I have been going to alcoholics anonymous. I do not get much out of it. After I year and a half I do not have a god of my understanding, and those that do seem truly happy and at peace. So I stopped drinking for a year and a half and then, when I decided to kill myself started drinking again, because I remembered how very close to suicide I had been when I did drink. And then I started taking the OTC sleep aids, to help me sleep, as sleep is my only refuge. I needed to escape, and even though it only takes five minutes for me to doze off I wanted to fall asleep instantly. Only in the death that is sleep do I not feel the pain and dispair that envelopes my life all other times. I really need to take the next step. I will stop feeling the pain when the sleep of death comes over me, my wife can stop hating and start loving again. My kids will not have to see what a humiliating loser I have become. My mental rehearsals seem easier and easier. Fairly soon I will be able to do it. And it will work. And the poison that I have become will be out of everyone thoughts and life.