Depression and anxiety are like living entities, or invisible monsters which is built on lies that parade through your mind. Lies built for one purpose destroy the person you are or could have been. Ive been in therapy since 2001. And whatever I am, whatever happened to me, whomever I was suppose to be Is gone, and what has been done to my mind, body, soul, and life cant be undone. Its invincible. It is a a part of me as much as the skin on my bones. Its there when I sleep, and when I wake up. It is complete blindness. A darkness so profound and crippling. Sometimes I feel like, if I killed myself I would kill it too. I could find pleasure in it dying, being destroyed. Not having the ability to hurt me or control me anymore. What people don't understand is im already dead. It has eaten so much of me that I have no feeling inside, ive lost everything. Im trapped here. Its not that I feel hopeless, its that I know there is no hope. And I don't want this life. Theres no pill or therapy for that. I just don't want to be here anymore. I have nothing to offer the world. The world has nothing to offer me. I got a lot to think about. I don't even know if im capable of killing myself. That's the brilliance of my condition. The anxiety would be unbearable. Im just trapped here to rot, get sick, and die. That's all I have to look forward to. People tell me life is beautiful. Sure, for many. But not for all. Not for me. So what justifies continuing to suffer? I don't want to suffer. I don't want this body. I don't want this life. I don't want this future. Part of my fear is that my consciousness would actually end up somewhere worse. As if this wasn't bad enough. Like I said im trapped. I don't remember consenting to being placed here but I feel like im being forced to .... live. Go through the motions. Wake up in this endless rat race. Where could I find that courage. Im desperate for it. To be able to say enough is enough, im leaving. I don't have it yet. I want to die. I desire to die. Just have no courage to kill myself. One day I will..... The pain has already exceeded my ability to cope. Ill be driven by the pain. Ill find the courage. Death is freedom. Soon Ill be free.... Ill be free.... Ill be free.