I want permission to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by liveinhope, Jun 14, 2007.

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  1. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    It sound so silly i guess but im so tired of seeing drs and councellors and them all striving to help, when deep down those bleak awful thoughts are still there Im all for people living when they have a future but i almost want somebody to say its ok you can go, no more tablets or health care intervention just some understanding thast i wish to leave.
    Im at the end of my tether today i dont know what to do
  2. Cybrsk8r

    Cybrsk8r Well-Known Member


    Everyone here understands your desire to leave. :unsure: We all share that desire. As far as when it's time to go, no one else can answer that question. Only you can answer it.

    I saw in your other post that you think you're not a good partner or Mom. I doubt that. I think a parent always feels they didn't do as good a job as they actually did. I think if you asked your kids whether you were/are a good Mom, they'll tell you you're the only Mom they would ever want. Please stay safe. We're here for you.

    :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 14, 2007
  3. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    Hi Georgia

    I guess I'm laving a run of good days at the moment, for forgive me if you have heard all this before and it's not what you really want to hear


    Being an Ex-suisidal, feels a bit like being an ex-smoker, something I have also been in the past, but I started again 12 years later, DOH.

    I dont have all they answers, in fact no one ever will have, why do I feel like this, what have I done wrong, why is everyone better than me, why I am fat, why am I useless, why am I weak, why am I .......... the list could go on for ever, if you could just answer those type questions, then you would be happy ???

    Well guess what, I'm afraid that just isn't the case, I spent a long long time, looking for answers, but the tricky part, and for me, the thing that led to me getting better, was learning to ask myself the right questions, this might sound a bit bit mad, but also having the courage to put everthing is the past behind me, and answer those questions honestly, with out all the bullshit that tends to gather in your mind, that you tell yourself of the years.

    Am I a good person ? No becauses..... bullshit.

    Honest answer, despite everything that has gone on it the past, deep down on a basic level, I have always tried to be a better person, yes.

    Am I better or worse than anyone else ? No because....... more bullshit.

    Honest answer, Take a look at the world, there are folks that have everything and are still fucked up, there are folks that have nothing, but have wonderfull lives, as for me, I'm not really that different from anyone else, I'm not that special, not that unique, even though I might want to be, I'm just an average bloke, so no i'm no different at all than every one else.

    Will I ever be happy ? Ne because.....even more bullshit.

    Honest answer, possibly, possibly not, but that choice is mine to make, if I put as much effort into trying to feel happy as I have in to feeling sad, then I should be a very happy bunny for a long time, so the answer is yes.

    This will sound strange, but why do you need permission ?

    Will that make it ok, will it make you feel happier, knowing its ok to end your own life, has any thing any one else has said or done in the past made you feel any better about yourself or made any real difference in the long term ?

    In my case it didn't, they where just words, stuff that people like "them" would say, after all "they" have it easy, "they" are normal, so I carried on doing what I was doing, feeling what I was feeling, nothing changed.

    The fact you want permission, kinda reminds me alot of what I used to feel like, I have not control over my life, or the things that happen in it, I'm stuck feeling like this for ever and there is nothing I can do about, so I'll just bob along, hoping for the best, but I know nothing will ever change really, so what the point ?

    The truth and it a pretty hard truth at my age (40) is I built up all these walls, barriers and bullshit, when I was a young man, to keep me safe, safe from the world, safe from the "others", safe from getting hurt, physicaly, emontionly and spiritualy if you like, it was a safe place, confortable, predictable, dependable, nothing every changed, it was the same routine, day in, day out................... I can think of another place where life is like that all the time ? .............. it's called prison !

    It wasn't all my own doing, other people helped me build the walls, put bars on the windows, changed the locks, blacked out the lights, turned off the heating, but this cell, my cell, my prison, my sentance if you like, was basicaly self imposed, I am the one that kept me there in that place in my life, I'm the one that kept the cell door shut, even though the lock had long since brocken, I'm the one that curled up on the bunk each night, even though the guards had all long since retired, I am the one that could really have left at any time, but it some ways it was so much easyer just to stay there.

    Do you need permission to leave, no, is your life prefined, no, have you still got choices, yes, can things be better, yes, will things change ???

    For me, the answer to that one, was so simple, but really really hard and scarey to do, one of the hardest things I have done in my life, but yes things can change, but only if "I" want them to change and "I" make them change.

    Sorry that turned out to be such a huge post and a bit of a lecture, but you can make it through this, and dont let anyone else tell you any different !

    I made it out of my cell, believe me, you can too

  4. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    Thank you i feel so guilty for want it all to go away it just makes it all worse i love my boys they have always been my life but they deserve to be happy and to have a future without a mum that is depressed and who does not seem to be able to crawl out of that black whole
    I appreciate your response
  5. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    Thank you Paul

    It sound as if you felt the way im feeling im sure you still do at times, you are a brave man to have done so well i dont feel i have the strength and i has lost the will, like you im an "oldy"!! at the age of 44 i feel ive strived long and hard will lots of c....p to deal with along the way i need some peace a rest from it all, my head feels like it is going to explode but i cant always explain why, its so much all mixed together
  6. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend


    That is exactly how I felt, for a long time, things just kept on wearing me down, it wasn't that long ago even, I was just so tired of it all.


    You don't always have to feel that way

    You won't always feel that way

    Things can get better

    Sometimes just putting down how you really feel can help, there are things on this board, about me, about how I felt, about my past, that I have never ever shared with anyone, really really private things but just letting it out, helped, it helped my come to terms with who I am.

    Guess what, it turns out I'm not that bad after all.

    But the hard part was working that out for myself, allowing myself to feel good about who I am, despite all my faults, weakness and imperfections.

    It's how you feel about yourself that counts, that makes the difference, no one is perfect, it can be really scarey, but its ok to be you, do what you want to do in life, put yourself first sometimes.

    It a cliche, but tomorrow really can be a whole new day, if you want it to be.

    Like I have said before on here, "if nothing changes, then nothing will change"

    You can do it, I did it, don't know how long it will last and right now I really dont care, for the first time in a long time, I'm happy, if it can happen now, even if it all goes wrong, it can happen again.

    I can live with that !!!!

  7. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    who knows today is not good but i may get to see tomorrow having talked on here, lets see thank you for your support
  8. ari

    ari Staff Alumni

    I am now hanging on to your tether and I know others are too...we are not going to let go.....I am so glad that we got to talk yesterday...I hope to hear from you later..take care and be safe
    (p.s.......you know you need to hear some more wild child stories :) )
  9. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hun there are so many better tomorrows out there for you. You are just so tired and overwhelmed. And when you are that point, nothing ever looks like it can be changed. But you have me and I care enough to want to help you find those tomorrows. Please be strong for a little longer. Dont give up because I'm not about to give up on you. Please rest and let me and others be your strength for a little while. Then when you're ready I'm there to help you along the new path you will need to travel. You aren't alone sweetie. Never.
  10. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Children make it hard when you want out. My two kids and my wife are the main reason I'm still here. I attempted several times, and want to every day, but I'm in a safer place now mentally - out of the hole. Staying out is a one day at a time process. My family can relax a bit. It's been two years since my last attempt. I've had days like yours during that time. A good therapist, a loving God, meds, and external motivators have made living possible.

    I know that a lot of the encouraging words become trite and meaningless when you're in a really dark place, but the words are said out of our care for each other.

    Focus on Now. The past can't be changed and the future isn't yet reality. All we really have is now. I've found that it's easier to live in the moment rather than a moment buried by past hurts and future uncertainty.

  11. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    You dont need a permission to die. Its your decision. I accept your decision, but ONLY if you are SURE there is no way out. Are you SURE?
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