I tore part of myself apart lastnight.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Em1, Oct 9, 2010.

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  1. Em1

    Em1 Member

    So i was feeling down.. wanting somone to show they loved me.. boyfriends been on Holiday abroad and i was alone for the first time in 8 months, truely alone.

    Drinking, i was planning on getting drunk.. i won't sprinkle lovlies on this what i did was wrong i wasn't drunk and i wasn't in anyway believeing i wasn't going to do anything. I met Bob we talked and talked untill near 3 am, then he took me home only we detured on the way, i cheated... in the worst way i cheated.
    It feel's like part of my has been tore out, and i'm now made up of complete evil. i don't want to be this person.. i don't want to be my sister in law even tho i have been saying that for nearly 5 years.. i done what i said i was never capable of. Turns out i'm half the angel people see me as.

    Is this all life has to offer? Fear? Pain? I know my relationship was going downhill anyway, but still never did i think i could
    cheat, i'm disgusted with myself i deserve to be punished. but... i want to do it again.. Who am i? i'm not who i was before.

    I can't live being who i am now.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    We all make terrible mistakes the thing is we try not to make them again. I think you know it iwill tear you up even more if you do. Call your boyfriend see where things stand okay between you two. Don't self sabotage okay and don't self destruct either tell this so call other person to get lost .
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Don't beat yourself up too much Em. Everyone cheats at some point. Temptation is always out there and if you let your guard down, then cheating may occur. Monogamy is really hard work.
  4. Noodle

    Noodle Active Member

    Make sure you tell him and just say you're sorry and it was a terrible mistake.
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Sorry, I'm going to cut through all the pretties and kindness. You cheated. Ok. Now it's what you do next that defines who you are.

    I've been on the other end of the story. The person that has been cheated on. And it hurts just as much as your hurting now. And because of my experiences, I say cheating is low and inexcuseable.

    But my advice if you want it is, that it's up to you to make things better or right now. You need to tell your boyfriend. And face the consequences of your actions. You say it happened. Ok. But then you say you want to do it again? Either you love your boyfriend or not. Tell him now. Before it happens again. Like you said "I know my relationship was going downhill anyway" I really think on some level you dont want the relationship with your boyfriend any longer. Unconsciously you may have done this as an out. I dont know you personally but that's what I get from your post.

    Whatever happens, you need to admit what you've done. It may break the relationship or it just may give it the strength it needs to move on to a new level. Good luck.
  6. Em1

    Em1 Member

    Thanks Itmahanh. and all of you.

    I guess i knew that this was very possible to happen. i should have just waited untill he got back from holiday then either told him what i felt. i never realised how easy it was to cheat. it really does hurt, and i know it will hurt him too and i hope i have the right words for him. thanks again.
  7. Screaminginsilence

    Screaminginsilence Well-Known Member

    Please be honest with your boyfriend, i did somthing similar about 18 months ago now - it took me a year to tell my boyfriend and tore at me every single day. It almost tore us apart but now we are stronger than ever

    People make mistakes, you were drunk (no excuse) and stupid, tell your boyfriend what you did, say sorry and wait for the fallout

    He make kick and scream, ignore you or split up with you but if you honestly believe you want to be with him - your going to have to take that risk and tell him. If you love him then honesty is the way to go - for both of you.

    But *hugs* you silly woman! We all f*ck up - its how we deal with it after that truely defines us x x
  8. Em1

    Em1 Member

    Thank you hun. this post means alot to me. i'm glad i'm not the only one. and i think i can do this now.. possibly
  9. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Please, tell him. It's better to be honest about it, than to feel guilty, or to have it come up later.
  10. Screaminginsilence

    Screaminginsilence Well-Known Member

    I'm sure you can do it, you wouldn't be tearing yourself up so badly if you didnt think he deserved the truth x
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