I can no longer do this. I act as if I am happy with friends at university. I thought I would genuinely be happy. But instead - I think it is all fake. I don't know if people have found me annoying or nice. But whatever the case, I can't go on being who I am not. I'm not happy.# I am really sad inside and I don't like to express this negativity to others. I feel like I've broken down, this would not be the first time. I thought I was happy for 3 weeks this year, but I can't do it anymore. It is too painful for me to live a lie like this. I am paranoid..... I'm always asking whether people actually like me or not, sometimes I get the feeling they don't. I've tried being "social", but not sure if it working since I haven't been "social" my whole life. I don't know. I wish I had someone I could really be friends with.... I thought life would be different living in another country. Just same shit different place. I just read what a nervous breakdown is and I think I'm having one at the moment. I've lived my whole godamn life sad and I can't just change... it took me a couple weeks to reach this conclusion. I just can't fucking be who I am not. I am angry and upset right now. I wish I had a friend to at least talk to this about, someone I could trust and someone that wouldn't just be freaked out about my life. My whole life I have tried to face my problems, but I can't take it anymore... I think I will just cry myself to sleep ... man you know what, I really believed I was happy. But really I was just acting, this is just not me. I thought it was, but being happy and laughing and trying to make jokes, is not me. If I had a choice on whether I was born or not, I would choose not to be. I feel selfish as people have had bigger problems than me and I know people suffer from disease etc who are in a much worser position, really I am a failure. I can't even learn things in class without everyone being better than me. I thought I was just nervous, but everyone is just better than me, I am nothing, stupid, a liar to myself, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, dumb, stupid, stupid stupid stupid stupid.... just stupid and dumb. if there is a god, fuck you, i didn't ask to be born into a shit life, i didn't want this, i did not want this... and i'm too scared to take my life away, i have been for years, i am stupid and i am just a scared idiot who can't take action even though i'm blind to the lies that people give me. i am a push over and can't bear to live anymore. life without me on this earth would just be 1 out of 6 billion, just a mere spec in the sand.