I feel dispare because I have feelings and thoughts of suicide daily... but everytime i try it it doesn't work.. a couple times i was scared after trying and got help so i wouldn't die.. I sometimes fear that if I kill myself I'll go to hell or a far worse place than here. I know that sounds silly but i do worry about that. Then i also fear that if i kill myself my mom wouldn't be able to cope.. I mostly think about how everyone else would feel ... i really don't care about myself.. I've been depressed and suicidal since i was 11 years old. I was sexually abused for most of my life, by my mothers boyfriends.. I was diagnosed with Bipolar, PTSD, Borderline Personality, ADHD.. Been on every medication there is and nothing really works.. I fantasize about suicide everyday.. I self-harm, drink on occastion...have no life no friends, i have been addicted to drugs in the past.. my life is never going to go anywhere. WHY AM I STILL HERE?