i want it fucking over

[byebyebeautiful]

the nightmares to stop.
my mind to stop spinning.
to stop turning in curcles.
my life is pointless.

I only have to possibly 3 people who care about me. one would deffinatly be better off without me. the other i abuse. and the other Kenny, who looks after me, but is hurting himself. I cannot rely on my boyfriend, he is due to go to uni, my mum cannot help, she discourages medication and therapy, tho i use it anyway. and kenny, well he needs help himself.

all my life i have been hurt, abused, or otherwise ill treated. i have seen things no child should see. i have been through things no person should go through. yet i apparently put myself out there, to be in that place, where i would be abused. i dont want to remember it any longer. I get my medication this week, I can take it all. and no one would know. and the world would be happy.

I should be dead anyway, at 11 months old i had meninjitus, the doctors said I should have died, but i didn't. I should have, i shouldnt be here, i shouldnt have been saved, to see my dad abuse my mum, to see another man abuse my mum, to be bullied, to have my brother abuse me. it isnt fair.

 

[sudut]

I am sorry to hear you've had to endure all these. These experiences have made you stronger as they have help prepared you for something greater. i don't know what it might be.

 

[byebyebeautiful]

no, i used to be strong, up until my mum met her boyfriend. then everything came crashing down. i have nothing and no reason

 

[itmahanh]

Hun you are like so many of us here. We want to stop the pain in our existance. I dont have any magic words of hope or ways to make your situation better. I just want to let you know you arent alone and I for one would not be better off knowing that you had ended your life. Yes we are strangers but yet we are connected by our feelings and pain. I do find posting my thoughts and feelings and sharing them with others here sometimes helps to make them a little more bareable. Please keep fighting to find a way to hold on. If you ever want to talk about things drop me a pm.

 

[byebyebeautiful]

thanks itmah. posting just makes it more real for me, but today im just struggling. idk why, and it hurts. im hurting and my chest is tight. and i cant go on. its not fair

 

[byebyebeautiful]

if i have to put up with one more nightmare... i cant cope. i cant. and i cant even cut, fucking bastereds chuckedout my blades. do they want me to die??

 

[gentlelady]

I know the nightmares are not easy to deal with, but you can cope and do what it takes to go on. You have before and know what it takes to do so. Please stay safe.

 

[pían]

You've experience things no one should go through, you've seen things no one should see. To make it this far is an accomplishment, to throw it all away would be an injustice to you and your strong mentality.

I wish I had the strength to suck it up and soldier on like you have, you've done amazing so far. I hope you can make it through this field into the next one

 

[yourAjew]

i found this pretty interesting .

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first; get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, You spend your last nine months floating... Then you finish off as an orgasm."


- George carlin !

 

[byebyebeautiful]

thanks for the replies. it is hard, i dont feel like a fighter, but i get told i am.

thanks gentle lady, for the reply, cant remember it as now, cause im still half asleep, but ur right it is difficult.

and to the last post, i wish it was that way too

 

[byebyebeautiful]

my effing fault if HE does it again. if it hurts someone else, rapes someone else, and all because of what? me being a stupid idiot and in capable of taking him to court. not that they would believe me anyway, cause i was into kinky stuff back then. into being cuffed up/tied up and being controlled, even tho he raped me and beat me up. and he confessed and there are witnesses that heard him talk about it. the police wouldn't listen to me. all i am is some stupid just turned adult, who is suicidal and suffer from hearing voices.

who would they believe, a f up like me? or a polite, clever young man like him? not me. i abused my ex Craig, that would sure come into it. and i would be made the bad guy. all this is my effing fault. then the others? well i just deserve all the crp that comes my effing way. well it aint gonna. i wont let it. i cant take this no effing more.

 

[kenny]

I know you're strong, and when you don't feel it, you've got people who care about you very much to lean on.

none of it is your fault, you have to remember that. you're not a fuckup, you are a very nice young lady.

Day or Night, I am here for you, to listen, and talk you down, or get you safe.

 

[Samantha]

the nightmares to stop.
my mind to stop spinning.
to stop turning in curcles.
my life is pointless.

I only have to possibly 3 people who care about me. one would deffinatly be better off without me. the other i abuse. and the other Kenny, who looks after me, but is hurting himself. I cannot rely on my boyfriend, he is due to go to uni, my mum cannot help, she discourages medication and therapy, tho i use it anyway. and kenny, well he needs help himself.

all my life i have been hurt, abused, or otherwise ill treated. i have seen things no child should see. i have been through things no person should go through. yet i apparently put myself out there, to be in that place, where i would be abused. i dont want to remember it any longer. I get my medication this week, I can take it all. and no one would know. and the world would be happy.

I should be dead anyway, at 11 months old i had meninjitus, the doctors said I should have died, but i didn't. I should have, i shouldnt be here, i shouldnt have been saved, to see my dad abuse my mum, to see another man abuse my mum, to be bullied, to have my brother abuse me. it isnt fair.

>>>>
In reality there is no justice in life its classic Darwinism survival of the fittest

Samantha