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I want my mom back! **Trigger**

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by ilovewoodchuck, Nov 4, 2008.

  1. ilovewoodchuck

    ilovewoodchuck Active Member

    I'm 32. I found my mom this morning, and so did my 5 year old daughter. I love my mom so much, and I can't believe she actually did it. My mom's boss called me worried that she didn't show up for work. After I took my selfish time getting my daughter and me ready, we went over there. As soon as I opened the garage door, there she was. I don't know what I'm going to do without her. She was getting to retirement age, and I was trying to get her to sell her house across town & buy a house with my family. That way she'd be closer to her only grandchild. I'm sad, angry, and guilty all at the same time. Can anyone out there relate to me?
  2. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Sorry to hear that. I haven't experienced anything like that but I can hug you. :hug:
  3. daniel2

    daniel2 Banned Member

    I'm sorry for your loss and share in your sadness.

  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I'm sorry for the loss of your mom and I'm sorry that your 5 year old daughter had to find her. When someone commits suicide, it leaves their loved ones wondering if they did something wrong or if they could do anything to prevent it. All you can really do, is remember your mom, for the loving person that she was. Try to think about her life, not about her death. :hug:
  5. ilovewoodchuck

    ilovewoodchuck Active Member

    I was such an awful teenager. I took her for granted. I thought she'd be here with me to see my daughter graduate high school, college, get married, and see her great grands. I'll never be able to tell her I love her again. I'll never be able to piss her off again, which I was really good at. I should have been there to stop her. Why didn't I go?
  6. Robin

    Robin Guest

    I put my mum through hell when I was a kid, blamed her for the divorce at the time, before my life was idyllic. I apologised to her earlier this year (am 38 now) and she said that I was lovely or something like that, and that mothers always look at their children through rose tinted glasses, as in, we can do no wrong.

    I really thought all those years I had wounded her soul horribly for eternity but her unconditional love put that demon in my heart to sleep for good.

    You don't have the option of saying anything like that to you mum now, or maybe she has and your self loathing won't let you accept it, I don't know, but theree's basically two types of mothers, those that love unconditionally (even if they dont show it) and then those that couldn't give a rats arse. The former have only love for their children across the eons, no mater how many children they have over many lifetimes the latter are good food for worms :)
  7. ilovewoodchuck

    ilovewoodchuck Active Member

    Thank you for your support. I can't get the image of her cold & purpled body out of my head. I feel like there was something I could have done to prevent this. It's so hard to celebrate her life when all I can think about is her death, and how I wish it were me instead of her
  8. Robin

    Robin Guest

    There's a couple people here that do or have had that prob that I know about. Starlite was feeling terribly dejected about her mum until she has an epiphany one day and ..sam.. who miises her nan terribly.

    I remember once, visiting a good friend who I rarely hear from now unfortunately with another friend and no matter how much logic or compassion we used the more we proved that she was not responsible for her mothers rape which she witnessed (and passed away in her 30s I think), she became more and more upset.

    I don't think anyone on the internet is going to help you find comfort in your mothers life, nor many people in the real world. I am seeing a CBT Dr for my issues and he is very patient despite my circular thinking that lead back to the core of my self loathing.

    At the end of the day, he would call what you are doing a safety behavior I think it's called, a coping mechanism you created so that you could understand the world you were living in without your mother.

    Doesn't matter how painful the coping mechanism, it helps us relate to and cope with the world and is supposed to help us adapt to it under difficult situations.

    I'm not a dr though, this is just what I've learned through my therapy and even though I am aware of it I still struggle to leave the house. However, with my cbt dr, I have a hope that one day I could reach a point where this aspect of my mental health will be somewhat controllable for the most part.

    As my Dr says, you can talk about it all you want but unless you actually process it's not going to go away. Not sure what he meant by that but am sure he will help me process the issues that affect me most right now :)

    I would highly recommend it to anyone, if you are in the uk, it's a bit of a lottery the kind of care you will get but your first stop should be with MIND if you are in Wales or England (for some reason they don't operate in Scotland unfortunately) and then your GP who can refer you onwards.
  9. tintin

    tintin Guest

    Hi hun,
    I'm sorry to hear about your loss.
    I lost my mum too six years ago February.
    Pm me if you ever need to talk.
  10. ilovewoodchuck

    ilovewoodchuck Active Member

    I'm in the US, and our healthcare sucks. I do already have a therapist and psychiatrist. need one for my daughter. Walking into her garage and seeing her hanging by a meticulously folded sheet is heart wrenching to me, but what is this doing to her?
  11. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    There are no words. I am so, very sorry.
  12. ilovewoodchuck

    ilovewoodchuck Active Member

    We made final arrangements today. I am so lucky to have constantly by my side my husband (who is not afraid to cry), my cousins from my mom's side and my cousin from my dad's. The later dropped everything to be here for my from Tuesday evening through the weekend. She drove 3.5 hours to get here, and she has a family of her own, who will be here later in the week. As I told my friend earlier, I do suffer from depression myself. I came very close to a successful attempt when I was 20. I remember the cold dark place my mind was, and how I yearned to free myself, and everyone around me from the burden of tolerating me. I wish my mom got psychiatric help when I begged months ago. In hindsight, I can see clues along the path of my mother's crumbling spirit. I thought she was getting better. Regardless of any religious doctrine, I know my mother had to be suffering tremendous psychological turmoil to resort to such an extreme.

    I know she suffers no more.
  13. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for your loss, and for what your daughter had to see. :hug: Am around if ever you need to talk.
  14. ilovewoodchuck

    ilovewoodchuck Active Member

    Thank you so much for your warmth. Each day is getting easier, and only over the course of a long period of time will I be at peace with not only my mom's death, but the manner in which she took her life. I am so thankful for all the support I am getting from my family & friends here in person, but also to all of you who have posted & PMd me your helpful thoughts and expressions.
  15. Robin

    Robin Guest

    :grouphug: :)
  16. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    So sorry to hear of your loss and that you and your daughter had to find her that way. My heart goes out to you both.:sad:
  17. ilovewoodchuck

    ilovewoodchuck Active Member

    It really touches the depths of my soul that each of you, though you've never met me, empathize my pain and offer support to me, a stranger. The suicide of my mother isolates me from most people here for me. Many of them have lost a loved one to death, but it is very difficult for them to know how to what to say about her suicide. Thank you to each one of you
  18. My heart goes out to you Ilovewoodchuck. But there's likely little that was in your power to do to stop this if your mom was determined. That's a peculiar thing to have to accept in this life. And we remain full of questions, but the bottom line is that we do not and cannot live in someone else's skin, nor their mind, let alone their soul...It struck me that you said it was done "meticulously". It was not haphazard or spur-of-the-moment. She must have been suffering for some time then... :sad:

    Wish her peace.

    As for the images of death we encounter, seared into our psyches when it is a loved one, it seems very surreal - since we're bombarded with violent and gruesome imagery all around us in the media, but have somehow become immune. Countered ironically with the fact that "death" is something we shelter ourselves from the notion of, unless it happens "to someone else".

    How your daughter will be affected, I do not know. However, children are far more resilient that we often think! Surely her comprehension may be baffled for a time - but we interrpret our memories differently throughout our lives. Maybe a school counsellor (if she's in school yet - even pre-school) could recommend some helpful avenues. The bottom line is to come to terms with being honest with her, even though you yourself are presently baffled and in shock as an adult. Do not shun conversation....
    I have found in my own life that "things swept under the rug" merely make for a lumpy rug. Something that will only continue to make us trip on.

    I found my own dad in the basement after he'd suicided 9 years ago. I was the one that checked for a pulse. You don't soon forget that particular feeling of coldness. But I also knew it was just his body - and while his spirit had been bitter all his life - it was a strange 'relief' to say quielty, "Well, God's got ya now"...

    Don't rush your healing -- and keep writing here...

    Last edited: Nov 7, 2008
  19. ilovewoodchuck

    ilovewoodchuck Active Member

    Since the funeral is now over, my first priorities are to settle the estate and to find a children's grief counselor that my insurance will cover. Because my daughter saw a very gruesome scene, it doesn't matter to me that she seems happy now. I want to make sure all of her issues with her grandmother are addressed now and deal with them now before they have an adverse effect later in life.
  20. ilovewoodchuck

    ilovewoodchuck Active Member

    sorry. i kind of messed up the quote & reply. please let me know if any of that is unclear