I want to be free

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Multiple Man, Dec 1, 2014.

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  1. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Depression and anxiety are like living entities, or invisible monsters which is built on lies that parade through your mind. Lies built for one purpose destroy the person you are or could have been. Ive been in therapy since 2001. And whatever I am, whatever happened to me, whomever I was suppose to be Is gone, and what has been done to my mind, body, soul, and life cant be undone. Its invincible. It is a a part of me as much as the skin on my bones. Its there when I sleep, and when I wake up. It is complete blindness. A darkness so profound and crippling. Sometimes I feel like, if I killed myself I would kill it too. I could find pleasure in it dying, being destroyed. Not having the ability to hurt me or control me anymore. What people don't understand is im already dead. It has eaten so much of me that I have no feeling inside, ive lost everything. Im trapped here. Its not that I feel hopeless, its that I know there is no hope. And I don't want this life. Theres no pill or therapy for that. I just don't want to be here anymore. I have nothing to offer the world. The world has nothing to offer me. I got a lot to think about. I don't even know if im capable of killing myself. That's the brilliance of my condition. The anxiety would be unbearable. Im just trapped here to rot, get sick, and die. That's all I have to look forward to. People tell me life is beautiful. Sure, for many. But not for all. Not for me. So what justifies continuing to suffer? I don't want to suffer. I don't want this body. I don't want this life. I don't want this future.

    Part of my fear is that my consciousness would actually end up somewhere worse. As if this wasn't bad enough. Like I said im trapped. I don't remember consenting to being placed here but I feel like im being forced to .... live. Go through the motions. Wake up in this endless rat race. Where could I find that courage. Im desperate for it. To be able to say enough is enough, im leaving. I don't have it yet. I want to die. I desire to die. Just have no courage to kill myself.

    One day I will..... The pain has already exceeded my ability to cope. Ill be driven by the pain. Ill find the courage. Death is freedom. Soon Ill be free.... Ill be free.... Ill be free.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 1, 2014
  2. Invisible Child

    Invisible Child Antiquities Friend

    Hi Multiple Man. I have read your post several times because at this point we both share a lot of the same thoughts and feelings. I think when we get to a point that we feel dead inside everything that we think or even do seems meaningless... almost as if things would just continue to get worse and that there is not help for us, or we may even feel like we aren't worth the time or effort of receiving help. Someone once told me that a person can not see their own strength most of the time but that it took great strength to continue walking through life dealing with depression.

    Are you still in therapy and do you have a good relationship with your therapist? At times having someone that you can trust to talk to about anything makes a world of difference. Are you on medication to help with the depression? Feeling as if you are trapped is the worst feeling in the world. If you ever need to talk feel free to send me a message.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi multiple man ''the invisible monsters''' is a good way to put it. Just because others cannot see this illness does not mean it is not there. I don't really know what to say only I feel your pain and hope that you feel somewhat better soon. We really do understand.
  4. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Dealing with depression takes every ounce of strength. There is nothing left for the rest of lifes challenges. And there are many. My life is defined by it. Oh I want help. I deserve help. But, its not coming... is it. No. Of course its not. You just have people who sympathize and feel sorry. Noone cant help me, they can only just witness the deterioration and throw up hollow prayers. You cant help a person falling, you can just watch them fall. And then I die. And life goes on.

    Ive been in therapy seemingly forever. Imagine trying to give therapy to a fly stuck in a spiderweb. Teach me, how to cope, being tangled, in strings. Waiting. Theres no pill for that kind of fear and anguish. There is no therapy or way to cope. Its just your trapped and you know the end is near. I was born... I wanted to be something. Many people get to live their dreams. I got to live my nightmare.
  5. denise_c

    denise_c Active Member


    I also can relate to what you're saying and the pain you're describing. But there must be hope! You're still going and as IC said, it takes strengh to keep walking with depression.
    Let's say, it is not that life IS beautiful but that life CAN BE beautiful. For everyone it can.
    I believe depression (and pain) are the way our body and mind are pressing on the fact that we need to achieve change both inside and in our environment. If ever we can figure out what changes we need to make, we're on the way to relief!
    It's about believing there's a light somewhere in the dark, and you're blind, but still, you have got to find where it comes from and find your way out of the cave. No matter how long it takes, you can find your way out of the cave because there is one.
  6. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Hope is not a monolithic state of mind. Nor is it something you can reach and just grab out of the sky. At a certain point its hoping against hope. Or hoping for a miracle. And I don't believe in miracles. Life is not beautiful for everyone. Certainly not me. That's one thing that hurts the most. There is so much in life that is beautiful. So many experiences and things to see. Like love, travelling, having a family. All things ive never have and without it, what is life worth really? Very little. Its like going to Hawaii and all you can do is look out the hotel window. I cant be a part of the beauty. Cos everything about me inside and out is ugly. Ive failed at trying to change it.... Its just there. It just stays there. Like a cancer. Spreading to every aspect of my mind. Tearing down my feelings, emotions, things that I used to be interested in, things that used to make me happy. Only thing left is one desire. To be dead.
  7. denise_c

    denise_c Active Member

    Why ugly? I don't find what your write and your sensibility ugly and I don't agree!
    There is a lot of other things besides love, travel and having a family. Those things are limited compared to the immense possibilities in this world, and overrated as things that bring happiness to people.
  8. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder..... or so they say. It doesn't feel overrated when you've never had it to begin with. Im just .... ugly. I feel ugly, I look ugly, I am ugly. I feel like I have to be this way for people to properly distinguish what is beautiful. I guess that's my purpose in life. Woohoo.....

    Why does your status say "is living the nightmare."..... just curious.
  9. Bart

    Bart Banned Member

    I read this thread several times, scrolling up and down, and I totally concur with all that others have said. It sounds like your well has run dry, but that does not mean it can't be replenished. Like you, there were times when I felt that I was also denied a chance of a 'real life'. But MM, I did spot a sparkle from you in the middle of it all. You wrote 'There is so much in life that is beautiful. So many experiences and things to see. Like love, travelling, having a family.'

    Suppose that one day, out of the blue, somebody comes into your life and things change. Would you truly be able to be on the beach in Hawaii with your wife and three children playing on the beach, and say 'Only thing left is one desire. To be dead.'?

    I was much older than you are now when I met my wife.......
  10. denise_c

    denise_c Active Member

    I agree. Those things can always happen.
    It's true that our society is all about apparences and beauty. But it's not real happiness! There's nothing real! It's all artificial. Happiness has nothing to do with beauty. It's a light that comes from the inside. You may feel ugly, and that for this reason society is denying you happiness, but what is really happening is you denying happiness to yourself. In order to feel better, you may have to say f**k to society and things you believe are true and exchange them with REAL things. What those things are, you have to find out. But they can exist.

    I came to the forum because I was down so instead of living the dream I'm living the nightmare. But I guess I could change it to "is trying to feel better" now.
  11. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    I don't believe in miracles. Forgive my cynicism. Im a nice person. Theres only one person in the world I hate and that is myself. Seeing all that beauty torments me. There is a lot of factors in my life that will make it impossible for things to change. There is no "one day." There is no "somebody." There are no children playing. I have been torn apart. I could not offer anyone anything. Not even my heart. Congrats.... never ever take it for granted. Not for a single day, not for a single moment. I guess it was too late for me. You don't want to end up like this. Nearly insane, having conversations with yourself about when is a good day to die.... Good luck.
  12. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    I believe some of that Denise.... I would love to live in that world. My problem when your living with mental disorders, everything I see, including my reflection is like looking into a funhouse mirror. But I do know one thing. You can change yourself, but you cant change society and you cant change human nature. And sometimes enough people in your life can reveal the truth even you cant see it. And after awhile the world gives you a clear description of what you are. And its nearly unanimous. So its all I have, and all im left to believe.
  13. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    No escape.... no where to go.
  14. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Maybe you haven't been getting the right kind of therapy. Have you had the same therapist this whole time? I, too, have been in therapy for a long time and had many different therapists over the years and none of them have been helpful. I realized that I was looking in the wrong places for help. I have Borderline Personality Disorder (which they misdiagnosed as anxiety and depression for many years, by the way), and most general therapists have no experience on how to deal with a patient like me. They get patients with anxiety and depression for the most part, which is why that's all they really know how to treat. They gave me anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication and in therapy all I did was talk about how my week went. Completely useless, is what it was. The anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication did absolutely nothing for me, first of all. But hypothetically, even if they did, that's only one symptom of BPD that I could have crossed off the list. I have 8 symptoms out of 9. So, I still would have been completely screwed either way. And needless to say, talking about how my week went wasn't helpful either. So...having recognized the pattern myself, (since they were too stupid to do so) I realized I needed someone who actually specialized in personality disorders, or even Borderline Personality Disorder, itself. Someone who could do Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (for Borderline PD) with me instead of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (for depression and anxiety). That's why I gave up going to the therapists that I was going to. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to find the specialist that I need who takes my insurance, though, so I'm still kinda screwed even now, but the point is, maybe if you keep looking for someone different who actually does their job the right way or a different kind of therapy, you can get the help you need.
  15. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Ive had all kinds of therapy. Im not really here to find help or therapeutic remedies. Im suicidal, usually that means I don't see any hope in my situation and just bleeding my pain, anguish, despair and emotions out on forums where 4 or 5 people will read it. Im not reaching out anymore. After awhile you get tired of doors being shut in your face cos your poor or don't have insurance or enough money for medication or high price psychiatrists. Life is expensive. You have to buy your health back. I didn't cause my condition. I spent a small fortune in the last 13 years on all kinds of therapy. Once they told me I was treatment resistant and wanted to try ECT, I drew the line and gave up. Even yesterday I still found myself making calls to different hospitals about out patient services. But you have to have insurance. There aren't any group therapy meetings near my area. And im astounded at the lack of places online you can find support. Most chatrooms regarding depression and anxiety are filled with teenagers making jokes and and usually sad cos of a break up. I use the online crisis chat and I feel like im talking to a robot. I call suicide hotlines and I feel like im talking to someone half asleep who is just really uninterested and sound like theyre feeding me lines from a manual. My therapist who I see once a week for 30 mins gives me the worse advice. My Psych doctor who I see for 3 mins once every 3 months shoves me in the room ask how im doing, I tell him im going crazy, he decreases my clonazepam, and pops me out like a piece of toast..... "Ok, next crazy person please."

    Its not worth it.... I don't get why people always say that to me. As if life is this precious gift. Yeah sure life is worth living. If you actually have one. If you actually have something to live for. If your not debilitated and sick. If you have someone to share it with. Other than that, its just a hollow, lonley, meaningless, horrible existence. If you don't have control of your mind, you have nothing.
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