Yeah so for a few months now, I've wanted a baby. I have this fantasy in my head that having my own child, would make me happy, it would make me feel significant in this world, it would make me feel needed, vital to someones life. I spend a lot of my time daydreaming about holding my baby in my arms, reading them bedtime stories and doing the voices and making them laugh, teaching them to walk, all of the other things that make me smile, properly, when nothing else in this world really does. The problem is, my boyfriend, who says he'd give me anything to make me happy, won't give me this one thing. And I know it's a huge thing, and I know we're 18/19 so it's a massive step. But it's what I want most in the whole world, it would make me happy, and not to mention a child growing inside me would get rid of the suicidal thoughts - I couldn't kill my child as well. Then when it comes along, it will need me, so I still won't want to kill myself. I can only see this as a positive thing, it is something holding me, tethering me to life. My boyfriend doesn't want a baby. He says we're too young, not in the financial position, etc. I think we could manage it though. I see all the chavvy girls from my school out and about with their babies, and they manage it. They all look... happy. They're absolute scumbags, bullied me, made me feel like shit, probably have an IQ you can count to on your fingers, but they're happy, and I'm not, and they have more significance in this world than I do. Mike says part of him does want a child with me. He loves me and says he wants to spend forever with me. He enjoys the picture I paint when I get him to imagine coming in from work to find me cuddled up on the sofa in a blanket with our baby in my arms. He just wants to wait until I get better. I don't want to wait until I get better. I want to do it now, because I know it will bring me at least some happiness, to hold my own child in my arms, my miracle, to see it laugh and smile. There's no point waiting until I get better because then I might as well wait until I get the whole university thing out of the way first. (I've lost interest in university completely, all I want to do is get pregnant, finish my A Levels and have my baby). I know how this whole thing sounds, and I know what some of the responses are going to be like, so please don't tell me how I should wait, how I'm too young, this that and the other. I've heard it all before and it doesn't change my mind in the slightest.