I truly just want to die...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Blades, Aug 13, 2010.

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  1. Blades

    Blades Member

    Well... Let's see...

    I'm 15. My name is Mike.

    My mother is unpredictable... She's tried to put me in jail... She's beaten me... She always tells me that I'm selfish if I am crying...

    My father, I met him this christmas, and the first words that came out of his mouth we're lies. Just pure bullshit.

    My friend killed himself in school last year... Knew him since I was 6...

    All of my 'friends' aren't really my friends... You know, I've actually never had a true friend... They act as if I'm invisible. When anyone else walks into the picture, I'm just POOF, gone... Like I was just a temporary filling to a slot.

    People have never really bullied me, but never really talked to me either... I'm just an invisible filling to a slot...

    I could tell you my entire life story, but I just feel empty. I feel incomplete. And I've tried seeking out god, and that just faded away no matter how hard I tried to keep him filling the void, it just faded... I've tried smoking weed, and I love it but I don't want to smoke it right now, I just don't have interest in it right now... Like a jar that fills up with depression and than pours out when I'm not high.

    I don't know if I should call the suicide hotline, I don't want them to track me or anything. I just don't know...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    no the won't track you call them okay they are kind their words will help you heal some maybe tell you how to get real help. use a pay phone cell phone but call okay let someone hear your pain let someone help heal that pain It will help you as you will then know you are important you are not alone okay please call and just talk to them reach out and talk to them god you will feel so much better okay just do it now call crisis go to emerg and get help start healing now.
  3. koolasakitkat

    koolasakitkat Member

    I am in a similar.... if slightly less serious situation.... MY mum never sees me... and knows nothing.. My dad continusly hits me.... and does not care. My best friend died a while ago. and i am known as a bit of a slag.
    The pain isn't easy to stop. And suicide hotline wont necessarily help.
    Tell me about your life, what you enjoy doing. what you dreamed of being.... then we can work this out. I wil be here to talk to
  4. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    15 is a really rough age, I will give you that one easy.
    On my 15th birthday; I had no one. Not a single friend or even fake friend, no boyfriend, lived by myself because my mom couldn't afford to take care of me.
    I lived through it. As much as I HATED everything and it was painful every day; but by my 16th birthday-- suddenly things were alot better.

    And looking back on my teen years now; they didn't look so bad.
    They weren't 'golden years'- I wouldn't want to re-live them by any stretch of the imagination... they were hard but because everything around me had turned to shit, I learned alot.

    Your life is different from mine. You're a different person, so I can't say 'you'll be just like me, you'll see!' or any bullshit like that.
    I can tell you that things can get better. I'm sure they will get better, but you're going to have to try hard to get them to change.
    First thing it sounds like you need to do is make an appointment with the school therapist/counselor/'shrink'.
    You may find him/her to be condescending at times BUT they can help you. Adults have more pull than teenagers; so if you told her/him that your mother is abusive and you really don't have a father-- I'm sure she/he can help you.

    Friends and 'friends' come and go. It's really really hard to find a single friend who will be there with you for your whole life. It's not a sad thing... keep your good memories with you. You can always connect with other people and meet new people. People die. People change. That is just a part of life. It is sad and hard to deal with, if you're feeling grief-ridden from the loss of your friend, please talk with someone about it. Grief is harder to deal with the longer you wait to do anything about it.
    I'm sure you can get through this, you just need a kickstart.

    I didn't mean this as a lecture, I'm sorry if it sounds like one... I'm not old; I'm only 22, and I remember my teens so clearly. I wouldn't want any person so young to die because they are having a hard time. Highschool is really hard, but that's why it's okay to reach out to anyone who will take you and try to help.
  5. Louis03

    Louis03 Well-Known Member

    You're young Mike. I can't claim to know what you go through but I can promise you that if you can channel whatever your feeling into something constructive it can be a powerful motivation that gets you places. You'd be surprised how quickly people will "get interested" if you start achieving in some field like school or sports. Just try and hang in there, try and not let things really get to you.
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