I tried

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by eyae, Jul 25, 2011.

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  1. eyae

    eyae Member

    This is the first time I've written about my suicidal feelings. At this point I just want to feel relieved. I was 11 years old the first time the idea of suicide arose in my head. I felt like I didn't fit in; That I was a spectator in this life and that my active presence or actions weren't required. Fast forward nearly 17 years later and those feelings really overwhelm me now. Life is like a theatre for me. Once I leave my bedroom I'm this other person who has to face he world and blend in, who most conform up to a minimum. The only times when I feel really relieved is when I'm alone in a room. It's the only time when there's no pressure. I can be myself, I don't have other people's eyes, judgement and crap interfering. I kind of resent being on earth. I don't feel that I belong here.

    I've fought the suicidal thoughts for years. I've send the psychologists and counsellors. And no, talking doesn't make me feel better. It actually makes me feel worse. Talking feels like having a magnifying glass in front of you - there's no relief there. Just the realisation that things are so bad. Sometimes I think if I wasn't so lucid or aware, I could go on.

    Instead I wake up every day and I'm this other person who strives to maintain appearances. Nobody knows the pain and anger I feel inside. Nobody understands how having PCOS, being molested as a child, being raped does. One could say it's my fault: I don't talk. I've tried, but people don't understand. They hear what you say but they don't understand. I found that I could talk endlessly but at the end of the day you really are alone. And talking does not help me. I need relief.

    I know it's strange but sometimes I wish I were a bit more irrational. I can't bring myself to do drugs or drink to ease the pain. I'm just stuck there trying to find a way to ease the pain. A way to deal with the anger. I'm angry that most of the time I have to be out there pretending to be this person who's got her stuff together. Everyone seems to be some kind of overachiever in my family - I know I could have been one but I wish I didn't have so much pressure. I wish I didn't have to lie so much to keep up appearances. I wish the lies didn't take me this far. I justify them in my head, but they wouldn't understand.

    So I'm stuck.

    It's funny how since our childhood, we're taught all these strategies to stay safe and alive. We're constantly reminded that our lives are fragile. But figuring out how to commit suicide is turning out to be such a difficult mission! Where's the fragility of life when it matters? or maybe, once again, it's my fault. It seems that what other people managed to do seamlessly turns into this huge super task for me.

    I'm nowhere near the status people my age are supposed to be. I am so messed up. So I want to die, because I'm not a hero. I tried but I don't have the will or the energy to persevere. I'm a coward. I'm a failure. Really I'm good for nothing. I feel that I don't deserve to have this family and these friends. I wasn't made for this.

    I've got 5 days left. I could have given up the idea of death entirely. I think I subconsciously hope to be rescued from myself (being in this forums helps in that respect). But if I stay, what would I do? Stay alive for what and to do what? Nobody needs me.

    There are 5 days left and I'm terrified of making a mistake. At the same time, I know that I just want to be relieved of the pain. I just want to be relieved. Is there another solution? I really feel that I shouldn't have been born.
  2. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Dear eyae,

    Sorry you are hurting…

    Maybe another solution is to free yourself from all those thoughts/judgements?

    It sounds like that you have a good family and some nice friends. Of course you deserve to have them as you do have them. When the thoughts are against you, the mind is distorted. You know you have the power to dismiss such thoughts…

    Whatever happened in the past is the past, which cannot define who you are. You know that you are innocent no matter what. You can let go of the past. Forgive others and yourself and move on with life. It`s not easy, but you can do it. Here are two video clip that may be helpful:

    Forgiveness and the Freedom of Letting go

    Escape the Prison of Your Own Mind - Eckhart Tolle

    Other people may not understand you, but you do not have to take other people’s thoughts/judgements seriously. You can be a good friend to yourself - accept and love yourself unconditionally because you do deserve it…

    Do not compare with others, hon. If others experienced what you have been through, they would probably end up not doing as well as you have done. You have overcome a lot. You have been strong. There is no need to pretend to be different from who you really are. Allow yourself to be yourself in front of others. You are beautiful just the way you naturally are.

    What’s real is your heart and what’s really happening NOW. We can go beyond thoughts or judgements as we know that thoughts are NOT ultimately/absolutely real. You know it’s not true when you say “nobody needs me”…

    You have what it takes to free yourself…alive…

    With loving wishes and hugs :hug:
  3. eyae

    eyae Member

    I almost committed suicide 6 years ago. I was miserable, I felt guilty because I didn't fit and I was failing at school, I isolated myself a lot. Then I decided to try life again, I decided that I couldn't give up unless I tried really hard to turn things around and go back on track again.

    I had big plans. I wanted to go back to school and become an architect. for the first time in my life I actually made sure other people's perceptions didn't stop me from doing what I wanted. For the first time I was learning to make decisions for myself, not doing things I thought would please family and friends. Some of my plans were laughed at, I had to justify myself for almost everything. In the midst of all that, my parents chose to let me do what I wanted and see where it led me. I wouldn't say that they wholeheartedly supported me, but they made it clear that I could count on them. Still the pressure was on, because everyone around me is an over achiever.

    I don't know how to free myself from others. I tried so hard to disregard the other stuff that got in my way but it just doesn't work. I cave by lying and telling everyone that things are going well. The latest lie being that I am going back to school this fall. I am not. Because like everything else I try, something bad always happens. Paperwork is lost, when I make efforts to retrieve official documents somehow they don't arrive,etc. Stuff that is supposed to take days take months. I can't share all that, because as far as everyone knows I'm on track.

    I wish I had found this forum earlier, I would have had people to share this burden with and it's too late. in 5 days I can't lie anymore. If I tell the truth I go back to 6 years ago and I'm this loser again. In the best case scenario, all is forgiven but I'll still be here, not knowing what to do with myself. After 6 years of abject failure at everything, nothing makes me see a positive outlook.

    I don't know, maybe God/the universe is angry at me? I want to let go of the past, but how I can I ignore the pattern of failure? It seems that everything I try just fails.

    And I feel like I've already made so many concessions to life. I gave up the idea of being in a couple or married. I gave up the idea of having children (I have pcos, it won't happen easily anyway), I know that I will always be overweight and hairy, I know that I can't turn back the clock on everything that has happened to me - I will live with the trauma. I've become this insulated person, I know I will not have many friends the way I did before. there are so many things I will never be able to do because of my disposition. I gave up so many things, and all I asked from life is to do something I enjoy. And that doesn't happen. I'm close to not believing in God anymore.

    All these words to say that beyond other people's perceptions, the rest of life just won't give me a chance. Life is kind of forcing this choice on me. My second chance failed. There is no plan B.

  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forums eyae!! What happens in five days?? You have to let go of the past.. I was molested when I was twelve, and tried to kill myself when I was thirteen..I put all of that behind me for years.. Then one day in therapy I started talking about it.. I couldn't beleive how dirty I felt..But my therapist helped me to work thru it..Now I am not ashamed..It wasn't my fault..Are you seeing a therapist?? Maybe you should.. They will bring up all that old pain but will help you work thru it..I hope you don't leave us in five days.. Stay here on the forum and find out how much support you will get from others..Take care!!
  5. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hope you stay safe xx. I too wish I had this site before I joined, and I can relate to some of what you said. Feel free to PM me and talk or add me on Skype, and I can listen and be a friend.

    Best regards,

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