I try, and Try and just break.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Smashed__, Nov 16, 2007.

  1. Smashed__

    Smashed__ Well-Known Member

    I have been trying to be the bigger person, in every situation.
    I'm the older sister, right?
    I am the younger [middle] sister, right?
    I am HER daughter, right?

    I have been trying my famndest to hold it all in. " you had an attitude when you said that!" ...um "i'm sorry! didn't mean it!! forgive me?" when I felt no attitude. "you had a rude look","what was that look for?".."well, i'm sorry. It wasn't on purpose, I never meant to offend" when there wasn't a look. I didn't make a face. "I didn't forget, you must have stopped the timer"..um "but I didn't touch it.. maybe it slipped your mind? you were busy?" "why should I believe you when you don't believe me?"

    I sucked it up and held my protest in. why?
    so it wouldn't start an argument.
    I don't want anyone to be angry with me.
    I don't want my mom to cry, again, because of me.
    I don't want my sister to start cutting again, because of me.
    I don't want to feel more guilt.
    I don't want to see my body suspended from the branch when I dream.
    I don't want to cry again, ever.
    I don't want to be the CAUSE of pain, for me and them.

    Today I broke again, and became really immature in a shouting match- I went down to her level again. After all I worked to prove.
    I wanted to show, for once,
    more mature,
    I can THINK before I speak,
    My fuse isn't as short as it used to be..

    I hate myself for breaking. I hate myself for giving in.
    Ontop of it all I was caught getting a rush from strangulation. some big sister.:sad:
  2. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    hun, you shouldn´t hate yourself for this. if you are trying that´s what worth, but it musn´t worth for anyone but you. if you are trying to have a "better actitud" you´ll but it´ll take some time. you can´t be a medic without studing medicine,you can´t be a football player if you don´t practice enough.

    take care. besafe and pm me if you need or want to talk
  3. savetoniqht

    savetoniqht Well-Known Member

    :sad: You shouldn't blame yourself. Everyone gets in fights with their family, it's seriously just like... part of how things on. I'm sure your family understands; I mean to an extent, people take things out on the people closest to them. Honestly my sister bitched me out aaaalllllllllll the time when I hadn't even done anything because she was in a bad mood and- well who knows, I was born after her so therefore I was less significant than her- but point being, I still love her even though she was like that to me. They're your family. You have no reason to feel guilt. :no: :hug: