I wanna die so I can go live in my dream.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by meriwether_lewis, May 17, 2008.

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  1. meriwether_lewis

    meriwether_lewis New Member

    Hello, I'm 16-years-old. I'm a high school student. Um... I'm not sure what else I should say. Uh... I'm a guy.

    Whatever.

    I've always felt, as far back as my memory takes me, that I don't belong in this world. I've had thoughts of killing myself as young as 5-years-old. I distinctly remember this time when I was 5 and I was climbing a tree. Somehow, maybe a branch broke or something, I fell from the tree and got hurt pretty damn badly. I hit my face on an old radiator someone had left out under the tree and it's the last thing I saw before I lost consciousness. I wasn't out for too long, maybe five or so minutes. But what I saw during those five minutes of near-death I could never forget.

    First, everything was white. The floor, the walls... I couldn't really see them because all of the white blended together, but I sensed their presence. Anyway, the only thing in the white nothingness was a coat stand thing, only it had hats on it. All sorts of hats. I kept trying them on, but they were either too big or too small. I couldn't find a hat that fit. Finally I find the perfect hat and when I put it on my head, some batteries fell on the ground. That part was pretty weird. I'm not sure where the batteries came from. It seemed like the fell off of me. Anyway, when I put on the hat, it also started to rain, but it was a pleasant rain and there were candles burning and the rain wouldn't put them out.

    Uh... then I woke up at the hospital.

    Yeah.

    So recently, I've been having the same sort of dreams again. The first it re-occurred, I was staring at the radiator in my new room (we just moved out of our old apartment) and I was really tired and I fell asleep. So my dream was similar. Only I just started out with the right hat and I look up and the rain feels all pleasant and I see paper balloons floating in the sky. The balloons have more candles inside of them. It's very pretty.

    I know it's crazy, but I think the radiators are trying to tell me something. I always fall asleep staring at it and I get that dream. I think that when I die I'll go to a happy place with no problems. I wanna go there. I don't like it here. I don't really belong in this world.
     
  2. Fishman

    Fishman Guest

    hmm, teenage years can be a stressful and turbulent time when people search for identities and such. It can also be a time when the brain under goes many changes. Maybe you are depressed or something alone those lines. Perhaps talking to your parents about your feelings of not belonging in this world might help.

    Feel free to talk more and take care.
     
  3. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Why do you feel like you dont belong to this world? It must be some reason.
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    wow, i have felt that so many times. I have often had beautiful dreams and when i woke i felt so depressed and wanted to go back there. Its an amazing feeling, similar to taking recreational drugs.
     
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