My son has always been my reason not to kill myself . If it wasn't for him is gladly off myself as quick as possible .. But I will not do to my son what my dad did to me . But my son is a teenage . I was a little girl with no clue . I wonder .. How much does my son understand ? Am I a complete basket case all the time .. No there are days , weeks even where I'm a 'normal person' but then there are times like now .: where I cry all day .: stay in bed all day .: where if he so much as leaves a sock on the floor I get way to mad then feel bad for getting mad then cry and say I'm sorry ! Is that the kinda mother he deserves ? The mother who hates herself ..with cuts down my arms and sits alone in my room ? Wouldn't he be better off if I just was gone already Does anyone else wonder these things ? Sometimes I want to ask him .: how much do you know ? Do you know I cut ? Do you know I'm crazy ? Can mommy kill herself ? I'm a horrible person :: The only thing I wanted to do right was be a mother:. And now all I want is my son to say go ahead mom yoi can die .. I feel disgusting writing that .. Embarrassed I am truly scared I'm Going to live till I'm 90 I'm alone .none of my friends have even reached out to me and they kinda know I'm going through something .. It's like they don't even care anymore I think if I killed myself :. No one would even notice ..