I tried god damnit........

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Jonathan, Jun 14, 2011.

  1. Jonathan

    Jonathan Well-Known Member

    I can no longer do this.

    I act as if I am happy with friends at university.

    I thought I would genuinely be happy.

    But instead - I think it is all fake. I don't know if people have found me annoying or nice.

    But whatever the case, I can't go on being who I am not. I'm not happy.#

    I am really sad inside and I don't like to express this negativity to others.

    I feel like I've broken down, this would not be the first time. I thought I was happy for 3 weeks this year, but I can't do it anymore.

    It is too painful for me to live a lie like this.

    I am paranoid..... I'm always asking whether people actually like me or not, sometimes I get the feeling they don't.

    I've tried being "social", but not sure if it working since I haven't been "social" my whole life.

    I don't know. I wish I had someone I could really be friends with....

    I thought life would be different living in another country. Just same shit different place.

    I just read what a nervous breakdown is and I think I'm having one at the moment.

    I've lived my whole godamn life sad and I can't just change... it took me a couple weeks to reach this conclusion. I just can't fucking be who I am not. I am angry and upset right now. I wish I had a friend to at least talk to this about, someone I could trust and someone that wouldn't just be freaked out about my life.

    My whole life I have tried to face my problems, but I can't take it anymore...

    I think I will just cry myself to sleep ... man you know what, I really believed I was happy. But really I was just acting, this is just not me. I thought it was, but being happy and laughing and trying to make jokes, is not me.

    If I had a choice on whether I was born or not, I would choose not to be. I feel selfish as people have had bigger problems than me and I know people suffer from disease etc who are in a much worser position, really I am a failure. I can't even learn things in class without everyone being better than me. I thought I was just nervous, but everyone is just better than me, I am nothing, stupid, a liar to myself, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, dumb, stupid, stupid stupid stupid stupid.... just stupid and dumb.

    if there is a god, fuck you, i didn't ask to be born into a shit life, i didn't want this, i did not want this... and i'm too scared to take my life away, i have been for years, i am stupid and i am just a scared idiot who can't take action even though i'm blind to the lies that people give me. i am a push over and can't bear to live anymore. life without me on this earth would just be 1 out of 6 billion, just a mere spec in the sand.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 14, 2011
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your right it doesn't matter w hat country you move too Until you get therapy to heal what is hurting y ou nothing will change. CBT DBT both work on changing how we feel hugs to you
  3. kreative1

    kreative1 Well-Known Member

    No1's problems are bigger or smaller, you are not selfish. Depression isn't only about issues and problems, with depression, you are in tune with negativity through out the world and everything in it, nothing makes sense. Step back, have a look whats around you and take it from there. Maybe book your self in for a session and talk about your options. Chin up and enjoy some me time.
  4. Jonathan

    Jonathan Well-Known Member

    I guess I came back yesterday feeling sad. After sleeping on it, I don't know why I posted what I did and yet at the same time I do.

    I think there is something wrong with me. Just wish I had a shoulder to rest my head on right now. :( I am so confused...
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you can rest here okay let out the sadness here we care and are listening okay You can pm me anytime you need too hugs
  6. cordial1

    cordial1 Well-Known Member

    I know exactly how you feel, I am in the same boat pretty much. We can get through this, I found SF the other night and joined because I was at my breaking point, and finding you [someone whose situation is similar to mine] makes me feel not alone. PM and maybe we can talk about things.
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    *shoulder* here anytime you need us..
  8. Jonathan

    Jonathan Well-Known Member

    I felt slightly better today. I've decided my future already.

    I will become a Taiwanese citizen. This will mean I will have to do a 12 month required military service. It might be fun and motivating and I am the type of person who would fit in with something like that. I'm still going to complete my university this year, but after that, I will become a citizen and have the rights of a citizen of this country. - Then I will legally be allowed to work.

    I have been so worried about my future personally. But I've never really had a great deal of thought about it. Maybe when I leave the 12 month military service, I will find something out there to do or I would have learned some sort of skill.

    Maybe I just feel good after my exercise, it seems to cheer me up, I get a little bit of freedom from my family. Which is what I need. I've decided that is why I am sad, because I have no freedom in the real sense when I go home. I just want to ability to invite friends over without them having to meet my family. I just want that freedom and feeling of being independent. It is as if they decide what I do and I'm growing up now. When they went away and when I was by myself in the UK, I felt that sense of freedom and control which I liked. I've noticed why I am unhappy now. Maybe it wasn't because of the past, but what is happening now. I'm hoping to change things. Luckily I have a rich friend from when I was 2. He is willing to pay for me to stay on campus and so I can get away from my problem for a while and make more friends and socialize a lot more.

    Maybe this is finally the turn around in my life that I have been waiting for.
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Glad you are feeling more positive today and that you feel you have some direction now hugs to you
  10. mchung

    mchung Well-Known Member

    It is weird that I never ran into any Taiwanese people in the past year I've been in sf, yet this summer I ran into 2.

    Anyways, I am a Taiwanese, and I feel the same way you do. There are rarely people who I can relate to, and most of them I found via sf. You can be real friends with me, maybe even meet up and go to places, as I guess we are about the same age. Friends in college are fake, most people party, others study. Virtually there is no social life in the uni I attended, and it is even harder to find someone to be a lifelong friend with. (which I desperately always wish I find one before I die.)

    Don't let it get to you, I've fought all my life to find the answer to my future to no avail, but lets quote cracked.com...

    really, things have a way to work it out. Success is defined by happiness in my opinion, as long as I'll be happy, I am not afraid of the future.
  11. Jonathan

    Jonathan Well-Known Member

    Where in Taiwan do you live? I live in Taichung