I want the pain to end

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by searching for hope, Jan 26, 2008.

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  1. Every day is painful and it only looks like it's going to get more painful. I live alone and I feel so like I'm on my own. The main thing that stops me from ending my life is the effect it would have on my daughter. I would be transferring my pain to her.

    My life is a financial mess and I'm not getting out of it soon. I used to be preoccupied with money and, since I'm not working, I'm obsessed with it. I have trouble spending money for food. I was at the grocery store the other day and my appetite shut down. I didn't want to buy anything. I had to force myself to pick out something to eat because I had nothing at home.

    I've got to send out a check today to continue the health insurance for myself and my daughter and it terrifies me. Ultimately, I feel like I'm never getting another job and every dollar I spend brings me that much closer to homelessness. I feel so worthless. I feel like everyone would be better off if I killed myself and left them the money I do have.
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi searching for hope. Don't lose hope in yourself. Just keep on looking for a job and you should find one soon. You're not worthless. You're just going through a difficult time right now. Plus your daughter really needs you. If you leave her, then who knows what will happen to her? Hang in there hun. :hug:
  3. Thanks, Dave. I'm having trouble feeling the hope. It's getting harder and harder to take care of myself. I wish I had someone to lean on but then I think I don't deserve anyone else's support because I created this mess myself. For almost 50 years, I've been a Peter Pan, taking as little responsibility as I could, running away from it, not planning for the future. Now I'm having to face the music and I don't think I have the strength to get through this.
  4. tesseract

    tesseract Well-Known Member

    Ouch, finances can often get out of hand..

    Everyone deserves a helping hand. Don't worry. We all make mistakes.

    50 Years? And your still alone? God that must hurt.

    Well anyway, you need to keep going, to get a decent job.

    "I feel like everyone would be better off if I killed myself and left them the money I do have." Its not just about the money. I doubt your daughter could do much without you (How is she, btw?). Or at least she wouldnt want that.

    Good luck on getting a job.
    Sorry I can't really help more.
  5. BlackPegasus

    BlackPegasus Well-Known Member

    I wanted to respond to your post earlier but my brain is just on overload and I have no idea what to say. I'm having financial problems right now and going through a divorce. I don't know if I will find a job that pays enough. I think I will but still waiting to hear from them. I don't have medical insurance anymore and have medical problems so it is really scary. I have no clue how to be helpful in my post except to share you aren't alone in these worries. I understand how hard it can be to spend money when you don't know if you'll have enough the next week or the week after that. I'm here to listen if you need to talk. :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 26, 2008
  6. Thanks.

    Yeah, the loneliness is worse than the financial worries. I haven't been good at relationships. 50 is tough alone.

    I hear you about wishing you could do more. I called a hotline the other day and talked for quite a while until the woman wished me good luck with my problems and hinted that we were done. I was dumbfounded. Afterwards I realized I wanted her to fix my problems, not just listen to me. Wow. I still want to be a child and have someone make this better. And part of what I would be saying with a suicide is that someone else can clean up my mess, I can't handle it.
  7. It helps to know I'm not alone. I've been feeling very alone the past couple of months.
  8. D3ath

    D3ath Well-Known Member

    I hear you :/.

    Thats what i feel like i cant get through this alone :(. I also dont want to be more of a burden on people, and drag them down :/.
  9. Yeah, exactly. I'm terrified of becoming a burden.
  10. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I can relate to your pain. I just got laid off, and I'm going to school. No one supports me. And I don't feel like looking for another job. Work is too humiliating for me.
  11. It's probably been part of my refusing to grow up but I felt work should be fun. My last job became torture with a new boss and I quit in a huff. Bad move. I'd go back in a second if I could. I now have to tell people I'd love to go work for them and their companies are amazing in the hopes that they'll hire me. Also doesn't help that I haven't been working on my skills or education much. I was out having fun. Growing up sucks.
  12. D3ath

    D3ath Well-Known Member

    I guess no matter how difficult it is we are alone. Sure we might be able to find some one to listen to our problems and give us little support; however only ourself can experience what we feel and get through this difficult time. Only way we going to get through this is if we find the strength from within ourselfs.

    All i can suggest is let your daughter be aware of how you feel and what you going through. I can't see how that can make you become a burden, after all would you view that if she came to you saying she was depressed and suacidal - i don't think you would.
  13. Good thought. Thanks. I've been trying to find ways to tell people about what I'm going through. I've only been able to tell my closest friend exactly what's going on. No one else seems receptive to it. I don't know if my ex-wife would let me tell her things like that though without shutting down communications.
  14. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    It's never gonna be easy telling someone how you feel. I've just been through this myself. I made an attempt on December 30th (clearly not a success!) and I was so ready to try again this week. But a tiny part of me... let's say 2% ... wanted to tell someone how I was feeling. The other 98% of me wanted to die and was trying hard.

    So last Tuesday I put that 2% in charge, found out who the nearest family doctor was, and marched myself over there. Never met the man before. Just sat down in his office and was honest. About the 2% vs. the 98%. About how all I thought of every second of every hour of every day was killing myself. How the only hope I had was that maybe, just maybe, my brain was lying to me, telling me that I was alone, therefore unloved. I cried, I mumbled and fidgeted, and I wouldn't look him in the eye. I was ashamed and mortified. But he just listened, then when I stopped calmly told me that I'd done the right thing. That he was glad I'd come. Would I accept any help, he asked? I told him "I don't know if I can be fixed."

    It's now 4 days later. I have more support than I ever imagined. Some meds, a psych, a community nurse who comes to see me at home every few days to help me fight this depression. And more. I live alone. I am alone (not in a relationship). But I'm not *really* alone, with these people behind me, as well as the folks here at SF who saw me safely through many long nights last week (thanks everyone!)

    It's gonna be a long haul because I still have so many things to confront, like why I hate myself so much, and why I am so unforgiving of myself.

    Your ex may not be the best person to talk to... I'm sure there's quite a history there. But you *can* ask a professional. You may be surprised at the support that is out there. I was.

    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 26, 2008
  15. D3ath

    D3ath Well-Known Member

    I totally agree with Catherine.

    Proffesional help is important if you want to over come this; proffesional help could be a life line you still going to have to want it though.
  16. I hear what you say about wanting it. Everything is so tenuous now. I feel like I've got nothing to hold on to during this storm. There seems to be so little love and warmth in my life. My daughter is 1000 miles away and my wife denies visitation even when it's court ordered. It was the combination of fighting my ex-wife and fighting my boss that got me to crack and quit my job. Only this is worse. At least there, I had some connections. My life is crap and I made it that way.
  17. D3ath

    D3ath Well-Known Member

    It's true you cant change the past but it doesnt mean you cant fix the wrongs. Have you tried getting a new job, get new work collegeues, make new friends. I know it probably doesnt sound important due to depression after all whats the point in work when you feel so misery and just wish you could end it all. It might just be the start though to beating the depression.

    I cant imagine how difficult it is being in your position, all i can suggest is try talking to your ex wife, try to persuade her its the right thing for her to do letting you see your duaghter. After all shes both of your child, and you both are equally important. Maybe just could just visit them like one day a month, spend the day with your daughter or something (god it could even be with your ex wife supervising you both).

    Of course it all sound easier then it is :/. Just hope you find the strength to carry on.
  18. Thanks D3ath. I feel so split right now. Part of me wants to end the pain. Part of me doesn't want to put my little girl through that.

    My whole problem has been low self esteem. Eight years ago, my ex-wife told me she wanted to move 1000 miles away. I foolishly said ok, we'll work something out. Later she started making visitation difficult. I shouldn't have let her move. I could have stopped her. So now I've missed most of my daughter's life. Too often I was thinking about someone else and not taking care of my needs.
  19. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    I hear ya about taking care of your own needs.

    Start with this: tell your doctor how you are feeling. How sad and angry you are, how alone you feel, how rock-bottom your self-esteem is, and often you think of death.

  20. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    hang in there hun :hug:
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