I want the pain to stop..

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by cren, Jan 25, 2016.

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  1. cren

    cren Well-Known Member

    lately.. things have been really bad.. i've been frequently doing self-harm.. and i just can't think of anything else to do to at least feel better.. i want all the feelings to stop.. i just can't deal with all the pain that people leaving me causes me.. i'd rather spend my entire life alone than subject myself to so much pain.. but most of all i don't want to feel anything at all.. i want to be numb.. i used to not really give a fuck about anything.. and i want to be that person again.. i really just want to give in to the urge to end my life.. nobody even seems to care if i die.. they don't pay attention to me when i'm alive so why the hell would they care if i die..
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi cren, I have had a bad morning myself and I am sorry you are having a bad morning too. The best advice I could give you right now is to try and get long in something such as writing or watching tv until the thoughts pass cos' they will pass. I'm sorry you are such deep pain, no one should have to suffer like this just know I care, I really do and so do many countless people on the forum because we have all been through it at one point or another. We understand *hugs*
     
  3. cren

    cren Well-Known Member

    sometimes i think that i'm really just prolonging my agony.. like i'm postponing something that's really inevitable in the end.. i don't even know why i still bother to continue living.. i know all of you in here care about me.. but there are times that it isn't enough to know that people online would mind if i die or not.. or if i hurt my self.. it just hurt more when the people you love and the people that supposed to love you just don't care enough to ask you how you feel.. it even scares me that not even a single person that i know have asked me if i'm fine.. 'cause that means that i can fake my smile that well.. and it bothers me so much that i'm that good in keeping everything bottled up in me..
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I certainly know how you feel. For instance my sister was diagnosed with cervical cancer 2 weeks ago and all of a sudden no one cares what happens to me and even mocking my condition. It's not an attention thing, more like a ''she has a real illness''. It's an invisible silent illness and people simply do not understand, Do you have anyone at all around you for support? Even 1 person? I hope you can get through the day safely and okay. I wish you all the best cren. I care what happens to you.
     
  5. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I care and here to talk if you want. I think you need to find a balance between not feeling anything (not giving a fuck) and where you are constantly hurt when people are leaving you. I know it is hard and there is not much you can do, but try to see if you can minimise the damage rather than remove the situation altogether. I have felt a lot like you in that respect, I would rather be alone than be sensitive and get hurt. It's a way out, but it's a lonely one and will change you. Who has left you recently? Can there be a way for you to understand that it's possible that people can leave you and have that expectation so you are not hurt so much when it happens. There are good people out there and you may have to go through some people first to find them and they may leave but eventually you'll find the people you want.
     
  6. cren

    cren Well-Known Member

    mental health is so taboo in my country that it's very difficult to find a therapist.. i even need to go to the other city if i want to go see one.. i don't really have anybody that is close to me that i could say knows exactly how i'm suffering now.. i accidentally told a friend but she has been ignoring me since i did not tell her the whole story.. i intentionally did not tell her about doing self-harm because i don't want her to know that i'm doing it.. and she might look differently at me if she knows i do it.. she's actually the only friend that knows most of my secrets.. but for some reasons i can't tell her this..

    it's just that people who i thought will never ever leave me always end up hurting me and leaving me.. some don't even literally leave me but more like ignore me.. for no apparent reason.. and ignoring me is even worse than actually leaving me.. sometimes i wish they could just tell me that they hate me so i at least know the reason why they don't talk to me..
     
  7. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    i dont think people hate you cren. you seem like a really nice person i dont see how they could. do they know how you feel? have you tried telling them?

    i dont know what to say for people that you think will never leave but do... its something that has hurt me a lot in the past and still haunts me. i try to accept that people move on and dont have expectations for how long people will stay. its not fair they go and especially without saying but its how it is sometimes. it doesnt hurt any less but lowering that expectation, that you never think they will leave may help you. it is worse to be ignored and have people leave that way instead of telling you. maybe they have a reason or dont know what to say or its time to move on for them, but i dont think they hate you. you shouldnt feel that way because people leave, im sorry that you do :(
     
  8. cren

    cren Well-Known Member

    i haven't actually told them how i feel about them leaving.. i'm not really good at expressing my feelings when i'm doing it face to face.. that's actually why i decided to join this forum.. to at least have a way to vent my feelings without actually talking in person.. i really thought i'm used to getting left by people.. ignored by them.. because it has happened a lot of times before.. i don't usually approach them when they start ignoring me.. not even to ask why they do it.. just because i don't know what to say.. and because i don't want to piss them off more.. i actually don't care until this friend starts ignoring me.. she used to text me everyday.. and even call me at times.. and we talk to each other a lot.. i even think i'm falling for her even though i know all she wants is for us to be friends.. i don't know what to do when she won't talk to me..
     
  9. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I see cren, I can understand that. I am glad you did join and are opening up here. I don't think you could ever get used to it. I think, with each time it happens you can be surprised less and less. It taking less effect on you but it can still and does hurt at some point. It's not fair and it's not nice to lose contact or have someone start ignoring you little by little. I'm not sure why people do it without saying, maybe they are afraid to. Sometimes I think it's okay just to ask, "is everything okay between us?" If they don't bother, at least you tried and to be honest if nothing serious has happened and they can't give a simple explanation, maybe they were not worth having as friends.

    This friend you have, do you still talk now? If she wants to be friends you should stick with that for now. Is she not talking to you as much or something?
     
  10. cren

    cren Well-Known Member

    we used to chat regularly.. before i go to work.. and when i get back from work.. i know she has her own life to deal with.. but when she just stop talking to me.. it was devastating.. i actually told her i'm self-harming and she told me she won't treat me differently.. but i can already feel her distancing herself.. she could just have been honest and told me she can't deal with me.. instead of doing this..
     
  11. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    has she been through the same stuff before as you? it may be she is overwhelmed and unsure how to support you. ive had friends run away when i tell them whats really going on. whatever the reason, im really sorry this is happening for you and hope you can repair this friendship or make some new ones.
     
  12. cren

    cren Well-Known Member

    thanks.. i'm really hoping that things work out between us.. i suppose i should just see how it goes.. as for having new friends.. i've been trying to find new ones here.. i suppose it's easier to make friends with people who knows what you are actually experiencing.. i'll try to make new ones here.. to be honest though, i'm afraid to meet new people and be too attached to them.. i'm scared the same thing will happen again..
     
  13. Lightwarrior

    Lightwarrior SF Social Media

    Hello Cren, unfortunately sometimes we meet people and get to be around people who don´t care about us, they can even use our company as long as it´s convenient to them and then leave us hurt without caring, seems like You´ve been hurt a lot, probably You expect others to give to You the good that You give to them and that´s a mistake because You create expectations which are not up to You. I know it feels bad when no one seems to care if u r okay or not but maybe You should start caring more about yourself instead of expecting it from them, what do You think ?

    You said something about prolonging your pain, I don´t believe that continuing to live is equal prolonging your pain, maybe it has been till now but it doesn´t mean it cannot change but You need to make efforts to make it change. When we give good things, we tend to expect others to do the same for us, when we care, we tend to expect others to care too but not always it´s like that, sometimes it´s rare.

    I once wished to become numb too, i wished to become like a machine, without feelings so my heart wouldn´t get hurt again but i realized that was a big mistake, just because people don´t appreciate my qualities, it doens´t mean i shouldn´t appreciate it, actually i should do it twice more and the same I say to You !!!

    Do not wish to become numb because that way You will drown even more in pain, You could make yourself stop caring, You could make yourself stop loving, You could make yourself stop doing good things for others but that pain You couldn´t stop and it would only increase due to the fact that You would have nothing opposite to it. You have good feelings, appreciate them even when others act like your heart is worthless, You need to know that it´s not, that it matters !!!

    Self harming is not going to decrease the pain You have within, it will only increase and only make you more addicted to harming your own self, care more about yourself, learn and develop such care because during difficult moments like the one You´ve been through, that is the only care that can rise You up and help You get strong

    Do not make what people think or feel or not feel about You, your condemnation, if they don´t appreciate You, there´s others who would but don´t expect it . I know You want to receive but giving without expecting something in return can help You cure your scars because that way You will learn how to appreciate yourself without caring if others do it and also understanding that your have qualities, they shouldn´t be thrown away or hidden

    Hope You think about it
    Do not give up on your life, it matters !!!
     
  14. cren

    cren Well-Known Member

    thanks.. i always feel useless and neglected by everybody.. that's probably the reason why when a person suddenly shows an interest about me, i get attached to them easily.. and it just hurts so much when that person also decided to neglect me like the rest of the people i know..

    i've just always run to self-harming when things get really tough.. it makes me feel like i'm in control on when i feel pain.. so it would really be difficult to totally stop doing it.. i know it's not the right thing to do.. but the semblance of control it gives me is too much to ignore..
     
  15. Professor Lambda

    Professor Lambda Active Member

    Oh, the desire to be alone. I know it very well. Honestly, in a situation like this, I've always loved being alone. If you're an introvert, it's definitely a great thing to consider.

    You know, I find myself saying this again and again, but you really need to let go of people. It's a fact of life. Sure, you'll find a few nice people, but people are bastards, they always have been. You cannot give yourself to everyone. Do not even waste your time with people who do not seem worthwhile. After all, you seem like a very friendly individual, so why waste your time on assholes? You're better than them, just ignore them and speak to people on your level of maturity, because they're clearly too dumb to have any meaningful relationship (that's my view, anyway. Sure, it makes me a bit of an asshole myself, but... Yeah, it just makes me feel good about myself, and it's probably quite true).

    I know this is a widely unpopular thing to say, but I'd personally avoid professional techniques to gain self-control. For some people, certain objects do help, but for others, they just don't. You need to find your way, a way other than self harm.

    You must learn to let go. This is not a lecture, it's a friendly tip from someone who has been through it (though I've never done self-harm).

    Learning to let go is incredibly important.
     
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  16. Lightwarrior

    Lightwarrior SF Social Media

    Hello again Cren,
    I can relate to You about that, my whole life I´ve been lonely and I´ve gotten deeply attached to the few people that ever showed interest and care about me, one of the reasons it took me so long to understand why they just left or wouldn´t bother to look for me anymore. I understand your pain, it´s like when You finally think a certain person will be different, they end up indifferent like others before, in my opnion, such people don´t respect others, one thing is to chat once in awhile and all, another is get involved with someone and make it look like it´s a real friendship or relationship and then walk away as if nothing happened, believe me, they will continue doing that with others, unfortunately !

    A lot of people live according to convenience, they stay with someone, they are " friends " with someone as long as it´s convenient to them but of course there is true people out there, with true feelings and true respect for others

    Maybe u feel control because u can forget about the pain You have in your heart for awhile, is that right ? That is masquerading a problem which is inevitable for You to face after the self harm moment is gone, You can´t continue living like that because it´s dangerous to yourself and do not have any good effect on the problem whatsoever.

    I can´t judge You, sometimes we all use certain things to try to get away from our pain but the thing is, it doesn´t go away ever, keeps building up within, that is why We need to face it, need to learn about ourselves, get to know our weaknesses but also our potential to be strong. It is during difficult moments that we can discover it and develop it because that´s when we are in need of such strength. That sensation of control is keeping u from actually doing something effective, something helpful to yourself

    One thing I tell You, do not try to understand why people get indifferent to You eve after everything You and them built together, they are indifferent people and would be like that with anyone else, We need to start protecting ourselves more from such people, and give more value to ourselves, the value people don´t give You, You should start giving yourself, i believe every big change starts with small ones, I believe You will stop self harming when You start looking at yourself and not have reasons to feel useless but feel valuable, put aside your flaws and mistakes for now, look at your qualities, look at the true and valuable feelings You have within, no matter how neglected they´ve been by people, You should value them or You´d be neglecting them as well

    It´s not worth destroying yourself over anyone, specially those who are not noble enough to receive the true feelings You have in your heart
     
  17. cren

    cren Well-Known Member

    thanks guys.. i'll try to do the things that you said.. it's just that when people starts to lose interest in interacting with me.. and starts to ignore me.. my insecurities just get the best of me.. and i think it has been my problem all along.. i'm too insecure.. well.. i can't really say there a lot of people to make me feel good about myself.. so i don't really consider the possibility that i may be good in something or that i have redeeming qualities.. weirdly enough i lots of nice things were said to me in this forum despite you guys being practically a stranger to me.. it's weird that strangers would try to reassure me i'm good enough while people who are supposedly my friends never take time to do that..

    as for self-harming i'll really try not to do it.. it would be difficult but i'll try.. i can't promise anything though.. it's the only thing that makes me feel a little bit in control even for awhile..
     
  18. Professor Lambda

    Professor Lambda Active Member

    We're all the same on this forum... We're the select few in the world who actually seem to care. People who haven't gone through it themselves often times do not realize what the pain is like.
     
  19. Katryn

    Katryn Member

    Most of us wear masks because of the people around us in this world and when you do let it slip once in a while if you like me its with the wrong kind of person who that eventually causes greater harm.... But every now and then great people show up that understand your pain and who doesnt try and tell you how to get past it but simply just hold your hand (literally or figuratively) and bear with you whilst you work through everything yourself. Because of the ugliness in this world we start believing that no one cares but believe me there are a lot of caring hearts out there and here, surround yourself with them
     
  20. cren

    cren Well-Known Member

    i'm starting to realize that.. thanks..
     
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