I want out.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by JustAnotherNumber, Jul 19, 2014.

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  1. JustAnotherNumber

    JustAnotherNumber New Member

    My life is shit, I feel broken, I feel like I've had everything I wanted and I lost it now I have nothing else to live for. I was sexually abused as a kid and nobody has any clear answers, but it doesn't matter because nobody would understand me anyways. Even if they did it doesn't change anything. I'm ashamed for falling in love with my abuser. That's the short story.

    I want to die. I want out. I'm an intelligent individual, I've heard about everything I can hear. What I would need is action, I'm too afraid to do that and nobody's acting towards me, they just talk at me. Some things words don't convey. Love isn't something you describe with words. I attempted suicide twice in that past month, been in the hospital for 25 days. I saw how everyone reacted. That action, cannot be explained by words from the viewpoint of my parents for example. Words are not enough to get me through. But only two people (my parents) even knew I attempted the first time for weeks, and still only a few people know, if I were to die, this would be the best time to do it, when the damage is minimal.

    <Mod Edit, WildCherry.> I was blackout drunk and I wish I wasn't drinking because if I hadn't have been I wouldn't have fucked it up. Some people think I don't want to die, that's probably a bad assumption if they want me alive. At the very least I'm playing Russian roulette without caring if I lose. My main fear is dying alone. I wish I had a terminal illness (well depression you all know what society has to say about that). That way I could have my loved ones around me when I die. Instead I'm forced to do it when they least expect it.

    I love my parents too much to kill their son, I need proof I can recovery, but I guess I'll never have that.

    On an intellectual level, I've thought about this immensely, I don't know how to talk about some of my beliefs cause simply put other people are too close minded or just plain stupid. I have many many theories of a sort of after life so really I'm not afraid of dying. To me dying is like waking up from a nightmare. Given one of my beliefs is in Quantum Immortality, I don't really believe I can die though. I don't know if my suicide attempts failed because of that and I don't know how many more times I'd have to attempt suicide before I was certain of anything. So IF that's the case, I guess I would be forced to live.

    I guess if anyone can give me information on different types of therapy other than CBT, that'd be worth a shot at saving me. However I've lost hope since I've seen many different psychologists, psychiatris, and support groups and none of the have quelled my thoughts of suicide. My diagnosis list is as follows:

    -Social Anxiety
    -Major Depressive Disorder

    I've also taken many different medications and have been trying new ones, if you really believe in a specific medication, I guess it's worth a shot at informing me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 19, 2014
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi JustAnotherNumber,

    Welcome to the forum. Totally understand where you coming from. Cannot see the point of living. There is a point in living as it's your right to live. Bad situations happen but at the end of the day is it worth giving up your life. The two attempts have no doubt taken there toll on your health but you have to take small steps on the road to recovery. The initial months are going to mentally and physically tough but just take each day as it comes.

    You have the support of your parents who dearly love you and will give you support on your recovery. Yes, when people find out about your attempts they will judge you but do not be ashamed of anything. You were crying out for help and you will get it but it's going to take time to recover.

    Yes, you will see head shrinks and take medication but you have to be honest with yourself first. Perhaps appreciate the simple thinks in life first and then deal with life on a day by day basis. Perhaps taking something up relaxing like tai-chi or yoga will help you.

    You are NOT just another number but a person who has feelings and needs great support at this time. You just need to keep posting here when you are down and have doubts about life. On this forum you will get support and care as you require. Just keep posting and most of all take care. Just remember it's ok to cry as it will help in current struggle.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 19, 2014
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Dialectical behavior therapy or DBT therapy is very good therapy
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