I wanna fade away

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by neova, Aug 30, 2008.

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  1. neova

    neova New Member

    Ever since I was little, around the age of 10, i've always had a thought inside of just wanting everything to fade away. Myself, the people around me that hurt me physically and mentally, etc... My parents always put me into studies as I watched other kids enjoy their childhood, going to parties, hanging out with friends, socializing, playing, etc...

    I never once lived what you call a childhood or ever experienced what you may call "fun". I do not know how to socialize with people. I just stay quiet unless I'm asked a question and respond best to my knowledge and go back into my silent nature. I blame my family for never letting me go outside, hanging out with the little friends I had back then. I ran off once to go to a friends house, when I came back, my dad beat me like I killed someone.

    When I got to high school, I couldn't even stand being watched all alone. EVERYWHERE I looked someone had someone to talk to or hang out with. I just went somewhere to hide until the bell rang for class. I got a job to pass away the time and my sister put me in charge of paying rent, light, and cable bills since I moved with my parents to another state and are retired now. I quit the job recently and I don't know how they are going to pay for everything now because I just don't give a fuck anymore.

    Don't tell me to believe in Jesus, God, Allah, Buddah or whatever religious person because I gave up on religion long ago and don't believe in those "forgiving saints" anymore.

    But for some reason I can't push myself to kill myself. Why can't it just all fade away? Maybe there are people who can help me out there, a "psycho"therapist as I heard, but I just don't feel like going to them or try to get any help besides over here. If there is an easy way to end all this, please do tell...
  2. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Hi there & welcome to SF :hug:

    I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so down at the moment. You ask for an easy way out but sadly in my experience there isn't one. Life would be a lot easier for everyone if there was.

    I know you're not keen on getting therapy but I think you could really benefit from it. I wasn't keen on therapy either & it took me a long time to accept that I needed it. It's a long process & it's still ongoing for me but she really helps me understand everything that goes on in my head. I think if you worked with a therapist then they could help you through your issues with your parents.

    Good luck, I hope you can find it in you to go & get help. You don't deserve to suffer :hug:

    Keep posting & let us know how you are getting on.

    Take care & keep safe xx
  3. Your life sound a lot like me, are you perhaps Asian?

    And if I knew a way how to end it, I would NEVER let you know because I don't want you to die. I do commentate death often, but I don't think I want to do it if I could.
  4. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    this essentially sounds like my childhood, it is funny about the religion thing to, because I also gave up on religion as a result
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Neova. Sorry to hear that you had such a miserable childhood and overprotective parents. It may seem difficult or impossible, but you can learn how to talk to people and carry on a conversation. I also have a hard time interacting with others, but I just put my reservations aside and just do it. I'm also sorry that you have given up on religion. It's a personal choice and if it doesn't help you, then you shouldn't believe in it. Please don't harm yourself though. Stick around and make some friends on SF. There are some really nice people here. :hug:
  6. neova

    neova New Member

    Hello again, I'm still holding on somehow and to answer some of the questions:

    Yes I am Asian. I would go to a therapist but, I really can't afford it as I have no medical insurance or enough money to pay out of my own pocket.

    Just a little update: Something I didn't mention before; my parents are always fighting with each other, I've grown up just watching fights all over the place. My sister comes over and starts yelling me about how I hurt her reputation because I quit my job and now she and my brother are going to have to pay. I kindly told her the reason and all she does is completely ignores me about what I said and starts yelling at me more. My dad comes in and starts to yell even more.

    I see my dad's hand coming toward me and I just land a punch on him. I really don't know if he was going to hold me or hit me as I don't care or love my family anymore. At least they all walked away and aren't talking to me for the moment.

    If I cause so much pain to them even when I try to explain to them, yet all they think about is themselves, why should I cease to exist? Sooner or later they will push me to my limits.
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