I wan to finish this all - Dying of loneliness

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by imoutofhere, Jun 2, 2014.

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  1. imoutofhere

    imoutofhere Member

    I want to die. I am lonely, addicted to tramadol and out of shape.

    I am 30 years old and have busted my freaking ass to build a business that now gives me so much money to live without a worry in my freaking lonely life. I have travelled the world, lived in so many countries, being with so many women, had great experiences, but I am LONELY.
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    I have done things most people would only dream of doing. But I have had to made sacrifices. My health is crap, I am fat and I just got turned down by a woman because I am fat and not very good looking. Why the freaking fuck do you have to see only my physique? Why don't you see how much I have done, sacrificed, tried to not be average or mediocre, I have had the big balls to do this while addicted to the disgusting tramadol and being lonely. I have gone through so much pain and depression, and I am crying right now as I type this.

    Isn't a man supposed to try to stand out from the crowd, take decisions and think of the long term? I wanted to find a woman and have a family, kids, even a freaking dog. I am building my business so that when that time comes I would give my future family the best of the best. But I am lonely, so right now I have hundreds of thousands in my bank account and I am crying like a girl typing this, dosed on tramadol and Xanax and thinking of ending this shit all.

    Every fucking day I think of suicide. Not one day goes by. Being lonely is so hard. I don't blame anyone. I decided to focus on my business 100%, I decided to continue taking tramadol because without it I could not work, I decided to give up my personal life to build a business, I decided to give up my former athletic muscular physique to become a big pile of fat. But I did it for a fucking reason, why can't you see that? You know how much determination, stamina, effort, guts, sweat, tears and BIG BALLS this shit requires??

    I am sexually frustrated, I desperately need to make love to a woman. I need a female companion. I need a woman with whom to lay on bed after making love with her head on my chest. I want to wake up to her and smell her skin. I don't want to see prostitutes even though I know many entrepreneurs want; I just want to meet a woman with whom to have a connection. The only woman with whom I thought I had a connection just turned me down because of my physique. This woman is my maid, YES people, I am so lonely I asked my freaking maid out because she is the only women I get to see. I am a respectful man and could have easily put $1000 in her hand and told her to have sex with me, but that is not me. I respect women, I love women, so why do you turn me down? Mother of God, I am so desperate I freaking asked out my maid. This is pathetic and the final nail on my coffin.

    Or maybe I should have told her straightaway that I want sex. Maybe I screwed it up and made myself look like a loser who hasn't had sex for a year.

    Why are you women so obsessed with physique? Don't you want a man who is admired and respected by others because of his actions, don't you want a man who has a gifted brain, who has the balls to be different, who goes against the norm and wins, don't you want a man who has done everything everywhere, yet is humble, charismatic and will treat you like you deserve? Don't you women want that DNA passed on to your child? SO why focus on me being fat ffs

    I am fucking LONELY. I knew my career choice would mean that, but I have always been a lone wolf. Fuck it, it's meant to be like that, isn't it? I even have an excuse to be fat, I almost died from a clot and was put on all kinds of medications and could not exercise. Then I broke up with my fiance which led to depression and to abusing tramadol. Then the stress of building a business.

    You want a Brad Pitt, then go and get your fucking Brad Pitt. But I have more balls and can provide much better than your Brad Pitt. Plus I am also a great lover. And just because I am fat. Seriously, SERIOUSLY???

    I am done here folks. I would not want to die if I had a woman next to me with whom I could connect, make love to and know her and I can relate on so many level. But that hasn't happened for a very long while, and, now being a not-good-looking fat slob, is not going to happen, so finishing my life is the only choice I have.

    Loneliness is so hard. I really cannot emphasize how freaking hard it is. I am taking another bar of Xanax and more tramadol.

    I ask you, give me one reason to not kill myself. Give ONE real reason. Don't tell me it isn't worth it because I know for sure it would not be worth it if my situation was different. Don't tell me about my family either, I am well aware of the impact this would have on my family and I know that suicide is a selfish act based on the repercussions of what it does to a family. I need an opinion about me, about what to do; I don't care if you are a woman, man, gay, old, young, Christian, Muslim or whoever you are; I will read and appreciate your opinion and certainly consider it. I need to know why I should not take my life. This incident has put the last nail in my coffin and I don't see a way out.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 2, 2014
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Becuase you are 30 which is young and many have not even started doing anything at that age- if you are affluent because you spent the last 10 years neglecting all social and only doing business then it would be a simple matter to step back from business and spend next 50 years being social to eliminate the loneliness. If money is not an issue then getting into shape if you find that to be a problem is a simple matter- as is time to do that in without worries of work or other stress. Every issue you listed as an issue to kill self is easily resolved with time and resources of which you apparently have ample of both....
     
  3. imoutofhere

    imoutofhere Member

    Thanks for your reply. I don't have any friends here because all my friends live in other countries. I am basically lonely, so I don't know how to find a woman. The only woman I knew is my freaking maid and she turned me down because she likes good-looking gym-going guys. All women love men with a nice physique but why can't they look beyond and see a person for who he is.

    I don't know how to find someone and I feel ashamed, much more after having asked out my freaking maid. If I was a buff guy with muscles and better looking, she would have throw herself over me; I know that. How pathetic I am, the only woman I knew in this city is my maid and the rest of women here in this city are centered around good looking men. My chances of finding a woman are 0 due to my bad looks and the fact that I am lonely.

    For months I have been having a deep depression where it turns into a vicious cycle that makes me want to close myself to others. Every day I think of suicide and thanks God that I don't have a firearm or fast way to commit suicide, although I know where I can commit suicide without affecting others.

    I also have an extreme build up of sexual frustration, which is why I asked my maid out. I can't take this any more, but I don't want to use a prostitute. I want to make love to a woman who at least appreciates who I am. But without the looks I am going nowhere.

    I feel stupid and ashamed. This is just the straw that broke the camel's back, I have been having issues for months and months stemming from loneliness. I am also addicted to tramadol that I became a slave to it. The withdrawals are absolute hell and I become hyper suicidal during withdrawal.

    Sorry if this all sounds stupid. But the light at the end of my tunnel is fading and I sincerely cannot see a way out.
     
  4. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    Welcome to this forum. I hope you find it useful. No one will, or can, give you a reason to do something, or not to do it. You control your own body, and decide what you wish to do in life. That is your right.

    Although I don't speak for its owners, I believe this web site recommends seeking professional help for suicidal thoughts. If you feel like hurting or killing yourself or someone else right now, then it's best to call a doctor or hospital. Feeling lonely is within normal human emotion, but feeling like suicide is a warning sign.

    Best wishes to you. You deserve the best in life.
     
  5. imoutofhere

    imoutofhere Member

    Thanks. For what is worth, I don't feel like hurting or killing anyone and I've never had this feeling even during situations like this. I am fully responsible for my actions and know this is all my fault.

    I only want to end my pain and I don't see any other way out.
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    As said you back away from business all time and take a course of interest do something that will bring you joy. try something DIFFERENT ok that will have you amongst people of the same interest not all woman are superficial not all go for the looks those type of woman you do not want anyways ok
     
  7. Johnny Messina

    Johnny Messina Well-Known Member

    @imoutofhere

    so mate, you worked so hard to make yourself money... why can't you take some time and rebuild your self physically.. it's not that hard once you begin doing trainings..
    go to the gym and go to the pool mate.. you'll be able to have every women you want if you set things in your head that way and work on your body little bit..

    and btw, I have money issues, can you set me up some business while you're chasing chicas :p

    ps I'm sure you'll make it.. but be sure to choose right girl.. because sometimes relationship can be worse than loneliness, trust me mate..
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 2, 2014
  8. imoutofhere

    imoutofhere Member

    Guys, I feel even worse. In my Xanax frenzy I just went and went to visit an escort lady after posting this message. I am feeling so lonely that I wanted to simply caress the skin of a female. I even told her that and it was a sensual experience. Reminded me of what it was to have a woman in my arms. She wasn't that great looking and the sex was meh (I used condoms of course). I feel ashamed of myself that I have had to go down this route to pay 200 bucks for 90 minutes of not being lonely. The girl was cool and she listened to me and what I am going through as she caressed me. Damn I so miss that feeling.

    This the first time I go and see a prostitute (she has an apartment an received clients discreetly, mostly does massages but also sex). Guess I can't say any longer that I have never seen a prostitute now, huh. But after starting this thread earlier today, I really felt like going to the cliff 15 mins away from my home and jumping, or see a woman with soft skin and perhaps motivate me to know that feeling again.

    I feel like I have let myself down though. I am a respectful man, chatty, considerate to others, well travelled, a listener, and charismatic. Heck, even the maid I mentioned she herself told me today that I was the perfect man except for the weight issue LOL seriously? Even the prostitute I have just seen could not believe I was in need of seeing one. Yeah, but you don't know the pain I have inside.

    I used to be one of those buff guys with an 8 pack. But back then, I didn't have hardly any money. I have always been a lone wolf though, despite the girls, the charisma, I have always been a lone wolf. I attribute this to being bipolar (99% sure I am). I lied to my psychiatrist and convinced her to script me ritalin to help me work more. If I tell them that I think of suicide every day they will remove my tramadol, ritalin and other goodies I have convinced (by lying) to get. But yeah, I have thought about seeing a new psychiatrist and confessing all this to my parents because this is getting way overboard and I want to harm myself and die.

    I am so fucked up on Xanax and tramadol right now that I don't even realize what I've done (i.e. see a prostitute), nor do I give 2 fucks. All I know is tomorrow when I wake up my suicidal thoughts will be tripled.

    I used to be cool with rejection back in my days of being a ladies man, although it hardly happened. I look back to those days and see a kid with low self esteem who wanted to fuck and flirt with as many women as he could just to prove he was worth it. Then I realized that I can't be doing that for the rest of my life. Then I had some health issues, went through a bad break up with a gf and gained load of weight.

    I cry almost on a daily basis. I cry because I think of the consequences of me commiting sucide. I cry because I imagine how my parents and siblings would feel. I cry because if I take that step, that is it. Everyday I think of suicide, tramadol removes that feeling for a couple of hours and then it gets worse. Loneliness is so hard, I swear, is so hard.

    I live in a city with no friends, the closest person was my maid and she rejected me. She knows that I have a business in a very hard industry, that I earn plenty of money and that I am a self-made man. She knows I only sleep 4 hours a day and she knows I miss female companion so much. But she rejects me because I am a fat slob. What is it? Do you want me to go back to being a ladies' man and earn in a year what I can earn in a single day nowadays? Do you know what kind of man you have to be to raise yourself in an industry? The thick skin you have to grow, the extreme focus you need, the determination? And yet here I am feeling even more suicidad because some woman has just rejected me for being a fat slob. And then I went to see a prostitute to simply be able to caress female skin.

    I know this sounds sub real and I don't know even why I am writing this. I really appreciate your input so thank you for that. But my pain is so deep, the pain of not having a girl's cellphone number so we can text romantic stuff to each other, the pain of being lonely in a city where women only judge you for how you look or how much money you have. I don't go around flaunting my money unlike the guys here who take a massive loan to get themselves a Mercedes and they end up losing the car because they can't pay the loans. But girls are attracted by that shit. Seriously, seriously!! I could go and buy myself a freaking Mercedes last edition and pay it cash in hand for god's sake but I just hate flaunting my money. I look like a regular guy who is overweight and who you can tell would be good looking if he lost the fat. I don't wear expensive clothes and I don't treat people like inferior beings just because I have much more money than them. I'm just a regular guy who has worked very hard and sacrificed so much to be where I am financially.

    I realize I sound like a drama queen. But the rejection today sparked my suicidal ideation to the max. And I know tomorrow I will feel the same since the high dose Xanax and tramdol have me a bit chilled out by now, plus the talking with the escort girl helped me a bit. I don't want to die but every day I think of it. My addiction to tramadol is also killing me inside. I cannot live without it and if I try to get off, I will explode and commit suicide (look it up, tramadol wd is known for that since it acts part as a SNRI and serotonin releaser). It's like a freaking MDMA comedown after a binge, but it lasts for a whole month or more.It's terrible.

    Jonny dont worry about inappropriate humour, just say whatever you want. I'm actually looking to hire at least one person for my business, but unfortunately I would rather leave this account as anonymous; otherwise I would love to help you. Heck, I even donate to charities and give money to people in need. Even this maid I reference, I told her I was paying her more money than she was asking because I thought that minimal wage is a steal and not realistic to live off.

    I am a good man. I need a woman. I live in a city where I know absolutely no one and where women are mostly interested in men who look super handsome or men who make it look like they have money (even if they're broke). I am busting my ass to build a huge business and don't even know how to start so as to meet a woman of worth. I also have health problems which led to my gaining of weight. I am also physically addicted to tramadol and soon to Xanax by the looks of it. The loneliness has me thinking every day of suicide, every freaking day. The only thing barely keeping me with some hope is my business. I don't even care about money in that I have enough to live a good life already. Of course, I want to grow my business far more to secure an excellent future and because I am a natural entrepreneur, but if it wasn't for my business I would have taken the plunge a while ago, I know that.

    If I had a woman by my side who loved me and I loved her, I would be happy and I would not want to commit suicide. If i had a woman who understood what I'm going through, the focus and drive that my business requires and that she knew all it would take me is 4-6 months to get back in shape, I would be very happy. Why can't the women here see beyond the Mercedes or the steroid muscles?

    I am sorry to have let myself down, my parents, my siblings, my family an you by having gone to visit a prostitute. I have hit a new low but it was out of desperation. I'm sorry guys.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 2, 2014
  9. Welshgirl

    Welshgirl Member

    Hi,

    I am new here and yours is one of the first posts that I have read. You sound like a great young man, who would treat his lady with respect. Most women would find that appealing.

    I am sorry that you find women so shallow that they are only interested in the physical body. It is truly their loss if they can't see and get to know you. People like that are really not worth having anyways.

    Get in the gym or a personal trainer, release some endorphins, make yourself feel good. Do it for you and nobody else. In time the right lady will come. I wish you well x
     
  10. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    I won't give you specific advice. It doesn't matter much whose fault it is, if you need help. Only you can go for the help.

    Do feel free to post here if you like--but suicidal thoughts are usually too big to handle alone. I can't handle them when I have them. It's probably the most important thing to work on now, as an abdominal 8-pack won't do you much good if it's in your coffin where no one else ever sees it again.

    Best wishes--
     
  11. imoutofhere

    imoutofhere Member

    Thank you guys for the additional answers.

    My suicidal ideations were getting too strong went I initially posted this thread. The Xanax and tramadol have calmed me down but I still feel like ****. I need to do something about this because every day I only think about killing myself. I'm OK with rejection but it sure hurts when you are lonely and going through so much.

    I also feel so bad for having gone and visit an escort lady. But I needed some female companion, even if paid. I feel pathetic for having to pay to not be alone for a while. Makes me feel like no one will ever want to be with me for who I am despite I try my best to be a good respectful hard-working man.

    Thanks for the help guys. If you want I will keep you updated. I just hope my suicidal ideations don't get stronger these coming days.
     
  12. Johnny Messina

    Johnny Messina Well-Known Member

    Don't be sorry, you didn't let anyone down, you went to the prostitute, so what?!... Try to relax little bit.. Why don't you hit a gym or something.. I have big knowlege in sports and bb and eating right so let me know if you need some advice or something, you can contact me in inbox.. I actually feel better if I can help someone.. And no worries mate about staying anonymous, I can uderstand you, I want to stay anonymous too and I have nothing to lose.. Even tho it would be nice to have decent job, we could workout together and go looking for some nice girls :p (just joking)

    ps I didn't edited my post for inappropriate humour, moderator did..

    Wish you good luck ;)
     
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