I want it to finally be over.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DeVon72176, May 18, 2010.

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  1. DeVon72176

    DeVon72176 Active Member

    So, I keep getting dealt blow after blow and I'm at the end of my rope.
    A few months ago, my wife decided to leave me. Even after I found out she was cheating, I wanted to work it out. It didn't happen. I went into the hospital after getting really sick and found out that, on top of having a heart condition, my kidneys are failing and I'm probably going to need a transplant. The hospital visit got me fired. This happened at the same time my wife and I separated. So, now, I'm living with my mom and can't make any money (due to sacrifices to the wife, who also took my car). My mom is moving and I can't go with her. I don't think I can collect unemployment. I've lost a good friend. I'm going to be homeless.

    I want to die. I do. I've been told I'm miserable, and my life has been.

    The only thing keeping me here are my two beautiful daughters, and I'm losing my grip on them.

    MY life is torture and I don't know what to do.
  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    I am really truly sorry to hear about your troubles, I only wanted to say my sympathies and that I think you need to focus on your health before anything else, maybe if you got healthier and stronger then you can keep fighting for the sake of your daughters.

    I know it is not the best advice but I just wanted to say I read it and I really felt for you that is all.
  3. Infinite Sadness

    Infinite Sadness Well-Known Member

    Oh my..that is a lot of stuff to deal with. I am sorry you are going through such a tough time. You sound like a strong person though. It takes a strong person to want to work something out with another after being hurt so bad by them.

    My mother went through some eerily similar things to what you are describing and Rich makes a good point, you need to focus on being healthy so that you have the right headspace to be there for your daughters. My mom didn't do that unfortunately, and it ended badly. I am currently working on getting well so that I don't repeat what my mom did; for my daughter.

  4. DeVon72176

    DeVon72176 Active Member

    Thanks. What I listed above was a very, very simplified version of what I'm going through.

    You wouldn't know I was unhealthy to look at me. I don't smoke. I drink lightly. I just know that it is lurking in the background.

    Any time I want to end it, I think about my oldest being upset and crying and them living their lives without my guidance and I can't. But the thoughts are more frequent now and I feel like living is torture, even though it shouldn't be (like, something's wrong with my head).

    I wish I were as strong as you think I am.

    At least I've stopped crying, for now.
  5. Friend

    Friend Well-Known Member

    Hi DeVon, I'm sorry to hear about your story. I relate to a lot of it. For me it has been very difficult to go from being the king of my castle to back living with my mom. At one time I had my own apartment and my wife and daughter living with me. For a few years I worked 50-hr weeks and was the man of the house. Despite some financial difficulties I always had my family as a pillow to fall back on, I didn't mind sacrificing myself for their benefit, their was comfort in that and everything seemed great because of it. Due to a long story she left me and I lost my job. I did go homeless for five years, and I don't mean couch-surfing, rather sleeping in my car, and after the car was stolen, fields and shelters, but unfortunately after that long of a stretch five long years I got to the point where I found that I simply couldn't deal with it any more. So here I am back with mom (lol - pathetic) and feeling worse than ever. Lately I contemplate going homeless again might not be my worst option. The rank & file of shelters isn't so bad considering that the environment is composed of people who are dealing with a similar if not the exact same situation as you. And it's mainly in that that there is any comfort to be found. No one ever thinks that it could happen to them until it does, and the only way to know is to go through it. I know that you are and I'd just like to say that you're not alone with the insane feeling that comes with being a, dare I say, man who feels incapable or perhaps restrained from being able to providing for his and his own. At least that's my own experience. It is enough to drive a man insane, and indeed, insane I have gone. I am no longer the king of any castle and instead I feel as "a motherless child, a long way away from home," as the saying goes. I will be around for a little while if you feel like talking, send me a private message or whatever if you want, but, I am getting to the point where ending it does indeed seem like one of the best options available to me. If you can make your situation work out I'd say go for it, my situation on the other hand is starting to feel miserably hopeless. It was all fun & games during my 20s but now, my vessel itself is in pain and I've become bitter. And probably better off dead. Cheers.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 18, 2010
  6. DeVon72176

    DeVon72176 Active Member

    Thanks Friend. I appreciate it.

    Now that I've calmed down a little, maybe I can elaborate on some of these things. I guess I just need to talk.

    First, I'm really looking at a nasty time table. My mom is moving in a month and a half and if I don't have a job (which means insurance which means doctors), then I can't get a place to stay. My daughters mean everything to me, and if I can't see them, then my world might as well end. But no matter where I go, I can't get hired. Especially if I'm overqualified.

    And I have to clarify: when I say I lost a friend, she didn't die. I had to push her away. We were actually consoling each other (both of us are getting a divorce), and we got to know each other and I fell in love with her. The heart does the worst things some times, especially when it hurts. Unfortunately, she found out. So, I pushed her away to protect us both. Probably wasn't a smart move. So, now I don't have any friends... again. It usually isn't a problem, but I'm being crushed by everything.

    My wife is not helpful at all. If I had the car, I would have had a job. She has a huge family to back her and I have one person... my mom. That situation is complicated enough, but she can get another car and she chooses not to.

    She also mentioned that I seemed miserable all of the time. I wasn't until she started doing these things to me. But in all honesty, I may have had my highs in life (yay for my daughters), but I just feel I've been miserable since grade school. I've been lonely, teased, taunted, and ignored since then and fought through it all. I've just never been in this situation and I'm very tired. I see everyone else around me and they're so happy and I figure, "There must be something wrong with me." I especially hate it when people kiss. It makes my heart hurt, I miss it so much.

    A long time ago, my dad had this friend. He tried to help his friend out by giving him jobs and paying attention to him. But his friend kept drinking and found himself in places he shouldn't have been, sometimes unconscious... like in a gutter. His friend knew something was wrong with himself, but he kept doing it. One day, they came home to find that he had taken his life. I'll spare the details, but that's how I feel right now. Like I know something is wrong with me, but there's nothing I can do (I won't take meds. I have my reasons).

    Thank God for my girls. If they weren't here, I wouldn't be typing this right now (and may have succeeded the first time I tried). I'm just afraid that I'm going to slip one day and that's it.

    I don't know. I'm rambling and feel bad...
  7. Friend

    Friend Well-Known Member

    I feel you. Once my wife and I seperated I had a nervous breakdown, so of course I lost my job and apartment because of it. No other option, I went homeless for five years and wasn't able to see my daughter even once during that time. My ex took my daughter with her and moved states away. I didn't have any way of getting ahold of them I was too busy surviving, and she decided not to ever contact my mom. That destroyed me. It seared a hole into my soul that at this point I realize is irreplacable. My dad always brought me up with an enormous sense of family value in life (main emphasis: family and true love don't bail out on you, not ever), and once I had the chance of being a dad stripped away from me, I've lost all sense of self value. I look in the mirror now and I really do not like what I see, nor recognize what I see. Instead I relate with the gutters, they are always there for me when I need them (drunk and getting rained on in the gutter has felt good to me, because I felt that it was real). I am no longer fixable, I can feel it in my soul. So, I've decided to leave this forum. What use am I here? Considering what I'm facing, it's clear that I won't have the best advice. I will say this though, if possible, stay in your daughter's lives that you can avoid this void. At this point I can't tell up from down, only in and out make any sense to me now, and in doesn't look very tangible. I purposely avoid mentioning what I have to do every day just to get into a coherent enough frame of mind to type. Men still have some rights in family court, I sure wish that I would've fought more to protect mine rather than just let her get away with what amounts to kidnapping basically. Wish I would've saved it back when there was still something left to salvage. My daughter is now nine and I can only imagine how much she hates me. Simply too much that I can bear as a being as I was never expecting something as horrendous as this. Just like to say though that I do relate to your story, and I'll be praying for you my friend. Of course your woman is probably gone forever, but I do hope that you can save your own situation. Peace.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 19, 2010
  8. DeVon72176

    DeVon72176 Active Member

    I have this feeling that I'm going to start waking up crying everyday. It sucks cause I don't have a private place I can cry. I already have enough problems sleeping.

    For the record, I am over my wife (I call her that because it's still legal). The pain and loneliness is still there.
  9. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I just wanted you to know that I read your posts. I can't offer more than what's already been said, but we're always here whenever you need to talk. Post as much as you want; it may help to have a place where you can get everything out. My PM box is always open if you feel like talking.
  10. DeVon72176

    DeVon72176 Active Member

    I am walking a thin line right now. I've thought about taking my life twice and almost did it. I've actually called the suicide line and they gave me some information and listened, but I can't stop crying and I can't figure out why these things are happening to me.
  11. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    :hug: Here if you feel like talking.
  12. DeVon72176

    DeVon72176 Active Member

    So, here's a brief on what's happened to me.

    To fight for myself, I tried to get the car so I can get a job so I can survive and pay for my kids. I'm successful eventually, but I get served with a tro for no reason. Now, I'm afraid I'm going to get screwed at the hearing and lose the right to see my kids.

    That alone will kill me.

    My unemployment still won't come through, I've been sleeping on the floor or in my car, and bills are going to be due soon. My biggest fear is losing my memories of the girls. I don't care about anything else physically.

    I know I'm in a bad way because the tears are starting again and the hunger I was feeling earlier today from not eating is gone. My appetite is gone completely.

    I think I'm in trouble here.
  13. DeVon72176

    DeVon72176 Active Member

    I'm going to go take a walk and figure out how I'm going end it.
  14. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Don't do it‼

    Your daughters would not want you to kill yourself, no matter how bad it gets! If you're still alive, you have a chance to be part of their lives!
  15. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    DeVon72176, "This too shall pass away." I have had some terrible things happen to me in life, and in time they were behind me.

    Nothing is too big that you cannot sleep on it, wait another day. Night will fall, and you will rest, and each problem will present itself one step at a time. Even mountains can only be ascended a step at a time. Either you will have the strength to make that step or you will be on a chair sitting down or lying prone resting. It's always one of these situations. Everything else is just your all your fears descending on you at the same time.

    Just focus on what is in front of you.
    A month from now things would have changed. If it's good you will be glad you waited. If bad things happen, you will adapt in time. And good things will arise from it. It always does. You have a lot of good things waiting down the line for you if you just hold on. You'll get past this.
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