I want out

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by TIMU, Nov 3, 2013.

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  1. TIMU

    TIMU Member

    It's 11 pm here, being a student, I should be sleeping now, but i cant.
    Life as a Chinese student is full of pressure, half day of school, study hard to make your parents satisfied with your grade, but it's even mire harder when you have good grade and you have to keep it.
    My ex-classmates just moved to Australia, for me, I really envy him.
    I don't wanna let others control my life, this is not their life!
    But unfortunately, I cant do anything to change it.
    It seems like that it's my destiny, I have to stand this environment until I'm graduateed from university, then I can choose to move to another country.
    I done have friends in real life(which it is one of the reason that I joined thus site), but it's pretty irony that i also cant stand an environment that is too silent.
    I want independence but not alone.
    My only two support are this site and another one gaming site, this makes me hard to survive in this high pressure environment.
    I have tried to suicide for almost twenty times, sometimes I even have the thought to suicide for more than three times a day.
    Perhaps one of the reason why that i cant stand high pressure environment is because of my family.I lost my dad when I was nine months old, and my mom is not living with me because she have to work for my family.
    My grandparents grew me up, but they also gave me tons of pressure.
    They wants me to get a good grade(specially my grandpa), they seldom cares my feeling.
    And also my younger sister, she always shout at me, it makes me feel that I'm just her problem
    I also remember in yesterday noon, someone in the chat said that i should feel proud as being an Asian.
    It won't happen.
    For me Western life is freer than eastern life.
    I always want to live in a life that my parents wont be to picky to my grades, but it seems like that so far it's impossible.
    I hope I'm not the only one who knows this feeling here, and I also hope my life can be better, but so far it's only getting worse.
    TIMU
     
  2. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    TIMU, I am also Chinese. I'm from Hong Kong and my parents are from mainland China. I immigrated to America when I was 4 because my parents thought I would have a better education here in US. Trying to adjust to American ways were rough. I hardly spoke English when I first came here and I was teased by my classmates because of my accent and being naive of bad words or dirty words. I had hardly any friends in elementary school. I used to cry every recess because I was all alone. In junior high, I was isolated from my classmates because my parents made me wear the same clothes two days in a row before I can change them. I couldn't wear any expensive clothing and I had a curfew of 8pm and couldn't date at all. I wished I could wear uniforms everyday so I wouldn't be pressured to fit in. In high school, I still had no chance for a boyfriend and my clothes didn't fit the fashion that all my classmates wore. I was in the high school marching band but couldn't play at school games because of my curfew. I couldn't go to any parties and go to a prom. I was never a straigt A student, but I was above average, at least. All my friends were straight A students and received scholarships to different colleges while I was struggling to keep my grades up because I was dealing with severe depression and mental illness. I just graduated 2 yrs. ago from the University of Phoenix with a Bachelor's Degree in Business. I tried to pursue a master's degree in healthcare management but my psychiatrist talked me into dropping out and that's what I did. I regret that because I had a goal everyday and was too busy to be depressed. Now I go to group therapy everyday to learn how to cope with my depression instead of being productive in school. I live independently now, but my mom still puts a lot of pressure on me about how I live my life. I want to please my mom so much but I always disappoint her one reason after another. My father don't believe in psychiatry and my mom don't believe in taking medicine. It's hard living in America, but there are pros and cons to every living situation one has to deal with in their own country.
     
  3. TIMU

    TIMU Member

    It's true that every place have its pros and cons, but so far i only see the cons if my living place.
    I hate how the world wants me to think positive, it's torture for me.
    I also hate how my parents do to me. They only want good grades.
    In this environment, I don't think I can live happily.
     
  4. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    TIMU, I know the feeling of how parents stress the importance of academic success. Many students get stressed out because of the harsh demands and become depressed and hopeless that life won't get any better than just living for the wishes of the parents. However, you won't be in school for the rest of your life and you need to look forward to plans in the future that will bring you joy and some hope that you will graduate and live your own life. Keep in touch!
     
  5. TIMU

    TIMU Member

    Yeah, just wait until I graduated from university.
    But that'll be about 8 years.
    The next year and 2017 will be the two painful years in this 8 years.
    I have to prepare for the exam that can decide my future, I don't think my parents will allow me to use computer or my tablet.
    Without you guys' help, I can't express my thoughts
     
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