Ever since I was little, around the age of 10, i've always had a thought inside of just wanting everything to fade away. Myself, the people around me that hurt me physically and mentally, etc... My parents always put me into studies as I watched other kids enjoy their childhood, going to parties, hanging out with friends, socializing, playing, etc...
I never once lived what you call a childhood or ever experienced what you may call "fun". I do not know how to socialize with people. I just stay quiet unless I'm asked a question and respond best to my knowledge and go back into my silent nature. I blame my family for never letting me go outside, hanging out with the little friends I had back then. I ran off once to go to a friends house, when I came back, my dad beat me like I killed someone.
When I got to high school, I couldn't even stand being watched all alone. EVERYWHERE I looked someone had someone to talk to or hang out with. I just went somewhere to hide until the bell rang for class. I got a job to pass away the time and my sister put me in charge of paying rent, light, and cable bills since I moved with my parents to another state and are retired now. I quit the job recently and I don't know how they are going to pay for everything now because I just don't give a fuck anymore.
Don't tell me to believe in Jesus, God, Allah, Buddah or whatever religious person because I gave up on religion long ago and don't believe in those "forgiving saints" anymore.
But for some reason I can't push myself to kill myself. Why can't it just all fade away? Maybe there are people who can help me out there, a "psycho"therapist as I heard, but I just don't feel like going to them or try to get any help besides over here. If there is an easy way to end all this, please do tell...
I never once lived what you call a childhood or ever experienced what you may call "fun". I do not know how to socialize with people. I just stay quiet unless I'm asked a question and respond best to my knowledge and go back into my silent nature. I blame my family for never letting me go outside, hanging out with the little friends I had back then. I ran off once to go to a friends house, when I came back, my dad beat me like I killed someone.
When I got to high school, I couldn't even stand being watched all alone. EVERYWHERE I looked someone had someone to talk to or hang out with. I just went somewhere to hide until the bell rang for class. I got a job to pass away the time and my sister put me in charge of paying rent, light, and cable bills since I moved with my parents to another state and are retired now. I quit the job recently and I don't know how they are going to pay for everything now because I just don't give a fuck anymore.
Don't tell me to believe in Jesus, God, Allah, Buddah or whatever religious person because I gave up on religion long ago and don't believe in those "forgiving saints" anymore.
But for some reason I can't push myself to kill myself. Why can't it just all fade away? Maybe there are people who can help me out there, a "psycho"therapist as I heard, but I just don't feel like going to them or try to get any help besides over here. If there is an easy way to end all this, please do tell...