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I used to be....

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Bigman2232, Jan 20, 2008.

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  1. Bigman2232

    Bigman2232 Well-Known Member

    A good person. I was patient and caring and I never wanted to hurt anyone. Now I just get angry and frustrated at everything. The littlest thing makes me snap and I just want to beat the crap or kill the people causing it.

    Joy is always a very short passing phase, quickly followed by the regular hate and depression.

    I'm alone now because I'm so awful to be around. I hate that I've become this way but I don't see any way back.

    I have nothing left to keep me around. Go ahead and suggest something and I'll tell you if it works. Maybe you guys can think of something I'm not.

    SO many things have gone wrong.
  2. BlackPegasus

    BlackPegasus Well-Known Member

    Have you tried counseling or anything? It may not be easy but that doesn't mean you can't get back to the way you were.
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    Depression will lie to you, tell you there's nobody left who cares, or that your problems are unfixable. It's gonna tell you that you were never really happy in the past. Don't listen. There is a way back. I can't say it's easy, and I can't say you won't ever be depressed again. But it's worth fighting. You are worth fighting for.

    And you know what? I care, even anonymously on the web, as a fellow human to another. Hang in there.

    Keep writing,

  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

  5. Bigman2232

    Bigman2232 Well-Known Member

    Tried counseling and pretty much got the impression that he didn't want to deal with me anymore. Gave me a bunch of the "think positive and it will happen" crap. I tried to do it but it just didn't work.

    I think I need to try a therapist but I don't know how to get in contact and I can't afford to pay for anything.

    Doesn't help when the few people that I thought cared about me get angry and call me fat, lazy, stuck in self pity and have no reason not to be happy
  6. Panther

    Panther Well-Known Member

    what happened that made you feel this way?
  7. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    ugh, sorry you had such a bad experience with that counsellor. i think it's worth it to try another, after all, what is there to lose? is there a clinic with a sliding scale near you? i have no $$ and no insurance, and i'm on the wait list for a place that charges only what you can afford... i don't know where you live, but one of the 1-800 numbers should be able to refer you.

    i don't know why your friends spoke so cruelly to you, but it reflects more on their fears and insecurities than on you. we all have our own reasons for feeling sad or depressed, what might not be a big deal to them may be overwhelming to you. it's not their call. only you know how much you are suffering.

    i hope you can find support here, to keep you hanging on until you find the therapist that's right for you.
  8. joey1970

    joey1970 Member

    niceish and relatively guilt free til last year and the wicked affair the stupid affair i had which has almost torn my family apart the guilt is tremendous and still very much with me to the point that i have contemplated suicide and still do-probably why i'm on this forum. I love my husband so much that i probably would do the ultimate sacrifice i love my children so very muchtoo which may sound a little twisted-me talking about suicide but that's how i feel quite a lot to be honest
  9. Bigman2232

    Bigman2232 Well-Known Member

    where to even begin.
    Doing badly at school. See no point to it and truthfully after elementary, high school and now my 4th year of university, I just want to have a career I can enjoy and make money. Instead I have no chance at a good job because my grades suck (well in comparison to the ones that actually enjoy school and do really well) but I still have the $50000 debt.

    I hate my family. Constantly arguing with them. I feel like I've failed them because I'm not doing well. I have to do everything on my own because no one else in my entire family has ever been to university and I don't have any financial help other than government loans every year.

    put it very simply, I'm lonely as all fuck.

    little hard to be motivated when all you see is a giant empty black hole as your future.
  10. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i believe that the loneliness will pass, with time

    i also went to college, did so-so but found a great job after graduation. nobody ever wanted to see my transcript. i don't know your field, but in my field, the letters were just a necessary thing. what they really cared about at interviews was that you had a passion for the job, could communicate, and that you were willing to keep learning. you write clearly and beautifully, even in this time of emotional turmoil. i am confident you will find a career that suits you.

    i know that black hole feeling. i also know that it won't always be there. it's just hard to see from where you are standing now...
  11. Resolutionary

    Resolutionary Member

    Hey! i feel exactly the same way...

    only because my brother killed himself though. his suicide is torture for me and my parents. all i see is darkness now thanks to his selfish act.
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