Agh! As usual, it didnt take my dad long to return to his usual self and ways, the way he talks to me, verbal and emotional abuse. All he does is pull me down and try to make me feel like an outcast when i know now i am not, i shut myself away and have being a hermit but i can mix and be myself given the chance and given the right kind of mood and situation etc...
Hes always nagging at any little thing, going on about the fact hes giving me money everyday because im in debt with an overdraft which is nearly cleared but still! he knows i only have him to rely on at the minute so he uses it to wind me up, make me feel insecure and cause arguements after arguements i cant stand him, i do actually hate him. Not in the childlike/ adolescent like 'i hate my dad' i have a lot of reason to genuinely despise him!
Im trying not to let him beat me this time, but im sat here like a lame arse worrying over the fact hes threatened to not give me any money for tomorrow which he is likely to do, which means i wont sleep tonight and cant focus on much else or anything and will have to beg and plead literally, until he throws some money in my face spits abuse at me, throws things around spitting his dummy out, blames him and my mothers divorce on me, calls me a mucky bastard, lazy c*nt etc etc, life ruiner is my new nickname (LOL) and all the usual drill im so used to yet it STILL gets to me, i hate being powerless and having no money no independance to even buy a packet of chewy for myself.
I dont know, i have wondered a bit today and night, whether it will get better and actually thought it would be simpler to just take another OD and have a rest in hospital and not have this stress and abuse and insecurity over my shoulders. All i want is to live a calm existence, im not drinking anymore and even had to cut down on smoking, but i cant just STOP my eating habits (binge eating and purging). It has been pretty bad this week despite low money sources, but ive been emotional eating etc and i think perhaps pre menstrual.
I dont know i cant even be bothered to go on its such a waste i just want a bloody normal convo for once and a laugh at something real daft cos thts who i really am, not a nutter as he calls me, and im not out of control, even the professionals can see that!!!!!!! He just makes out as if im mentally ill and need sectioning, when im far far far far farrrrrr from it. Im strong deep down, always have been to an extent, i just get so vexed and wound up by him.
Hes always nagging at any little thing, going on about the fact hes giving me money everyday because im in debt with an overdraft which is nearly cleared but still! he knows i only have him to rely on at the minute so he uses it to wind me up, make me feel insecure and cause arguements after arguements i cant stand him, i do actually hate him. Not in the childlike/ adolescent like 'i hate my dad' i have a lot of reason to genuinely despise him!
Im trying not to let him beat me this time, but im sat here like a lame arse worrying over the fact hes threatened to not give me any money for tomorrow which he is likely to do, which means i wont sleep tonight and cant focus on much else or anything and will have to beg and plead literally, until he throws some money in my face spits abuse at me, throws things around spitting his dummy out, blames him and my mothers divorce on me, calls me a mucky bastard, lazy c*nt etc etc, life ruiner is my new nickname (LOL) and all the usual drill im so used to yet it STILL gets to me, i hate being powerless and having no money no independance to even buy a packet of chewy for myself.
I dont know, i have wondered a bit today and night, whether it will get better and actually thought it would be simpler to just take another OD and have a rest in hospital and not have this stress and abuse and insecurity over my shoulders. All i want is to live a calm existence, im not drinking anymore and even had to cut down on smoking, but i cant just STOP my eating habits (binge eating and purging). It has been pretty bad this week despite low money sources, but ive been emotional eating etc and i think perhaps pre menstrual.
I dont know i cant even be bothered to go on its such a waste i just want a bloody normal convo for once and a laugh at something real daft cos thts who i really am, not a nutter as he calls me, and im not out of control, even the professionals can see that!!!!!!! He just makes out as if im mentally ill and need sectioning, when im far far far far farrrrrr from it. Im strong deep down, always have been to an extent, i just get so vexed and wound up by him.