Struggling today. I've broken this down every possible way and I really have no choice but to end it, and I have no one to blame but myself. I don't have the energy to re-hash it all, so here's a link to an earlier thread that pretty much covers the gist of my dilemma: http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=108648 I know, I'm a hypocrite. Add it to the list. But Friends, please know that all the advice that I've offered is from the heart. I see hope for all of you, but not even remotely for myself. I'm taking it day by day now. All I can do is hope that some miraculous solution drops in my lap, and be ready when it doesn't. I think I have always been doomed. I was raised in an environment where the only way I survived was to become invisible and hide anything that might create conflict. Now, as an adult, my survival mechanism has led me to create an utterly and completely un-survivable situation. And really, at age 40, after years and years of therapy; I have no one to blame but my own stupid, weak self. And it KILLS me to know that no matter what I do, I'll be destroying the only person who ever really gave a f**k about me. I can't and won't live with that. Sorry for the pity party, Kids. I tried, but I just can't put on a happy face today.