I told someone.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Feb 9, 2011.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I managed to tell Sam about what happened. She was supportive. It was so hard to get it out. I started and stopped a lot. I explained how I had never really had feelings about it before and they had only just started recently. I feel worse for talking about it. I never thought I would feel this way. She said what everyone else on here had said. I told her it was going through my head a lot recently. I also talked about how I tried to kill myself on Friday night, while in a hospital and how I now felt about that which is nothing.

    I said I didn't want to be a victim. I also said that it added more weight to the diagnosis they are trying to pin on me of PD. I have never told anyone before about it. Well I had but I didn't explain in detail. I didn't say I didn't want to. She said I could report it and she would help me. I said there was no point as was so long ago, I never actually said no and it was in a different country. There would be no way, no way at all of conviction. And I would be torn to pieces in court, ripped a part. That's even if it got that far which I doubt it would as of lack of evidence. And also the way I feel about it. I think if I was in the position of law enforcement even now one persons word against anothers with no evidence if I was on CPS I would not take it further. So I am not going to put myself through that. And, it would make me a victim. I haven't been for the last 11 years. I am not going to be one now.

    I feel awful for actually having talked about it. I feel like I just want everything to be over with. I want to blank everything out. The only way I see that happening is death. I feel more suicidal than I have ever been. I do feel it's only a matter of time.

    The evenings are the worst now. In the day I am on placement and I am so busy I can distract myself. I am a different person. The person who gets out the car once she is there is not me. It's someone who doesn't have any problems, can hide them, is someone else. Why can't that person follow me home. It's like I am 2 people. I want to be 1. I want to be that career minded, motivated person. I don't want to be this person who as soon as is at home goes to her room, starts researching suicide methods, starts self harming. Why can't this person stay all the time?
     
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i'm glad you told. you are very brave. give yourself some credit. the rule in these situations is "don't tell" and you are breaking that. there's bound to be some psychological backlash. good for you. you might feel worse for a bit but that will pass. keep talking to sam. way to go.
     
  3. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Im also glad you told, even though you may not feel it now, its a part of the healing process.

    I understand how you feel about being 2 people, when at work I fuction well, keep busy, mind occupied but when at home and I get a minute to start thinking of other things it takes over and sometimes becomes uncontrollable.

    The thoughts your having, well its a way for you to get through the day, our minds tell us that death would be so much easier than living like we do, BUT its now and never will be, the thoughts and feelings are wrong, not you at all. The person you are, is the one that wants to help people, hell just the career path your choosing shows how much life you have in you and your past will help you be able to help so many. Think of what your doing, its a huge positive thing, its unselfish, and huge hearted to want to do things that will help others in life.

    I agree give yourself some credit in what your doing in life, yea we all have our hard times, and yes sometimes it will be to much, but your a strong person that can overcome and will overcome what it put in front of you. I know you can and you know deep down you will.

    Hope that opening up has taken some weight off your shoulders and opened up your mind to believe that it can get better.

    Hugs to you, your doing a great job, keep it up!!!!!!!!
     
  4. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I sort of regret talking about it. I think talking about it makes it more of an issue than it already was. I have written on my blog all about it. I have also written everything which has gone on before.

    I am fine at work. I didn't want to go this morning. I was sitting doing my hair and I was feeling so shit. I didn't want to get out of bed. Once I am there I am ok an something in me takes over. It makes me feel worse in a way as I am functioning all day which often takes so much effort. But then I get home and it's worse as I have supressed things all day.

    I've just had a letter from people in PsychMedicine (PM) that was sent to the pdoc also. It was awful. She didn't seem to hear what I was saying at all. She has got so many facts wrong also. It drives me mad when they do that. As when I correct it when the pdoc says something looks like I have lied or am lying. She obs didn't listen. It was someone who I had never met before and she hadn't even looked at my file before coming to assess me. What worries me now though at each assessment they ask me if I want to come in to hospital to be assessed. I have never had that before. How much longer is it going to be before they say either come in voluntarily or we will section you.
     
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