I try to think that my children would manage without me....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ingrid, Oct 2, 2015.

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  1. Ingrid

    Ingrid Member

    I hope that they could let me go without it totally destroying them, I don't want them to feel that I didn't love them enough, but my husband is teaching my youngest to regard me with scorn. They have called me lazy, that I look like a boy, that I dress like a grandma and that I am a joke.
    My son moved out 4 years ago as he couldn't bear to live with us any longer, my mother is too busy with her Saturday job and my sister and other grand daughter, I called her today to see if it was still ok if my daughter could come over to stay and she said she would have to take the day off work and my sister wouldn't be around to help or see her. They haven't seen me or her in 6 months. my sister is always doing things with her daughter and can't see or return my calls, my father died this year and when I spoke to my step mother today she had visitors so couldn't speak again. My husband has taken a day off work to play golf, he got a tax rebate recently and has spent all £900 on himself going to the World Cup rugby, music gigs etc. He complains if I don't stay in the house or if I drink fizzy drinks or eat snacks as they are for him or our daughter.
    I work and have recently been told that I cost too much and my job is being given to someone else, I teach autistic/ Asperger teens and look after a group of children who are in care.
    Sorry about all this tumbling out of me, but I just cannot do any of this as I am now so worth nothing i am nothing.
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    You are not nothing and you are not worth nothing. I understand why you feel that way, but it is not true and you deserve more. You deserve better. Your home environment sounds toxic and I would consider leaving. I know that it is hard and feels terrifying to think about walking away from the life you know - but it is better than staying miserable and it is better than ending up dead.

    I am sorry but your children would not be okay and would not let you go without it destroying them. I know you know that, so I am not going to labour the point. You deserve to be respected, and that starts with respecting and being kind to yourself - proving to yourself that you deserve it.

    What I am 'hearing' from your post is that you feel very alone - SF is great for that. We are here and we will listen and support you. Please believe that you deserve more than this - you can have more than this. It is hard, but it is possible.
  3. Ingrid

    Ingrid Member

    Thank you Freya, it is kind for you to take the time, but I have spent years looking for that world, desperate for that world, so much so that I am exhausted by the world I am in. I keep opening my eyes, but am asked what am I going to do today and then told that it's rubbish. I am rubbished, I am just not enough for anyone to make effort for. My husband cooks, cleans, does washing, he does it because he says I don't do it right. I am then told I am rubbish. When I do do all of these things I am told why don't I do them more, but that I am not as good, I do them wrong, that I am a joke. My food is not cooked as well I serve dinner too early and that I am common, that the towels didn't need washing, I shouldn't have a coffee with friends, that I am a lady who lunches, I am a money waster, I am lazy. I am shouted at if I am asked to go to a friends for lunch. I am told my daughter doesn't want to go out on a birthday shopping trip with me, that she is just humouring me. I shouldn't make a fuss over things like brushing her hair or keeping the house tidy, but then told that I am lazy when she is messy and the house dirty, that we, my daughter and I have to be enraptured by everything he does, that they both can say what they want to me and tell me how useless I am am that I am a poor role model. When my daughter goes to bed, I go and sit on my own, I cannot choose what to watch on tv as he wants to watch what he wants, he belittles my choices, belittles my education, belittles my family who don't spend time with me or my daughter. My home is all I have, if I leave it I will have nothing but a daughter who is further away and a son who has grown up and moved on. If I end it I have an end to my pain, and a selfish way of not having to think about any of this ever again. I really think life has been a touture which is a hateful thing to say.
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