I understand suicidal thoughts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by john68h, Jun 4, 2013.

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  1. john68h

    john68h Guest

    I've been thinking about doing it for years myself. Why I haven't yet is only because I failed an attempt once about 20 years ago and I was miserable for a week or more afterward. My attempt was a drug overdose. A half full bottle of painkillers is not enough to be fatal, but it will make you more sick than you could ever imagine for a long period.

    So many believe it's a selfish act, and that it's an act of cowardice. I can tell you from the perspective of someone who desperately wants to end this terminal disease called life that it's not about me entirely. I personally struggle to find any value to my remaining alive. Much of my marriage was spent knowing that my value in that marriage was strictly as an income. As our kids get older, they are adopting that same view of me. I can fulfill my role in the grave and I'm worth more dead than alive, so really, what is the point?

    Then there is the God aspect. I'm told all the time God sees value in me, but God can do anything he wants, whenever he wants... what does he need me for? Nothing. The fact is, he can do anything he wills with or without me. My significance is non-existent.

    I'm told to get out of my marriage... divorce is an option. Sure... that would put me in a place to be able to find someone else who would make me feel more valuable within the relationship dynamic. The only problem with that is that I have to bring me into any relationship I enter into and nobody would want me, so that's pointless too.

    This is a rather bleak and dim outlook and I'm sure it will bring down many. I should have used the username captain bringdown I guess.
     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2013
  2. roksy

    roksy Well-Known Member

    It is not bleak at all and maybe it was even a little light :). I understand fully what you are talking about. I've had suicidal feelings for a while now and I try to make sense of them. It is not easy.

    I feel that circumstances have led me to feel suicidal. Maybe I am feeling chronically hopeless that is why I am having these feelings.

    I am sorry to hear that you had an attempt. I haven't and I hope it stays this way. Maybe it is good to work on the marriage issue. I have been taking so much more risk that I know that I am suicidal and discovering new things about myself which I wouldn't have known had I not been suicidal. I don't know if it is worth it but I feel more confident and comfortable in my own skin. Again sometimes I feel that what's the use of knowing myself if I am losing myself but it is not bad to fill the time while I wait to die.
     
  3. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    sorry to hear about your attempt.. i've attempted several times myself.

    i believe we all have our own reasons for doing it- but we can still all understand each other- and our individual situations.

    hope you feel better

    emily
     
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