I tried to write the whole thing but now I'm just gonna post a list of my problems

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by b3nz3n3, Mar 23, 2015.

  1. b3nz3n3

    b3nz3n3 Member

    I'm a 16 year old male with a girlfriend. Here goes:

    -Self hate(obviously) and cuts. Last time,a week ago I made 50 cuts(and proud of it!) (Please ignore my stupid jokes). Total, I have cut like 10 times each time making 15-20 cuts average. Last time was special because of my brother(Another long story).

    -No friends. I had two but I ended things with them because they sometimes made me happy and I don't want to be happy.

    -Suicidal thoughts since I was a kid. Three suicide attempts. Almost jumping in river(Keyword:almost. So does it count?). Two times OD'ing on pills. First time 38 pills then 53 but sadly still living.

    -Father is dead. I have a step father(I like the step father though)

    -Afraid that all my problems are fake. For example,if even one of you will just slightly nudge me and say,"Hey mate that's normal. You are not depressed,just sad" then I would take it to heart and may cut.

    -Studies.Career. I first wanted to become a doctor but now I'm not sure since I might not be able to handle the stress. So,the count of insecurities is two now. I have a big exam coming but I can't seem to remember anything and I am intelligent but I don't think I can make it.

    -Uncertain of commitment with my girlfriend.

    -Family. I thoroughly hate my brother. He judges me and is the biggest reason for my insecurities. And I have many fights with my mother too.

    -Extra sensitivity. Even the slightest words hurt me.

    -Sexual problems. Ah...the wonderful sexual problems. Lets start. I like BDSM and like being both submissive and dominative. I am afraid one day I might rape a girl(yes you read it correctly...now do you understand why I hate myself?). I am afraid that I might hit my girlfriend(I have hit her in the past too...MAN,KIDS THESE DAYS!!!). I like doing "stuff" while I'm submissive(lets leave it at that word "stuff". It's disturbing.) I think I might be bisexual or worse,gay. I have nothing against being gay but I can't part from my gf. She is like a pair of crutches to me now after my depression.

    -Health. I eat nothing healthy. Sure that doesn't seem so bad but a couple of months back I had severe vitamin B12 and D deficiency. I had to take injections. Maybe that makes you realize how serious it is.

    -Girlfriend. You know,normal relationship stuff except when she says something wrong I cut. And when I say something wrong,she cries till she gets sick. And I hurt her a lot. I try to break up with her in these mad impulsive moments that I get but she always ride my anger wave till i become sane.

    -Afraid that all my life I've been looking for attention and I was never depressed. [That's why I'm writing this too...for attention...not for anything else].

    -Evil Twin. I do not have a voice in my head and I'm not crazy but I have this other part of me named "Evil Twin". Evil twin,say hello. *Hello and fuck you all. Don't help him. He deserves to die.*

    That's all I can remember folks. I have a vacation coming up after my exams. In it everything will seem to get better but when I step into a college(a medical college or something other...I don't know) It'll all come back and no one will be able to stop me from dying.

    A round of applause for my girlfriend who has kept me alive and as happy as she could since the month of August,2014. She's truly awesome.

    Hope you read it. Cheers.
     
  2. Jinx_

    Jinx_ Member

    Re: I tried to write the whole thing but now I'm just gonna post a list of my problem

    It's rough to be 16, I know. I was a drug abuser when I was your age and like you, I felt lost and harmed myself in every possible way. I'll never accuse someone of overreacting - neglecting people's problems and saying that they are not as bad as they think they are is an awful thing to do. If it bothers you, then the problem is serious. All I can assure you of is that this will pass, keep telling yourself that someday this will be only a part of your past. As to your mother and brother - when I was a teenager, I also had fights with my mother, because she couldn't understand me (but I can't give you an adequate advice, since we continue fighting over my choices). Take care of your health, change your eating habits. You know what they say - "You are what you eat". Believe me or not, food takes a major role of the way you feel, when I ate nothing but junk food, I felt bad, physically and mentally. I've always had this "evil twin", but you must tell him to shut up whenever he wants to make you do bad things, don't let him take over your consciousness. It seems your girlfriend is you anchor - hold on to her. Things will get better, I promise.
     
  3. Jericho

    Jericho Well-Known Member

    Re: I tried to write the whole thing but now I'm just gonna post a list of my problem

    I agree with Jinx. Life sucks man, it really does. It has a tendency to mess with you in sometimes the worst ways for no apparent reason. I am not going to attempt to tell you what to do with your life, or tell you that I know how you can fix all your problems. But what I can do is tell you I understand. I know that you are going through hard times and that you feel like there may be no coming back. However, we are here for you through it all. I know that sounds cliche, but it's true.
     
  4. b3nz3n3

    b3nz3n3 Member

    Re: I tried to write the whole thing but now I'm just gonna post a list of my problem

    I don't deny it. I'm better than when I was a couple of months back. But I can feel that it'll get worse soon. Thanks for reading...at least two people read it. Yay.

    You know what hurts me the most? The fact that one day I'll look back on this and think that all my problems were just small. And I know I will think that one day. I don't want that day to come. I don't want this to "just pass".

    My gf doesn't have that much strength to handle me anymore. My next suicide attempt is coming...probably in this week. I hope this time I'm successful.

    I don't want it to pass...I just don't. This is really fucked up what I'm going through....it shouldn't just be " wait and it'll get better".

    Sorry for the stupid teenage attitude.
     
  5. Vaughan

    Vaughan Well-Known Member

    Re: I tried to write the whole thing but now I'm just gonna post a list of my problem

    There's no easy way to say this - but I'm gonna because I'm that kind of guy.

    At 16 you're still growing, and going through all kinds of hormonal changes. For instance, did you know that your brain doesn't stop growing until your mid 20's, and even later?

    Also, given you're young, life experiences aren't as broad as old fools like me. Which doesn't mean to say I know any more than you, just an observation. At 16, girlfriends maybe aren't so important. You have lots of time to work on you. God, I wish I knew what I know now when I was 16!!!

    Stay in the race. ;)