I tried to kill myself last night. I failed, and got arrested.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by E69, Apr 30, 2010.

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  1. E69

    E69 Member

    I am in a lot of physical pain. I have seen several doctors, but none of the prescribed treatments are working for me. The past three months especially have been unbearable. I can barely function, and I have thought about suicide often. But I have always had hope. But in the past few weeks, I have lost hope even.

    Last night I did not want to be in this world anymore. I wanted to end the pain. I made the decision to take my life.

    First, I threw out all my personal journals where I have contemplated suicide.

    <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>

    I then got into my car, and started driving away, and a cop pulled me over, and I got arrested for drunk driving, and spent the night in jail. The cop was asking me if I 'learned' anything from what I had done. And in my mind, I was like .. yeah I have learned that I need to plan things better so I don't end up unsuccessful and alive.

    I really wanted to die last night. I was so dissapointed when I woke up this morning. I want to die. I dont want to be in this world anymore.

    That is my story.

    I am considering trying again within a week or so. But waiting for a <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 1, 2010
  2. ASkylitDrive

    ASkylitDrive Well-Known Member

    You are not alone..Just remember that..NOT ALONE.
    Im terribly sorry that you got arrested, but to me that is SOOO much better than you dying..
    Let alone hurting another person.
    Whether its drunk driving or other attempts...It will hurt people physically and mentally
    I have seen my fair share of death from loved ones and I'm NEVER the same..
    I know you don't want to hurt people, and I also know you want to get rid of all the pain.
    But think about how your friends and family would feel once they find you.

    I'm here for you, I welcome you to the site and if you need ANYTHING at all...message me.
  3. E69

    E69 Member

    I don't want to hurt anyone. And it breaks my heart to think about how my family would feel if I had died last night.

    But there is only so much physical pain that a human being can take. I am on a treatment that I was optimistic about, but it has not helped at all. That was my last hope. After that, I lost hope. And that is why I tried to take my life last night.

    I have tried every type of treatment. What is the point of living if I cannot live fully? I put on a brave face in front of friends, but inside I am "done" and want to leave this world.

    Nothing excites me anymore. The stuff that I used to be excited about, my life that I had before, it is gone.

    My life has fallen apart in the past year, and I am out of options. I thank you for your kind words, but I dont think you can ease my pain.

    I wish I had succeeded last night. Instead I have the worst hangover of my life hundreds of dollars in fines and my car impounded and my lisence revoked. The funny part is, I honestly dont give a shit. All I can think about, is how to succeed the next time around.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 30, 2010
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for what you've been through....I hope you reconsider your options now...
    you say you're in physical pain..are you taking anything for your depression??
    seing a thereapist??..
  5. summerschild

    summerschild Well-Known Member

    I'm also glad you didn't succeed. I understand pain. I live with it every day both physical and mental and understand how it can wear you down so that death seems the only choice. But please seek help. Keep trying new treatments. One of them may work. It might be the next one you try. You are worth the effort. Please if you want to talk there are many of us here (including myself) who would love to talk to you and try and help you. You can PM or email me anytime (email info on my profile). But whatever you do please be gentle with yourself and remember you are needed and valued. :hug:
  6. E69

    E69 Member

    I am taking medication for my physical ailment. But I have not been responding very well to the treatments. The latest treatment was supposed to provide some relief, but I have felt nothing from it.

    I dont want to see a therapist.
  7. E69

    E69 Member

    I have tried almost every treatment available. Some of the treatments have had bad side effects. So on top of feeling bad, I had more side effects. I have kept "hope" for a long time. I have read positive books. I have tried natural remedies of every sort. I have started to lose (or have already lost) hope, when the latest treatment I am taking doesn't seem to be giving me any relief.

    I cannot continue to live feeling the way I have been feeling. Most people would have tried to take their life a long time ago. I have been strong for a long time. It gets to a point where its not about being strong, its about ending the pain.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 1, 2010
  8. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I have chronic, sometimes unrelenting pain, so I know what that is about...I have also tried many treatments with little success...but I know how much I am loved, and I could not think of one person I would want to put through the hell of me leaving...yes, there are nights when I want to do just about anything to releave the pain, crying until I cannot cry anymore...wanting my old life back, etc., but I stay and try the next thing that is suggested...here's to both of us walking the earth pain managable or painfree...like you, I would take either...big hugs, J
  9. E69

    E69 Member


    I cannot stop thinking of trying again. The only reason I have not tried again, is because I don't want to fail again. If I crash my car, and I don't die, I will break my bones and still be alive. If I walk out in front of car, and I don't die, I will break my bones and still be alive.

    I need to figure out a way to die, without hurting anyone, and without failing again.
  10. lonercarrot

    lonercarrot Well-Known Member

    I hate the damn editing so much...
  11. summerschild

    summerschild Well-Known Member

    I need to figure out a way to die, without hurting anyone, and without failing again.[/QUOTE]

    No such way exists because your death will hurt many people. Please keep talking to us.
  12. F_Immunized_7

    F_Immunized_7 Active Member

    If you wanna figure out a way to die, how about figuring out a way to live life.

    Be +ve not -ve. You can do it. We are all rooting for each other in this forum. !!
  13. EyesofRhye

    EyesofRhye Member

    This may be inappropriate.... but what is your fixation on involving cars?

    (I'm new, so a little unsure about how OK it is to analyze others.... guess I'll read the rules again)
  14. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    That doesn't make any sense.
  15. azombieee

    azombieee Member

    To be, I believe some things happen for a reason. You got pulled over, because you weren't suppose to go. No one here can fully understand what you're going through. But you are LUCKY to be alive. Sometimes you have to step out of the box and look at parents dying of cancer... leaving their little ones behind... dying in wars. You have to look outside of what you are feeling sometimes, rather than feeling sorry for yourself.

    I'm only 19, and I've been through more than most girls my have been through. I've been off married to a military man, ultimately got hurt pretty bad by that man. I've wanted to get up and get divorced but I realized I haven't been too much help either to our relationship. It's been so hard... I lived so far from family I was close to. I was so alone when this happened to me. So scared. But what did I have to go home to? A negative mom that would rather have me doing nothing with my life, like her. Much better.... -sarcasm-

    Now, I know that, my issue I've kind of explained isn't anything probably, compared to the problems you're having... but each and every problem in someones life hurts people differently.

    Sometimes life tells you, unexpectedly... that you need to hold onto what you have. Even if you don't feel like you should.

    To me, there is a reason you got pulled over. To me, you aren't suppose to die.

    I just beg you to give it some time. Don't act on this just yet. Please.
  16. callen202

    callen202 New Member

    Seems to me you were meant to live. There are many new treatments. Don't give up. You'll find a treatment. It took me two years to find one. Seek out help.
  17. Joey's sister

    Joey's sister Member

    Please reach out to family and let them know how bad this has gotten for you. You don't have hope now, but that does not mean that it isn't there to be had. I'm so sorry that you are living in constant pain and dealing with difficult medical issues. I'll be praying for you.
  18. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    I am probably going to do something that is not going to be seen as kosher.

    The post was edited, so I do not know exactly what you did. However, it sounds like you became intoxicated or incapacitated in some way, and then drove.

    I am going to implore you to NOT do this ever again. The pain that you are in, mental and physical, will increase a thousand fold if you hurt someone while driving impaired. I do not want you to end your life, but if you do it is your choice. You do not have that right to make that decision for *someone else*.
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