good but I will have to tell her nonetheless.
There was so much silence in the house as we were talking , I know some people were eavesdropping lol
Anyways , this is scary but also I am just idk feeling mixed things.
My big thing was telling my father now it's telling my mom , I have to tell her because I will be needing some money from her for the application fee and also because I will be skipping school on my admission test day and like obviously she would know that day so
I am scared of my mom , she will probably tell and maybe even ask me to quit or not give the money. This is scary.
I am scared because -
My course doesn't guarantee necessarily financial freedom , though my father was sort of suggesting some financially good jobs that I can do after some courses according to him , and I told him I wasn't interested in the courses he was suggesting and i believe that if we are interested in something and do it with all our will , the money will come itself.
I am not sure okay , I don't know much finance. I never even had a job. Maybe I am delusional but I just know that people , people who do something different do take risks. ( Different as in for example my course choice is different from what the majority here are pursuing ) And I know that my happiness isn't completely dependant upon money , I don't wanna end up with a job for the rest of my life I hate. This is very important for me.
So my mom will be like
A : we aren't rich and the expenses will be too high
B : out of country is too far for me to go
C : the course ain't even important ( according to her obviously)
D : she doesn't love me , she won't say it but yea and if I was my brother I would have higher chances of going with it without conflict cause he's like a guy and my mom just love him , also because very importantly they think he can be a retirement plan for them
Ah I am anxious , I am not saying my mom wouldn't let me have the test.
She can say no , I don't trust her. I do know I am stubborn and can get myself through it and give the admission test nonetheless. I just hope my fucking uncle won't insert his nose there because omg then this just
Then I have very lower chances of going after this , if he says no.
So , I hope my mom will be in a good mood and I ask her this and it goes well and I will ask her to not tell my uncle. Yea , that's the best. He will hate it but by the time he will get to know , I am thinking the day I will go to give my admission test , everything will be done. The application , the test so he wouldn't be able to stop me.
There's high chances that he will abuse though. Agh , but I hope I will make it.
I am just scared of being abused. That's the main thing I am scared of and obviously not being able to go. I approached my dad calmly ( I googled the tips lol )
And my dad doesn't support me but I know we will go together hopefully hopefully to the admission centre.
Damn is it tough but I just hope everything goes well. I am so anxious though lol
Also , one more thing because I am not a guy and this country plus my parents especially my mom basically they support patriarchy. So , because my expenses will be more expensive then my brother's expenses they probably have a problem. Cause like I am not worth that much money or efforts because I am a girl , according to them obviously.
I hope my brother won't get jealous and say no and yes his opinion shouldn't matter but he's got a dick lol and as I said my mom loves him right and he's the supposed new man like will be the new man of the house right , this all sounds so disgusting but just how they think
So like his opinion will matter , especially if my mom and my uncle is like " don't do it " but their flames are still ain't that high and then my brother is also like " no " then yea
You know , confirmation bias ? That. Idk , what is it called , validation bias?
Basically, if I think something is wrong and 4 other people join me , my opinion gets stronger. Does that make sense ?
Sooo I am scared of that too , very much.
This is all so scary but I am also excited for things to work out and I hope they will.
Let's fucking go I guess , and if they won't let me pursue this , they will pay for it forever cause I might find a way to top however but I won't forget what they will do. ( Gotta motivate myself and also tell myself that if this will happen , the worse I am assuming and so anxious about cause I know how they are , how they have behaved in past right , that's how anxiety functions. But also knowing the world won't end is important , I guess )
Ah.. in india the whole being dependant upon your parents, basically I just feel like the whole system ain't good. I don't love my country but this sucks , maybe if I had a job I wouldn't be so scared about finances. Maybe if my parents would be there teaching me all this , it wouldn't be so scary.
Fuck it. Just thinking about it makes me sad.
It just feels like a lot of non experienced and it is true , who aren't even sure , those people have babies and it just feels like a large proportion of the country is like so.
...
I am just anxious and in grief too.
That's all.
My course is different , anyways ahm we will go. One of my documents hasn't arrived yet after I went for the renewal last month , so I asked him to see that.
I feel good I told him , I also feel a bit sad because he don't really support me and I just know my mom's reaction will be , it just will not be good but I will have to tell her nonetheless.
There was so much silence in the house as we were talking , I know some people were eavesdropping lol
Anyways , this is scary but also I am just idk feeling mixed things.
My big thing was telling my father now it's telling my mom , I have to tell her because I will be needing some money from her for the application fee and also because I will be skipping school on my admission test day and like obviously she would know that day so
I am scared of my mom , she will probably tell and maybe even ask me to quit or not give the money. This is scary.
I am scared because -
My course doesn't guarantee necessarily financial freedom , though my father was sort of suggesting some financially good jobs that I can do after some courses according to him , and I told him I wasn't interested in the courses he was suggesting and i believe that if we are interested in something and do it with all our will , the money will come itself.
I am not sure okay , I don't know much finance. I never even had a job. Maybe I am delusional but I just know that people , people who do something different do take risks. ( Different as in for example my course choice is different from what the majority here are pursuing ) And I know that my happiness isn't completely dependant upon money , I don't wanna end up with a job for the rest of my life I hate. This is very important for me.
So my mom will be like
A : we aren't rich and the expenses will be too high
B : out of country is too far for me to go
C : the course ain't even important ( according to her obviously)
D : she doesn't love me , she won't say it but yea and if I was my brother I would have higher chances of going with it without conflict cause he's like a guy and my mom just love him , also because very importantly they think he can be a retirement plan for them
Ah I am anxious , I am not saying my mom wouldn't let me have the test.
She can say no , I don't trust her. I do know I am stubborn and can get myself through it and give the admission test nonetheless. I just hope my fucking uncle won't insert his nose there because omg then this just
Then I have very lower chances of going after this , if he says no.
So , I hope my mom will be in a good mood and I ask her this and it goes well and I will ask her to not tell my uncle. Yea , that's the best. He will hate it but by the time he will get to know , I am thinking the day I will go to give my admission test , everything will be done. The application , the test so he wouldn't be able to stop me.
There's high chances that he will abuse though. Agh , but I hope I will make it.
I am just scared of being abused. That's the main thing I am scared of and obviously not being able to go. I approached my dad calmly ( I googled the tips lol )
And my dad doesn't support me but I know we will go together hopefully hopefully to the admission centre.
Damn is it tough but I just hope everything goes well. I am so anxious though lol
Also , one more thing because I am not a guy and this country plus my parents especially my mom basically they support patriarchy. So , because my expenses will be more expensive then my brother's expenses they probably have a problem. Cause like I am not worth that much money or efforts because I am a girl , according to them obviously.
I hope my brother won't get jealous and say no and yes his opinion shouldn't matter but he's got a dick lol and as I said my mom loves him right and he's the supposed new man like will be the new man of the house right , this all sounds so disgusting but just how they think
So like his opinion will matter , especially if my mom and my uncle is like " don't do it " but their flames are still ain't that high and then my brother is also like " no " then yea
You know , confirmation bias ? That. Idk , what is it called , validation bias?
Basically, if I think something is wrong and 4 other people join me , my opinion gets stronger. Does that make sense ?
Sooo I am scared of that too , very much.
This is all so scary but I am also excited for things to work out and I hope they will.
Let's fucking go I guess , and if they won't let me pursue this , they will pay for it forever cause I might find a way to top however but I won't forget what they will do. ( Gotta motivate myself and also tell myself that if this will happen , the worse I am assuming and so anxious about cause I know how they are , how they have behaved in past right , that's how anxiety functions. But also knowing the world won't end is important , I guess )
Ah.. in india the whole being dependant upon your parents, basically I just feel like the whole system ain't good. I don't love my country but this sucks , maybe if I had a job I wouldn't be so scared about finances. Maybe if my parents would be there teaching me all this , it wouldn't be so scary.
Fuck it. Just thinking about it makes me sad.
It just feels like a lot of non experienced and it is true , who aren't even sure , those people have babies and it just feels like a large proportion of the country is like so.
...
I am just anxious and in grief too.
That's all.
