I truly have no choice...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ZasuArt, Nov 29, 2011.

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  1. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    Struggling today. I've broken this down every possible way and I really have no choice but to end it, and I have no one to blame but myself. I don't have the energy to re-hash it all, so here's a link to an earlier thread that pretty much covers the gist of my dilemma:

    http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=108648

    I know, I'm a hypocrite. Add it to the list. But Friends, please know that all the advice that I've offered is from the heart. I see hope for all of you, but not even remotely for myself. I'm taking it day by day now. All I can do is hope that some miraculous solution drops in my lap, and be ready when it doesn't.

    I think I have always been doomed. I was raised in an environment where the only way I survived was to become invisible and hide anything that might create conflict. Now, as an adult, my survival mechanism has led me to create an utterly and completely un-survivable situation. And really, at age 40, after years and years of therapy; I have no one to blame but my own stupid, weak self. And it KILLS me to know that no matter what I do, I'll be destroying the only person who ever really gave a f**k about me. I can't and won't live with that.

    Sorry for the pity party, Kids. I tried, but I just can't put on a happy face today.
     
  2. xambiiex3

    xambiiex3 Member

    Dont do it. yea it seems very hard at the moment but it will get better. why dont you try facing one demon at a time at your on pace. once you faced one you will feel a great load off and then you can go ahead and face another one. there some that you probally cant face but just know you did your best. and that all anyone can do is your best
     
  3. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your reply, Xam... Wish I had the time, courage and energy to tackle those demons one by one, but they are all knocking down my door. Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and find that it was all one terrible nightmare. Or maybe the universe will take pity on me and I won't wake up at all. Thanks again, Sweetie.
     
  4. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    I try not to take it personally when my most serious posts don't inspire more than one response, but it's a really, really bad day, and I just can't help it. Is it wrong of me to admit this? I know... many of us are trying to reach out to as many as we can, and we can't all respond to everyone. But some days the silence just feels like a message in and of itself, and it's coming from all aspects of my life lately.

    Please forgive my moment of self-indulgent whininess. SF helps me so much, and I try to pay it forward as much as I can. Just feeling a little bit sorry for myself today.
     
  5. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    I care.

    I'm sorry for your pain. I know finances can cause stress, I've been there. I'm not the best to give financial advice, so I won't try. Trying not to disappoint someone we care about is stressful too. Sometimes the anticipation of events (letting your wife know the state of your finances,etc) is worse than the reality.

    Re: your lack of responses, I think the forum's just slow today, look at how many categories just have 1 or 2 viewing.
     
  6. bonbon718

    bonbon718 Well-Known Member

    Hey there,
    You always have a choice. And when you don't feel like you can choose to live, come here and talk to us.
    Your words have gotten me through some crappy times lately.. and I want to do the same for you if I can.
    Thinking of you, friend.
     
  7. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much Lefty and Bonnie! Still feel like shit, but feeling less alone in my desperation. ((hugs))
     
  8. BK_Jetsfan

    BK_Jetsfan Well-Known Member

    I understand how you feel in its entirety. Sometimes the forums go unread or messages go unnoticed. But you shouldn't take that as a sign of you (I'm just seeing this and responding).

    I get your pain because I'm in the same place. Planning on taking my life, but now I think I want to stop planning and start doing. It just feels like no matter what you try to do, you just can't get it right. You look around and it feels like everyone has this life thing figured out except for you. Problems mount up to the point that the feel insurmountable, whether they truly are or aren't. And no matter how desperately you reach out and seek help and support, you can just never find it.

    It's an empty, hollow, lonely feeling and it's miserable. And it sucks that people feel compelled to tell us we need to keep living in this perpetual state of misery.

    So yeah, I get you. You have a friend and supporter in me!

    All of that being said, I truly hope you don't take your life anytime soon. I think there are things you need to t least try before you give up, and one thing in particular which we've spoken about before.

    Feel better. Always here to chat if you want.
     
  9. Lost_Daughter

    Lost_Daughter Well-Known Member

    You have always been someone to offer a kind word and support. No you are not a hypocrite for having a bad day and needed the same for yourself. I am sorry that you are having a particularly hard time right now, I think this time of year always makes depepression worse.
    I am also sorry that you did not get the response or support you had hoped for on your post. I know I personally sometimes find it hard to think of something positive or comforting to say to someone who is hurting so badly, especially when I am feeling down myself. I sincerely hope you begin to feel better, and please, don't give up:hug:
     
  10. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    I really wish I could offer you advice about your finances, but I'm 20 and have never even lived away from family.

    I can relate to your abusive upbringing, I'm just now finally forcing myself to get away from it by moving out. I overdosed this past Sunday, thinking I had no future - my upbringing and the way I handled it caused me to drop out of college, and I've never had a job - so that looks pretty great for a 20 year old! Everything got on top of me and I just grabbed the pills. But evidently that didn't work. But it did knock sense into me. I looked for solutions to my problems, but it seemed as though there wasn't one, so I tried taking the 'easy' way out. But now I've discovered there are ways to work around my situation, and I'm more hopeful and happier now.

    I hope you can try to sort your stuff out. If it doesn't work, you've still got your 'escape hatch' (it used to be a similar deal for me - I'd keep living, thinking if things got bad I could just kill myself to get away from it.) But you should do everything you can to resolve it first. Can you speak to someone about your situation, as in a professional? I understand where you're coming from, things must seem really hopeless and awful for you right now. But I suggest you talk to "Honey" about it and you both work out where to take it from there. If my attempt had succeeded, I wouldn't be around to know that there WAS hope for me. I'm glad it failed, despite how sure I was that it was the only option.

    I really am awful at giving advice, and I wish I could give you some that relates specifically to your financial issues, but I've never even had a credit card! Or a job!

    But I do hope you talk to Honey. You've been together longer than 99% of people, and as you said you've got a good relationship. I'm sure she'd rather you be honest with her and try to resolve it than taking the 'easy' way out. I have a sister who's gone through a lot of the same things as me and I actually planned on killing myself, not thinking that I was leaving her in the situation with even more grief. Personally, I have no intention of even considering it again, knowing how it'll effect my loved ones who are left behind.

    I hope you don't give up.
     
  11. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    Crying... Thanks so much BK, Nicole, Pogo. Just knowing that my SF friends are behind me makes it all so much bearable, and keeps that little pinprick of hope from dying forever. I know that the only alternative to jumping off is to talk to her about it. I just can't. I don't have the strength and courage to do it. I honestly would rather burn alive than see that pain in her eyes and know that I caused it. I've hidden this sort of thing from her in the past, on a much smaller scale, and have promised her that I wouldn't do it again. I'm so overwhelmingly ashamed to have broken that promise again, and this time, I've ruined everything. But I truly do want to find the strength to tell her, and there's no way I could even entertain the thought without my friends in SF. Thanks for knowing my dirty little secret and not hating me for it.
    :grouphug:​
     
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