I managed to tell Sam about what happened. She was supportive. It was so hard to get it out. I started and stopped a lot. I explained how I had never really had feelings about it before and they had only just started recently. I feel worse for talking about it. I never thought I would feel this way. She said what everyone else on here had said. I told her it was going through my head a lot recently. I also talked about how I tried to kill myself on Friday night, while in a hospital and how I now felt about that which is nothing. I said I didn't want to be a victim. I also said that it added more weight to the diagnosis they are trying to pin on me of PD. I have never told anyone before about it. Well I had but I didn't explain in detail. I didn't say I didn't want to. She said I could report it and she would help me. I said there was no point as was so long ago, I never actually said no and it was in a different country. There would be no way, no way at all of conviction. And I would be torn to pieces in court, ripped a part. That's even if it got that far which I doubt it would as of lack of evidence. And also the way I feel about it. I think if I was in the position of law enforcement even now one persons word against anothers with no evidence if I was on CPS I would not take it further. So I am not going to put myself through that. And, it would make me a victim. I haven't been for the last 11 years. I am not going to be one now. I feel awful for actually having talked about it. I feel like I just want everything to be over with. I want to blank everything out. The only way I see that happening is death. I feel more suicidal than I have ever been. I do feel it's only a matter of time. The evenings are the worst now. In the day I am on placement and I am so busy I can distract myself. I am a different person. The person who gets out the car once she is there is not me. It's someone who doesn't have any problems, can hide them, is someone else. Why can't that person follow me home. It's like I am 2 people. I want to be 1. I want to be that career minded, motivated person. I don't want to be this person who as soon as is at home goes to her room, starts researching suicide methods, starts self harming. Why can't this person stay all the time?