I want to die. I am lonely, addicted to tramadol and out of shape. I am 30 years old and have busted my freaking ass to build a business that now gives me so much money to live without a worry in my freaking lonely life. I have travelled the world, lived in so many countries, being with so many women, had great experiences, but I am LONELY. L O N E L Y I have done things most people would only dream of doing. But I have had to made sacrifices. My health is crap, I am fat and I just got turned down by a woman because I am fat and not very good looking. Why the freaking fuck do you have to see only my physique? Why don't you see how much I have done, sacrificed, tried to not be average or mediocre, I have had the big balls to do this while addicted to the disgusting tramadol and being lonely. I have gone through so much pain and depression, and I am crying right now as I type this. Isn't a man supposed to try to stand out from the crowd, take decisions and think of the long term? I wanted to find a woman and have a family, kids, even a freaking dog. I am building my business so that when that time comes I would give my future family the best of the best. But I am lonely, so right now I have hundreds of thousands in my bank account and I am crying like a girl typing this, dosed on tramadol and Xanax and thinking of ending this shit all. Every fucking day I think of suicide. Not one day goes by. Being lonely is so hard. I don't blame anyone. I decided to focus on my business 100%, I decided to continue taking tramadol because without it I could not work, I decided to give up my personal life to build a business, I decided to give up my former athletic muscular physique to become a big pile of fat. But I did it for a fucking reason, why can't you see that? You know how much determination, stamina, effort, guts, sweat, tears and BIG BALLS this shit requires?? I am sexually frustrated, I desperately need to make love to a woman. I need a female companion. I need a woman with whom to lay on bed after making love with her head on my chest. I want to wake up to her and smell her skin. I don't want to see prostitutes even though I know many entrepreneurs want; I just want to meet a woman with whom to have a connection. The only woman with whom I thought I had a connection just turned me down because of my physique. This woman is my maid, YES people, I am so lonely I asked my freaking maid out because she is the only women I get to see. I am a respectful man and could have easily put $1000 in her hand and told her to have sex with me, but that is not me. I respect women, I love women, so why do you turn me down? Mother of God, I am so desperate I freaking asked out my maid. This is pathetic and the final nail on my coffin. Or maybe I should have told her straightaway that I want sex. Maybe I screwed it up and made myself look like a loser who hasn't had sex for a year. Why are you women so obsessed with physique? Don't you want a man who is admired and respected by others because of his actions, don't you want a man who has a gifted brain, who has the balls to be different, who goes against the norm and wins, don't you want a man who has done everything everywhere, yet is humble, charismatic and will treat you like you deserve? Don't you women want that DNA passed on to your child? SO why focus on me being fat ffs I am fucking LONELY. I knew my career choice would mean that, but I have always been a lone wolf. Fuck it, it's meant to be like that, isn't it? I even have an excuse to be fat, I almost died from a clot and was put on all kinds of medications and could not exercise. Then I broke up with my fiance which led to depression and to abusing tramadol. Then the stress of building a business. You want a Brad Pitt, then go and get your fucking Brad Pitt. But I have more balls and can provide much better than your Brad Pitt. Plus I am also a great lover. And just because I am fat. Seriously, SERIOUSLY??? I am done here folks. I would not want to die if I had a woman next to me with whom I could connect, make love to and know her and I can relate on so many level. But that hasn't happened for a very long while, and, now being a not-good-looking fat slob, is not going to happen, so finishing my life is the only choice I have. Loneliness is so hard. I really cannot emphasize how freaking hard it is. I am taking another bar of Xanax and more tramadol. I ask you, give me one reason to not kill myself. Give ONE real reason. Don't tell me it isn't worth it because I know for sure it would not be worth it if my situation was different. Don't tell me about my family either, I am well aware of the impact this would have on my family and I know that suicide is a selfish act based on the repercussions of what it does to a family. I need an opinion about me, about what to do; I don't care if you are a woman, man, gay, old, young, Christian, Muslim or whoever you are; I will read and appreciate your opinion and certainly consider it. I need to know why I should not take my life. This incident has put the last nail in my coffin and I don't see a way out.