My life is shit, I feel broken, I feel like I've had everything I wanted and I lost it now I have nothing else to live for. I was sexually abused as a kid and nobody has any clear answers, but it doesn't matter because nobody would understand me anyways. Even if they did it doesn't change anything. I'm ashamed for falling in love with my abuser. That's the short story. I want to die. I want out. I'm an intelligent individual, I've heard about everything I can hear. What I would need is action, I'm too afraid to do that and nobody's acting towards me, they just talk at me. Some things words don't convey. Love isn't something you describe with words. I attempted suicide twice in that past month, been in the hospital for 25 days. I saw how everyone reacted. That action, cannot be explained by words from the viewpoint of my parents for example. Words are not enough to get me through. But only two people (my parents) even knew I attempted the first time for weeks, and still only a few people know, if I were to die, this would be the best time to do it, when the damage is minimal. <Mod Edit, WildCherry.> I was blackout drunk and I wish I wasn't drinking because if I hadn't have been I wouldn't have fucked it up. Some people think I don't want to die, that's probably a bad assumption if they want me alive. At the very least I'm playing Russian roulette without caring if I lose. My main fear is dying alone. I wish I had a terminal illness (well depression you all know what society has to say about that). That way I could have my loved ones around me when I die. Instead I'm forced to do it when they least expect it. I love my parents too much to kill their son, I need proof I can recovery, but I guess I'll never have that. On an intellectual level, I've thought about this immensely, I don't know how to talk about some of my beliefs cause simply put other people are too close minded or just plain stupid. I have many many theories of a sort of after life so really I'm not afraid of dying. To me dying is like waking up from a nightmare. Given one of my beliefs is in Quantum Immortality, I don't really believe I can die though. I don't know if my suicide attempts failed because of that and I don't know how many more times I'd have to attempt suicide before I was certain of anything. So IF that's the case, I guess I would be forced to live. I guess if anyone can give me information on different types of therapy other than CBT, that'd be worth a shot at saving me. However I've lost hope since I've seen many different psychologists, psychiatris, and support groups and none of the have quelled my thoughts of suicide. My diagnosis list is as follows: -OCD -ADHD -PTSD -Social Anxiety -Agoraphobia -Major Depressive Disorder I've also taken many different medications and have been trying new ones, if you really believe in a specific medication, I guess it's worth a shot at informing me.