I took yesterday "off"

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by ToHelp, Mar 30, 2008.

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  1. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Hi everyone,

    Wrote this last night and my spasming MSN TV 2 just cut off:

    Well it's nearing 2 a.m. where I am and I'm about to retire, but before doing so I really need to talk. Or to be heard. Or hugged or something.

    I got up around 11 a.m. this morning (Saturday morning) and I just forfeited the entire today as though I were sick with a cold or something.

    Spent the entire day indoors watching TV lol.

    So utterly alone. Just so alone.

    (I need hugs, take the cue.)

    I proclaim that I'm not depressed but I guess that's a white lie. I'm not DEPRESSED depressed but I'm certainly dysthymic. With each day I mourn my life and it never seems to end.

    Intellectually, I know that an improved quality of life requires "getting out"; requires action on my part. Therein's the Catch-22, of course. I am just so tired spiritually. I actually did a Google search: "Is love necessary for survival?"

    Because I have one of the starkest existences you can have without being locked up (imprisoned) or something. lol

    I want the answer to be "no, you don't actually need to be loved by another in your life" because that attaining it is sooo far out of my reach.

    I'm so tired. :sad: Not suicidal but that one question keeps nagging at me; worrying my conscious like a dog might worry a bone. The question is "What is life without love?"

    I don't know what to do, guys. I am--consciously or not--burdened by my isolation and by my past.

    I would love to make some changes in my living circumstances (not being independent cuts off so many opportunities), but the money isn't there.

    Life is expensive.

    Back to today (present time; Sunday afternoon EST): Life is expensive. I found a store that carries my MSN TV 2 as I'll be needing a replacement. But I don't drive and the dispatcher informed me the cab-fair one way--just 6 miles--would cost me $18-$20.

    I'll wait and until later this week and take the bloomin' bus. :rolleyes:

    I am TIRED, dead tired, dispirited, still without the Xbox 360 distraction that brought me joy, and having a loveless life weighs heavily on my shoulders every day. Every day - for I must ask: Then what really matters? What alone transcends time; even life itself. Loved ones.

    It's a quandary and I must each day find renewed initiative to move onward.

    ToHelp
     
  2. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    In a flash, I found my answer. It is as though I came here to learn a lesson. Hope. It is hope that sustains me. And now I must leave for my own well-being. I hope you won't think too ill of me for leaving on a positive note, but I should like to leave you all with the following two concepts. Serendipity and synchronicity -- look them up.

    :hug: ToHelp
     
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    great post. have you read this? it's about recovery, resilience, and hope. i reread it when i am at my lowest ... particularly for the part about setting down roots in the middle of our winter(s) so that we can grow again when spring comes around.

    http://www.bu.edu/resilience/examples/recovery-conspiracyofhope.txt

    i think you will like it

    catherine
     
  4. Hurted

    Hurted Well-Known Member

    :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
     
  5. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    :hug :hug: :hug:
     
  6. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the hugs... I've been away; turns out I had to replace my media player/PC ("MSN TV 2"; nobody knows wtf it is. lol!)

    I'm cruising swiftly now. That's the important thing.

    Look. I'm getting PMs. Too many people are encouraging suicide to other members and I keep hearing about it.

    Goddamnit it's NOT "ok" to "be ready"; NOT ok to be "at peace with the idea."

    On OTHER FORUMS it is.

    On SF it is plain unadulterated "Fucked Up."

    "Ok"? Hell No.

    And people ought to have the moral fortitude to say it.

    I stand ready to argue this bent thinking any time, any place, no longer misplacing my anger towards the staff of SF -- whom, I might say, has been well-balanced / mature enough not to ban or even warn me.

    SuicideForum is a PRO-LIFE / ANTI-SUICIDE forum I am finding besieged by a bunch of people quietly egging on, whispering to "go on - Do it. Do it. Do it."

    I see it in my PMs, and that is why to the degree that troubled, influential minds are hearing that messeage, this place is highly toxic. And so. I've an ambiguous relationship with SF so far, such that my signature most definitely refers to SF.

    But like I said. Thanks for the hugs.

    danni, Hurted, dazzle - :hug:

    ToHelp
     
  7. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i'm glad you are unabashedly pro-life. as i said on another thread, i'm here to learn how to live, how to survive, and to tip the scales in my life away from feeling suicidal. over all, this site has worked well for me in that journey back to life.

    i also have noticed the "i support you no matter what" posts, and although i don't agree with them i've never been sure how to respond to them. i just ignore them and try to make my answer to the original poster on a thread more persuasive.

    so, tohelp, here's TO LIFE!

    xo

    catherine
     
  8. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    lol :smile: Though mine is not just some flippant "HOO-HA," narrow and unthinking position, where all scenarios are considered equal.

    If I were ever completely paralyzed like that of the late Christopher Reeve with prospects for recovery being glim to none--there's an instance where I'd say "shut this thing off and set me free".

    Nor am I always consistent on the subject, making the occasional gaffe or contradictory post (which, like a political campaign, some people will just seize on--"Gotcha!" lol)

    Hey, I ain't a robot ok? lol

    Moving on, if I were ever just hit in the face with some advanced cancer or other carcinoma that is really ugly to fight--having witnessed so much pain myself and having no loved ones in my life to actually stay in the fight FOR (Reeve did), I reserve the right to a more humane death and to not be racked with pain, fear, and panic in my dying days.

    And here's where I commit the crime of cliche.... :biggrin: But I gotta do it: For many on here, suicide WOULD be that "permanent solution to a temporary," perhaps even goolish problem to have. The key word is temporary.

    I fully get that I can never live other people's emotional pain but so many things are fixable Catherine, right? I just grimmace when I see those "hey I support your decision either way" posts you talk about. Too many of these troubled people are looking for validation. Too many of these people are in a vulnerable, malleable emotional state of distress over something that will either pass or can be fixed.

    ToHelp
     
  9. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    it's so true that most things are fixable... funny you should choose that word. when i landed at the psych ward all i wanted to know from the interviewing psych was "can you fix me?" ... he laughed; answered, "am i a carpenter? are you a piece of furniture?" ...

    my experience with depression has been that when i'm at my darkest, i am asking entirely the wrong questions; so it's no wonder i come up with the wrong answers. i'd ask: why am i always alone? i'd answer: because you are a loser. my question might have been: why do *i feel* so alone? reality is, i was not alone... i just couldn't see the love that surrounded me because my thinking was so tangled.

    another example. i'd ask: how do i stop the hurt? i'd answer: kill myself. i'd ask: should i do it tonight or tomorrow? the correct answer to that last one is do not do it tonight, do not do it tomorrow.

    catherine
     
  10. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    That's a funny. :) And you, incisive about asking the wrong the questions. Surely enough, one can get correct answers to the wrong questions. (You said, "wrong answers" but we're in agreement when you think it through. :))

    "it's so true that most things are fixable..."

    Or have a way of mending, passing, or scarring over with time. If you've (generic "you") been molested for years and made to feel like utter shit and suffer depression / self-harm / cutting / [insert here] because of it, you may think you have a "case" for suicide, for "no one can know my pain."

    In declaring such, the sufferer is claiming to be unique in all the world, I guess. One of the worst things you can do is turn to a place populated by like-minded, wounded people who would validate killing your self.

    The facts are (to borrow from the Buddhists), to be human is to suffer; and that life in nature guards itself jealously.

    History is replete with people who have overcome or endured ALL KINDS of pestilence visited upon them.

    One hundred-thirty years ago, you had scalpings by native Americans and did you know you that people often survied that!? It's something I have just recently learned, its lesson is immensely powerful.

    It was a hellish thing yet individuals, rather than turning inward and turning off to hope and outside help, would go on to scar over, heal and survive, even thrive.

    ToHelp
     
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