I want to be a cutter again. (may trigger)

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Passion, Oct 25, 2007.

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  1. Passion

    Passion Well-Known Member

    I guess you never really stop being a "cutter"
    once you start its a curse that you can't stop.
    the thoughts that constantly haunt you.
    The want, the Addiction, the feeling...
    Its been over two years since my last cut,
    and I want to give that all up.
    I want to cut again.
    and why not?
    If I want to so bad, why shouldn't I?
    My boyfriend wouldnt like it very much, neither would anyone else... but still i lay thinking, what if I just started again? what would happen?
    maybe just one more time?
    I'm sitting here, staring at my two year old scars, thinking, I remember how bad it got, and how far it took me...
    I went deep, god I went so deep...
    and I always went deeper...deeper...deeper...
    I just needed it.
    Maybe I need it now.
    and maybe its not a bad thing that I need it.
    or maybe i'm just crazy.
    I can't find a proper outlet for my feelings anymore,
    and all I want to do is cut.
    so why shouldnt I?
    its an amazing feeling..an amazing release..
    the thin sharp blades gliding almost effortlessly into my skin...
    and the thick jagged knifes I dragged deeply into my arm...
    i miss those feelings..
    and I want them back.
    oh god, whats wrong with me?
    i've made it so far and all I want to do is go back.
  2. sui caedere

    sui caedere Well-Known Member

    i know how it feels i so want to do it again.

    it has been 12years since last time but the feeling of the warm bloud flowing made me feel great it felt like all my problams were flowing from me.
    sort of cleaning me.
  3. I haven't cut in 2 years also... Tonight I am sitting here looking around the room looking for the perfect object. I want to cut so bad, but I know how out of control it got 2 years ago. Do I step back into that? It did feel good...
  4. rwillson

    rwillson Well-Known Member

    i stop and then i start, i stop for weeks months even years (although not years in a long time), then i start, i don't just start, i binge, and i binge bad, then i stop again. i guess it is better than it used to be, but i seemingly find my self doing something to exact some sort of self punishment, some form of activity that exacts some sort of self destructive behavior. lately it has been pushing myself to extremes in the gym, everybody thinks it is positive, but i know the truth, it is nothing more than my body image issues being exersized and the pain that happens in the gym as well in recovery is nothing more that brutal. i haven't relapsed into recreational drugs in years, i am tempted to find the local steroid dealer and that bothers me, yet at the same time these two issues, SI and Body Image are feeding off each other...

    what i would do just to carve myself up, just aleveiate these other pressors for a moment or two...

  5. Ruby

    Ruby Well-Known Member

    I haven't cut for over a month (I think, it may be longer) but oh do I miss it. It gave me this overwhelming sense of euphoria. I'd spent all day self harming if I could, I just don't want to upset people around me.
  6. Metallica*Melinda

    Metallica*Melinda Well-Known Member

    I just started again... after almost 2 months... that was a long time for me... But no matter how much I cut I want to do it more and more and more.....
  7. rwillson

    rwillson Well-Known Member

    i guess i am thankful i don't live alone any more, when i lived alone all i did was cut and burn, as well as starve myself. i was living away from my family, almost totally detached from them, it made it real easy...

  8. Abby Rose

    Abby Rose Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean I stopped cutting about a week ago, but then started again today. I just couldn't resist, I just needed that release.
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