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I tried to kill myself the day before yesterday, still thinking about it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Talia862, Nov 21, 2014.

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  1. Talia862

    Talia862 Well-Known Member

    Hi, I posted her Two weeks ago. People were nice,but I stopped posting after one of my posts was deleted because I broke the rules. I wasn't mad or anything, I just felt bad. I had tried to start a suicide attempt and then stopped, I mentioned that in the the post. This time, I went through with it. . I went through all the steps right up until the very end, and gave it my best shot to die, but it didn't work. I could explain why and exactly what happened, but that would be methods talk, so you just have to take my word for it.

    What stood in the way with my physical handicap – my rheumatoid arthritis and the fact that my joints are very sore and stiff, and I have difficulty functioning with daily things. And I have difficulty and that physical inability to properly do things interfered with my attempt (sorry if that's too close to methods – I won't get into it anymore – I know it doesn't really make sense unless I explain, so just take my word for it)

    So now I feel disgusted that I can't even kill myself.

    I told one or two of my friends about it and they were very concerned – now they're calling me regularly and trying to keep me alive. My one friend calls every morning, and gets upset if I don't call back right away. She said she wants to make sure that I'm still alive. My other friend talked to me all day after my suicide attempt to keep me on the phone so I didn't try again. She told me I need to start taking my psychiatric medications as prescribed, and I agreed. I've been up back on the medicine today and yesterday (the suicide attempt was the day before yesterday) and I'm meeting with my counselor on Wednesday. I have a team that visits me, they hold my medication for me so I can't overdose – and they come over three times a week to give it to me. I met with one of them today, but I didn't want to tell him what'd happened. I wanted to wait until my actual counselor. And the sad thing is, she's not going to be my counselor for much longer – she's going to leave, and then I'm going to be without a counselor - my insurance won't cover it anymore– I will still get the visits three times a week (dropping to twice a week in about a month or so), but that's not counseling. You know what I mean? We used to get into deep issues and serious things when I was with my counselor – I've got real horrible things in my past, rape, multiple suicide attempts, horrible bullying in school before I graduated, physical trauma, horrible betrayals from friends and family, emotional abuse growing up, etc.

    not to mention dealing with the fact that in four years of having RA I have become completely disabled to the point where I can't walk without a cane and sometimes need a wheelchair. I'm 37. I may have 40 years ahead of me – if I deteriorated physically so much in four years, what on earth is going to happen to me 20 30, 40 years from now? Will I be paralyzed? Will I be in a wheelchair all the time? I just can't even imagine it. The doctor says my medication isn't working, he wants to put me on something else – I've gone through 4-5 medications already and nothing works.

    When Dr. Kevorkian was doing his thing, one of the people he helped die was somewhat with rheumatoid arthritis. I know why she wanted to commit suicide – the pain is really bad, the physical pain, I am on all kinds of painkillers, and it's hard to deal with. Being in pain all the time is really hard. And not being able to do things I used to be able to do is hard to. And fear of the future – that's probably the hardest thing of all, even worse than the physical pain. I don't how to explain it – I just can't deal with it, I can't bear it. It's too much. I can't handle it. I just want to die. I'm not sure how I feel about the suicide attempt – I'm glad it didn't work because it would've hurt my friends, but I wish it had worked because then I would be at peace (I think – I guess no one really knows what happens after you die, my friend kept telling me that there might be an afterlife that I might be miserable in the afterlife also, she said that there is evidence that people are conscious after death, You know, near-death experiences, and she thinks I would feel immense regret if I was floating there looking down on myself and realizing that I threw away my whole life) she may be right, and you know, even if there's a heaven, and even if God let me in, (I'm not really a believer in God but who knows?) that I would still spend eternity with the knowledge that I gave up on life and hurt my loved ones. What if death really is not the end, the peace that I think it will be? If I am floating around like a ghost or something – what If I I still have regrets? I would be cut off from my loved ones and I would've done it to myself. But I still want to die so badly, I'm willing to take the risk of what might happen. I also don't want to end a brain-damaged or otherwise worsen capacity to them I already am. Sometime suicide attempts fail, and sometimes people are badly injured – but I just want to die so much that just overrides everything else.

    I feel like I can't live this way – with the pain, the depression, and the fear of the future. I don't know what to do. I could use any kind of help and support
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello Talia, I am sorry that I had to delete your last post, everyone is treated equally here and things that appear too triggering graphic or methods will be removed. I am glad though that you have took some time and have now posted again. Please do read the FAQ again hun just in case you forget anything as timelines are not allowed either. If you'd like to discuss this further you can private message me.

    But as for now sweetheart I really am sorry you're feeling so down. I am glad you survived your attempt and I must say that you have really fantastic friends, how supportive of them to keep you on the phone all day in case you did something silly. They obviously love and care for you very much.

    It's great that you are now taking your medications as prescribed, hopefully soon you will see the difference between taking them wrongly and rightly plus benefit more from them.

    You have just so much to deal with in your mind. You're traumatized. I was bullied too, it is horrible and raped so I can relate and amazingly we have a lot in common as I suffer near constant physical pain too, pain makes me angry, affects everyone differently but I think you NEED to see a therapist and talk about all these different issues, to try and come to terms with them and leave them where they belong,in the past.

    Best of luck to you :hug:
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Talia862, I am sorry to hear that you suffering physically and mentally. You are important and remember. Ok, one post got deleted but we must abide by the rules here. However, YOU ARE IMPORTANT and think about the future like Petal says. Your friends support you on a daily basis and that's brilliant. Please keep posting in order to get support and care you deserve.
  4. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you are suffering. I suffer too, but mine is mental. I too feel like I just can't take it anymore.
  5. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I'm sorry to hear that your are suffering AAA3330 but you are important to us. It's not nice to see you suffering. Please keep posting. Mental anguish is not nice.
  6. Talia862

    Talia862 Well-Known Member

    I did read the rules. I don't understand. What is a "timeline?" It didnt' use that term and I don't know what it means.

    And I understand the being deleted, I am not holding any grudges. I was more angry with myself for that one.

    I'm sorry.

    Having a really rough day today.

    Yes, I have friends that care about me. I dont' know what they see in me. But they do care. I dont' want to hurt them
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