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I want his permission to die ?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Nobodydifferent, Dec 9, 2015.

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  1. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    My son has always been my reason not to kill myself . If it wasn't for him is gladly off myself as quick as possible .. But I will not do to my son what my dad did to me . But my son is a teenage . I was a little girl with no clue . I wonder .. How much does my son understand ? Am I a complete basket case all the time .. No there are days , weeks even where I'm a 'normal person' but then there are times like now .: where I cry all day .: stay in bed all day .: where if he so much as leaves a sock on the floor I get way to mad then feel bad for getting mad then cry and say I'm sorry !

    Is that the kinda mother he deserves ? The mother who hates herself ..with cuts down my arms and sits alone in my room ?

    Wouldn't he be better off if I just was gone already

    Does anyone else wonder these things ?

    Sometimes I want to ask him .: how much do you know ? Do you know I cut ? Do you know I'm crazy ? Can mommy kill herself ?

    I'm a horrible person ::

    The only thing I wanted to do right was be a mother:.
    And now all I want is my son to say go ahead mom yoi can die .. I feel disgusting writing that .. Embarrassed

    I am truly scared I'm
    Going to live till I'm 90
    I'm alone .none of my friends have even reached out to me and they kinda know I'm going through something .. It's like they don't even care anymore

    I think if I killed myself :. No one would even notice ..
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Believe me your son would notice.
    Children of parents who commit suicide are twice as likely to commit suicide. He may well know you have "crazy" times, but I doubt that makes him love you less.
    My mother was in and out of mental hospitals while I was growing up, she once climbed out a window and said she was going to jump, she only didn't because I climbed out with her and said "if you go I go".
    I still remember the terror, I was 14 and am now 60, but that memory sticks with me and the terrible fear I felt.

    Are you getting any help, if not see your doc a.s.a.p.
  3. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    Thank you for replying.. Yes I'm seeing a therapist .. Have been all my life on and off . I was in and out of hospitals when I was young but never as an adult . This is the first time considering as an adult .
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    show your son there is another way out not suicide go to hospital and get help you need now. I hope you never ever ask your son that question that would be so unfair to him
  5. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't ever ask him that ! I said I want to .. But it's something I'd never do .. It's extremely hard living like this .. But I do it ..
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    He's a teenager, so if you have to go into hospital he is old enough to be told at least some of what is going on with you.
    Let him support you, at least a little, and letting him know some of what's happening should take out any fears he may have.
    If you do go into hospital, look at it as you making things better for both of you.
  7. jake.x.99

    jake.x.99 On Leave

    whether he shows it or not, i expect that your son sees you suffering and worries about you all the time. teenage boys get wrapped up in their day-to-day lives, but it sounds like you have a really good relationship with him, so i'm sure he feels you suffering. show him that it is ok to ask for help when you are in your darkest places. show him how to fight. and most of all, show him that he is important enough to you that you will always fight to stay right there with him. as much as you might want to believe that he would be better off without you, i promise you that it isn't true -- and i think that deep down, when you're being honest with yourself, you know it isn't the truth. he needs you, and he will always need you. and he would notice if you were gone -- you know from experience the hole that would leave in his life. that he is older than you were when your father took his life, and the fact that you have a much better relationship with him than you had with your father should tell you that the hole your loss would leave in his life would be thousands of times greater than when your father died. it would be something he could not recover from -- he needs you. fight for him, and fight for yourself.
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