I want my mom back! **Trigger**

#21
Hey, I'm sorry to hear about your loss. My mum died in a planecrash when I was 9 (11 years ago) and I always think that I have never ever done anything pleasant for her, I felt that I have never repaid her kindness and care for me as her son.

But she's my mother, no matter what I do, nothing I do would be enough to repay her love for me. I think there is an Indonesian proverb that says that mothers' love is as great as the number of the sand in the world.

Mothers, I'm sure they would have been happy for their children just to be her children. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's never your fault she commited suicide.
 

wunderwood

Well-Known Member
#22
ilovewoodchuck,
I am so sorry about everything that has happened. I wanted to wish you and your family well in this difficult time.

I lost a friend not too long ago to suicide. It isn't something you can understand even when you feel the same way yourself. A long time ago, a friend told me (regarding death) that god must have needed them more than I did on earth. I'm nowhere near religious or even spiritual, but that has always set well with me. Somewhere in the great unknown, someone needed your mom to be with them.

hugs to you.
 
#23
Thanks stevtomato & wunderwood. I am at the point where for the most part I don't blame myself anymore. Of course, there are still moments that I burst into tears and blame myself, but those are getting fewer & farther between.

As far as the religious aspect is concerned, I personally am not. My mother was, and so are alot of my family. So when I explain the truth about her death (most people hear that I'm not ready to talk about it), I will tell them I felt God saw how much pain she was in, and called her to heaven in this way. It's the best way to convey that notion (I feel) to these people.
 
F

FoundAndLost1

#24
Another strange and bizarre twist in life, no? When we are the ones suffering a loss, that however come to comfort who those around us - the voyeurs - who can't come to terms with it themselves.... Nuf said...

{{hugs}}
G
 
#25
I am sorry to hear about your loss, finding your mum like that must have been a terrible shock. I lost my step-mum a few years ago and she was like a real mum to me and to this day I miss her terribly and often think back wishing I could change things and help more in preventing her death. The whatifs are what tears us apart and really they don't solve anything. All they do is make us hurt more when in all actuality our loved ones wouldn't want that to happen at all.

My step-mum died an awful death and for a while after whenever I thought back about her I could only see her in the state she was in in the leadup and her death itself. I couldn't get passed them images and I cried myself to sleep every single night.

This is all so fresh in your mind, I didn't lose my step-mum to suicide, but I hope as time goes on your pain will lessen and you will remember your mum for who she was and not what you saw. I hope the counsellor will help your daughter it must have been really traumatic for her but remember if you find it difficult perhaps it would be a good idea for you to seek counselling also.

Take care of yourself. :hug:
 
#26
Well, isn't that the way life works? When we were born, we were the crying ones and the other people are smiling. When we die, we should be the one who's smiling and others crying. Sadly, sometimes that does not happen, sometimes both the dead and the others cry. Tragedy of life...

Well, she passed away, that can't be changed anymore. I guess, it's you who can change your attitude. And remember, there are people around you who will want to help you carry your burdens. You can always talk to me, email me or whoever. I'm pretty sure there are also a lot of people in real life (close to you physically, not us, virtually) who would do that.

resistance - I can sympathise with you, I have a stepmother who is unlike the typical Cinderella type stepmother. She loves me like her own son, and I'm really grateful for that. She was sick with cancer and I had fears of losing another mother. She is okay now though, and again, I feel really blessed.
 
#27
Awww, thanks y'all. This forum has helped me so much. I can be absolutely cathartic without any fear of repercussion. I do have family & friends close by, but since I'm the one that is almost always the caregiver, it's hard for me to ask for help. I already have a therapist, and I made an emergency appointment with her for the day after i found my mom. She told me alot of things I wasn't ready for yet, but as days passed, her words made more sense. Particularly that most suicide victims have "tunnel vision" in that they usually are not thinking of the people they are hurting, but that they are looking for relief from their internal pain. Once I got past my own grief, and began accepting her pain and subsequent relief, I began to feel peace.
I'm not saying I'm not still sad. Of course I am, and will be for a long time. But knowing my mom is happy sets me in the right direction
 

Petal

~*Mod Extraordinaire*~
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#28
Hello,

I am so sorry for your loss..You must be feeling terrible/sad/angry/guilty...Please get some counseling to help you through this difficult time. I am here if you need to talk, my PM box is alwaysopen :hug:
 
#29
This is the part that is getting difficult. The reality that my mother is gone is sinking in. The fact that I can't just call my mother & ask her to watch my little girl while my husband & I go out. The fact that I can't call her and get mad about her not answering the phone.
 
#30
Hi, I'm really sorry I can't do anything for you. But you could always talk to me! =D

Isn't there anyone you could call? Maybe a close family friend? Or another person in your family?
 
#31
There are people I can call; it's just hard for me becaause i'm used to being the one people call in their time of need. Now that I'm the one needing, i find myself isolated, even though a part of me knows it doesn't have to be that way.
 
F

FoundAndLost1

#32
There are people I can call; it's just hard for me becaause i'm used to being the one people call in their time of need. Now that I'm the one needing, i find myself isolated, even though a part of me knows it doesn't have to be that way.
Baby, that "hardest" part IS the hardest part. I know how you feel. You were the rock for others - and often people feel that if THEIR rock is crumbling, then they can't possibly count on anything, let alone lend support - tho there are exceptions. I know you were gonna get support for your daughter. I kindly suggest you get some for yourself...Even Funeral Homes now offer one-on-one services for the bereaved. I know you "made your peace", but it doesn't happen in one shot. And you simply cannot be all things to all people. You need NOW - I know it seems like a disappointment - but seek what YOU need from whatever sources you can get. Human nature can be awfully fickle when we rely on "saviors". Seek what YOU need.

:arms:
 
#33
I know you were gonna get support for your daughter. I kindly suggest you get some for yourself
I have a therapist. I need to make an appointment with her; you're right. I last spoke with her the day after my mother's discovery. The peace I made with my mom is separate from the anguish I feel now. Rather than trying to focus blame on who could've done what, I'm grieving in the fact that I can't just pick up the phone and call her anymore. I can't just ask her if she wants her granddaughter for the weekend (which was always a resounding yes). I'll never be able to cry on her shoulder again. We'll never argue again. My father died when I was 16, so now I have no parents left. I know it's cliche, but this is how I feel; it's not fair!
 

sudut

Well-Known Member
#35
I am very sorry to hear. Please do not at any point come to believe this was your fault. Getting your daughter and yourself ready was not selfish. you couldn't predict the future.
 
#36
I am very sorry to hear. Please do not at any point come to believe this was your fault. Getting your daughter and yourself ready was not selfish. you couldn't predict the future.
My doc says as long as i'm not in danger of harming myself or others, i don't need to go. she refered me to grief counseling
 
#38
Though I feel like crap all of the time, my grief counselor says I am doing well considering the severity of my loss and the amount of time that has passed. I wish I felt I am doing well. I am always tired, sleeping at every possible moment, and only get out of the house to do things when I absolutely have to. I feel ghoulish going through my mother's personal things. I hate having to go through her estate, but I am an only child, so I have no help.
 

crookxshanks

Well-Known Member
#39
i wish i had the words to make you feel better. i am so sorry for your loss. it was horrible for me going through everything that was my nans life not long ago but it was also good to see everything that was part of her life and all the memories that she cherished. you need to hold onto all the good memories that you had with your mother because they will help you
 
#40
you need to hold onto all the good memories that you had with your mother because they will help you
It is going to be a long time before I get to the point where I can appreciate the good times. All I feel now is the guilt that I didn't save her or that I didn't know how deeply depressed she really was. I considered myself close to her, but apparently not close enough.
 

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