I want revenge

Discussion in 'Domestic Abuse' started by Nick_K, May 9, 2011.

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  1. Nick_K

    Nick_K Well-Known Member

    First off I wish I found this forum years ago. I had no idea I'm not alone in this. I've been diagnosed with PTSD as a result of domestic violence in my childhood. I feel like I've gotten over it, except for the grudge that I still carry against the man who beat me. Has anyone on this board ever taken violent revenge against an abuser, and did it help?

    Emotionally I think that it would be immensely satisfying to beat the crap out of this man. Not kill him, but to show that kids become adults and if you abuse kids, you get to deal with what they grow up to become. I also hope/wish that doing so would resolve the lack of self esteem that has followed me well beyond the nightmares and flashbacks. Yet obviously because this is an emotional issue for me I have no idea if I'm thinking clearly or jumping to the conclusion that justifies my impulses. I want revenge but have doubts that the solution to violence should be more violence.
  2. Lilly

    Lilly Well-Known Member

    I find with pretty much anythng...in the end...revenge doesnt feel as good as you think it will......
    But i get what you mean at the same time i think....
  3. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    I am glad you found this place, but I am sorry you need such a place. I hope that collectively we can help you cope with your PTSD. I understand the feeling of revenge, but like the other member stated. It will not be as fulfilling as you hope it would.

    I am so sorry you were treated the way you were treated. I pray that you find peace.
  4. Nick_K

    Nick_K Well-Known Member

    Hmm, so revenge seems to be an illusion. What can I do to drop a grudge then? Tried forgiveness but I feel like I can forgive and still want to punch someone.
  5. bonobo:)

    bonobo:) Member

    anger at your abuser is a healthy part of healing, it needs to be let out, maybe in healthy ways eg hitting pillows/punch bags, writing letters to them without sending them/shouting what u want to say...or anything that helps you let it out. I was also abused and enjoy going to the golf range, smacking the balls imagining them to be the heads of people who've treated me so wrong, feels good ;) I hope they get hit by a bus/die a painful death but wouldn't hurt them directly myself as they're the bad people, not me and I'm not going to tarnish myself with their evilness!
  6. jasonkramer

    jasonkramer Well-Known Member

    hating this guy and besting him to a bloody pulp will only satisfy your desire for revenge. nothing else. YOU have to correct the other stuff.

    if you continue to have to deal with this person then revenge may actually be the best idea. unlike most people i wont tell you violence is always wrong. some times it is right BUT you must be willing to accept the consequences i.e prison. if given the chance there are easily 5 people who i would kill and either commit suicide after or go to prison for.

    if you dont have to deal with this person i would say just do your best to ignore and forget him. if forgiveness works for you then great. if your more like me then it wont and in my experience its better just to move on and try to distance your self from things that remind you of the trauma.

    trust me holding hate in your self will not let you progress mentally and emotionally. in order to progress you have to experience a full range of emotion and i advise finding things that allow you to feel happy. i am sure you already know the emotions mad, sad and scared.
  7. NoMoneyToPlease

    NoMoneyToPlease Banned Member

    Let it go.

    Taking revenge does not bring the kind of satisfaction that comes from closure.

    free up your emotions for people you will meet in the future,do not keep tying yourself up in knots over what happened to you in the past.

    I know what you've been through and you don't need to act like a monk or some priest who forgives without effort,it will be tough and very emotionally trying to get to a good place but you have to do it.For your own sake.

    I have just been reading about mean characters like the man you described,he will write off anything you do him,willfully erase the experience from his mind.It would be an act of futility to try and teach such a person a lesson.

    Work on some plans for yourself,good positive ones,do not waste your precious time and your valuable self making plans for the unworthy. :)
  8. Lady E

    Lady E Well-Known Member

    Violence obviously hasn't done anything for you in the past so why should it now? As bonobo said the anger and the rage is a healthy part of healing you just need to learn how to cope with it and process it into something healthy.
    Your instincts that beating the man to a bloody pulp won't make you feel any better. It's not empowering and it usually is a huge let down. All the horrible memories and what that person has inflicted on you is still there waiting for you.
    Truly the best revenge is living well. Focus on your recovery and building self esteem. It will serve you much better in the long run.
  9. Nick_K

    Nick_K Well-Known Member

    Yep that's pretty much the plan. Hopefully something like that would make the news and put people like him on notice that kids come back as adults so watch what you do to them, but I am doubtful it would even make the news. If I went to prison I'd have to fight for respect there but going in it would be my plan to off myself behind bars or entice someone else to kill me. Not too hard to make enemies in a violent offender population.

    The whole point is that if I've decided to end it then I will take care of this thing before I do go and try to make as much of a mess of it as possible since this is why I have so low respect for myself that I want to destroy myself.

    However that is pretty much the worst case scenario. I'm trying to get better so I don't feel like I have to do it. Right now I'm very frustrated with the attempt to get better though. Starting to realize even the professionals don't have any answers.
  10. SuperMoon

    SuperMoon Active Member

    Have you ever worked in the Domestic Violence field?
    Or volunteered?

    I know that channeling that energy into something positive like being a victim advocate, speaker, volunteer, or somehow involved in the Domestic Violence field can alter those feelings.
    I guess I would only suggest that if you feel like it wouldn't trigger you and send you further down of a downward spiral...
    I know that having people working/volunteering in the field who have personal experience can provide a valuable service because victims will feel more safe and more trusting. You understand them on a deeper level. A level you can't always obtain just because you have the credentials in the field.

    Anger eventually became a gift for me because it was a motivating fuel to accomplish positive things in my life. Hopefully, like others have suggested, you can make it positive for you.

    I understand about revenge, though. Not necessarily to those who abused me but abusers and violent offenders in general. My friends and I would joke and talk about being assassins, killing off pedophiles, rapists, and abusers.
    And, this was before the show Dexter came out (!), haha.

    Hope talking about it on here helps.
  11. mulberrypie

    mulberrypie Well-Known Member

    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 28, 2011
  12. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Violence against another is not a good solution. Look at what it does to people...instigates a desire for more violence.

    That doesn't mean I don't understand your feeling of wanting revenge. It's the form of that revenge. Life does seem to have a knack for coming around and smacking those who hurt us...It's just not our doing and it may not be immediate.

    Anytime I've "retaliated" towards someone (in words only), I have felt badly. Initially, it might have felt "good", but not for long. I soon felt dreadful. I cannot imagine that making it physical would be better - probably worse.
  13. foolnomore

    foolnomore Well-Known Member

    The best revenge you can have is to live a good life and make something of yourself. That shows them whatever they did yo you did not weaken you,did not break you . Show them you are worth so much more than the life they gave you. Become a success at whatever you choose to do .If married life is for you then have a wonderful partnership and family. Bullies hate to see their victims rise above the hate and succeed.
  14. Nick_K

    Nick_K Well-Known Member

    Overall that is what I am trying to do. It still feels shameful though, like I failed to protect my family in the absence of my father. The part that burns me is that I was big enough by the time I was 15 to fight back, but I was used to the beatings by then and just took it.

    My macho mind is telling me that if I go back and beat the crap out of him I would restore my honor in some sense, and maybe the flashbacks would lose intensity after proving to myself he cannot hurt me anymore. Sort of like a vehicle for unlearning learned helplessness.

    OTOH the consequences would not be good for my career. A felony conviction tends to limit one's earning potential and I don't doubt that he would press charges. In this light I would have to be very confident that sacrificing my own future would be worth it to deliver his comeuppance, and I'm unconvinced that it is. That said, if I'm going to kill myself anyway, then why not tie up loose ends on the way out?
  15. Nick_K

    Nick_K Well-Known Member

    After a couple months I think I have worked through this somewhat. Where I'm currently at to return "an eye for an eye" would be misguided as it would have effects on myself reaching into the future. I've never been a violent person. Vengefully beating the sh-t out of someone just because they did it to my childhood self wouldn't solve anything. It would also change something about my character in opening a door that I have never gone through. Nursing this grudge is only making me a bitter person which pushes others away who could have been good friends. That's not a good price to pay.

    My personal revenge is knowing that he will suffer the consequences of his own actions and because of the way he treats people I am sure he will get his when he crosses the path of someone with less moral scruples than I've got. In other words, it's not my job to worry about delivering justice to him. What goes around comes around whether I have anything to do with it or not.

    Still would like to punch him in the face, and if he dares come around while I'm in the vicinity that would certainly happen. Nonetheless I'm not going to drive across state lines to break his arms and legs with a crowbar.
  16. ExtraSoap

    ExtraSoap Well-Known Member

    As bad as this sounds, I'm all for it. Don't get arrested.
  17. angellee

    angellee New Member

    Nick K send me an email or contact me on Yahoo messanger I will try and help you! If you would like!
  18. anonymousihs

    anonymousihs Active Member

    I was emotionally and verbally abused all my life too. Still am. If I were a guy or if I had the courage, I would take my revenge too. I just don't know if I can. I still love him. Hate him for what he did/does, but he's still family.
  19. Butterfly

    Butterfly Resident SF Sims Enthusiast Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I always found that seeking revenge just makes you stoop down to the abusers level. Bitterness does not get you anywhere.
  20. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Bundles not sure if you just removed the body text of this thread but :hug: for you & an extra one for good measure :hug:
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