I swear to God I try, I have tried, I continue to bloody try. Every day I try. To be there for some folks, to try and understand and show compassion. I endeavor to do this for others before myself. But sometimes, like now, I fail. I fail miserably. And I am so sorry to those of you who keep reaching out to me, who have been there for me. I feel extraordinarily selfish. I'm not in a good place folks. I've lost another person from my life. That's my life from 0 to now wiped out. No history, no joint memories to be recalled, zero. Its not knowing where I belong, rather feeling I don't belong anywhere. Its being so anxious about stupid things that previously I wouldn't have given a second thought to. But life has changed, dramatically for me. I'm trying to figure out the past, the present, and the future. Does it mean I'll get there? Nope. And I've gone backwards since this most recent occurrence. I can feel it, its building. And that's not good. I've cancelled any and all apts this week coming. I know where I'm heading and I don't want others seeing that/this/me. I'm tired of the circus. I'm tired of this merry-go-round. I'm tired, of life and being this shitty individual. But I'm sinking, even though I'm trying. All I can ask is that you please understand. Its not about anyone, this is about me. I need to be selfish and appear selfish, even though this increases my self loathing. Its not that I'm not interested or that I don't care, I swear I do. I'm trying self preservation. And yes, SH is part of that for me. I feel like shit for doing this. For being this way. For being incompetent, inept, selfish and so on. I just can't bloody cope - that's it. Please understand, please? I'm sorry. I don't know what else to do. Or what to do, period.