I try

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, Sep 3, 2012.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I swear to God I try, I have tried, I continue to bloody try.

    Every day I try. To be there for some folks, to try and understand and show compassion. I endeavor to do this for others before myself.

    But sometimes, like now, I fail. I fail miserably. And I am so sorry to those of you who keep reaching out to me, who have been there for me. I feel extraordinarily selfish.

    I'm not in a good place folks. I've lost another person from my life. That's my life from 0 to now wiped out. No history, no joint memories to be recalled, zero.

    Its not knowing where I belong, rather feeling I don't belong anywhere.

    Its being so anxious about stupid things that previously I wouldn't have given a second thought to. But life has changed, dramatically for me.

    I'm trying to figure out the past, the present, and the future. Does it mean I'll get there? Nope. And I've gone backwards since this most recent occurrence. I can feel it, its building. And that's not good.

    I've cancelled any and all apts this week coming. I know where I'm heading and I don't want others seeing that/this/me. I'm tired of the circus. I'm tired of this merry-go-round. I'm tired, of life and being this shitty individual.

    But I'm sinking, even though I'm trying. All I can ask is that you please understand. Its not about anyone, this is about me. I need to be selfish and appear selfish, even though this increases my self loathing. Its not that I'm not interested or that I don't care, I swear I do. I'm trying self preservation. And yes, SH is part of that for me.

    I feel like shit for doing this. For being this way. For being incompetent, inept, selfish and so on.

    I just can't bloody cope - that's it. Please understand, please? I'm sorry.

    I don't know what else to do. Or what to do, period.
     
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    I am sorry Mo, that is a lot of sorrow to carry alone.
    You can be as selfish as you want with me my friend.
    As for the SH, just try to be as safe as you can.
     
  3. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Mo... :arms: true friends love care & accept you just as you are... No need to pretend... Its ok to focus on yourself its impossible to save anyone else when we
    are drowning ourselves. Just know people care & here if you need.
    Please keep safe
     
  4. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Hi Mo - please try not to let it get you down. I'm sure many that reached out to you and are willing to offer encouragent and support. Sometimes a good talk with a friend helps me. Even just knowing others care. :hugtackles:
     
  5. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    you are a selfless person you have been there for me many a time if others are there for you its because you deserve it. Hugs and squishes xx
     
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    You know whats weird?

    While out last night late driving, I lost control of the vehicle. Why did I struggle to regain control, why did I try?

    It could have all been done with. The answer.
     
  7. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    (I will say now that I have been watching your threads recently, but I have not said anything really... because I noticed others coming in and doing that, and it appears you maybe have a more deep relationship with some other members here.... so I guess I stayed in the sidelines, because others were being there for you, or were stepping in because they have known you a bit from before etc... But I have been watching, and finally now have something that I feel I should say that might be useful to you...)

    I want to say now, that, maybe this is your answer?

    By this, I mean: "Why did I struggle to regain control, why did I try?". Maybe that is the real answer that you have been missing, that you gave yourself last night. You answered your question for you, from a very deep-rooted area, probably a part of you that you close down, and shut off, and hide. Probably a side of you that would love to come out, but the negative thoughts suppress it, and the ego beats it to submission.

    But without questioning anything, and being put to the test, without the need for intense psychological breakdowns to get answers, and 1000 doubts and questions to figure it all out... in an instant, you had your answer. The answer of course is that you want to live.

    It seems weird to you, because in your conscious state all you can think about is death; but you think about death so much, because you are already dying and have let so many parts of yourself die so far.

    Last night was a glimpse of what life can be. I don't mean losing control and freaking out, but rather, taking control of the wheel, when things are heading out of direction, and turning it back where you want it to be, and coming out unscathed, and fine.

    You did all that last night. That is a miracle, and that is beautiful... and all of that was YOU, and it was YOUR efforts, and YOUR trying that accomplished something last night.

    I don't think you want to die. I think that you want the parts of you that have died, to find a way to come back to life again. That is the impression I am getting.

    :hug:
     
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Samara, thank you. I am trying and what you said makes sense. It just so hard, you know? To have no one close left. It is up to me, no one else. I know this. And while I appreciate your time and your wise words, there is still a " but".
     
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