Believe it or not, I use suicidal thoughts to calm myself so I can sleep. I have been doing it for so long that I hardly even notice, but I do it almost every night. All my life I have suffered from anxiety and insomnia. I have a ritual at bedtime in which I lie down and recite, as if it were prayers, the lines from Keats: "Darkling I listen, and for many a time, I have been half in love with easeful death Called him soft names in many a mused rhyme To take into the air my quiet breath. Now more than ever seems it rich to die To cease upon the midnight with no pain." Then I make believe that I have taken an overdose and that my body is slowly shutting down. Then I recite the lines from "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen:"Nothing really matters, anyone can see, nothing really matters to me." Now I would like to ask a question that may seem odd, to anyone who has attempted suicide. I remember reading in the novel Shogun how when the hero said he was ready to commit hara-kiri and had actually decided he would do it, he felt a tremendous calm and liberation. Anxiety is fear of the future. I have lived in a torture chamber of anxiety and insomnia all my life. Is there a period after the decision to kill oneself that you feel a wonderful release from anxiety, if only for a short time, because you have no future? I cannot ask a successful suicide for obvious reasons, so I will ask anyone who has attempted it.