I want to break free.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Wosush, Sep 4, 2013.

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  1. Wosush

    Wosush New Member

    Hello, I've signed up here pretty while ago and honestly never thought that it will go to the point of me actually writing something. But well, there's a first time for everything so. In the beginning, I just want to let you know that English is not my native language (cause I'm half Slovak, half Bulgarian), so excuse me in advance for any grammar flip flops. I'm in state of constant fighting with my depression and suicidal feelings since I broke up with my girlfriend (the most perfect woman that I've ever met). That's about a year of time. For the first 18 years of my life I was pretty lucky kid. I've got loving parents, great brother, amazing friends at the same time while I was finishing reputable math-oriented high school (even though I hate math more than anything), playing guitar in garage band, doing recreational drugs and most importantly being in love with girl of my dreams. However as we know "too much good is bad" and along with all that joy I kinda developed into super-confident, lazy, carefree, sometimes malevolent and unempathetic dick. Luckily again, everyone accepted me being that way. Right after graduating I must have made a choice: either stay with my girlfriend and attend the local university (Bratislava), or go with literally 'all' of my greatest friends to much more prestigious university abroad. The decision was a no-brainer for me, I stayed. Despite almost everyone including my parents was telling me to change my mind. They just couldn't realize that school is on my "value ladder" just so stupidly low compared to love. It was September 2012, when the semester began and as I'd expected my hatred towards the school (and math especially) rose to another level but still, everything was fine because I've got my "Queen of Hearts" along with my beloved guitar right next to me. And then, then I just f***ed up everything. I started to be frantically jealous and attached to her. I lied about her. I treated her brother and friends so badly. Finally after some time, she broke up with me and never wanted to see me again. That was the moment, when the actually living part of my soul died. I got punished and I deserved it, there is no doubt about it. Right after I tried to solve my problems through big amounts of drugs (ecstasy) and sex - both pretty expectedly failed miserably, I would say things have gotten even worse. And then I finally realized I must change myself. I must do it for HER. Since that, I began to be nicer and more helpful to my friends and people in general. I've started to donate blood regularly, teach little kids to play guitar, stopped shouting at my loving mom constantly etc. You can say, it just isn't anything special, I won't argue with you, but for me (and also the others) it kinda was. However the saddest part (at least for me) is yet to come. When I thought can finally look into her beautiful eyes again and asked her, the answer remained unchanged - never ever, she's done with me. The only thing, the only dream I've ever cared about is scattered. Tried to do my best - failed. I got literally no motivation in my life right now. Even that f***ing greatest invention in the world, the electric guitar doesn't bother me that much anymore and if it does, the sad ones are the only which I play. My family and friends are great, don't get me wrong - but everything is yet so gray and empty without her and I just can't live like that forever. I want to break free.

    Sorry for making it too long. Peace.
     
  2. Psych77

    Psych77 Well-Known Member

    I think I am feeling something similar. I was an asshole to my wife - I screamed at her when we fought, threw what amounted to temper tantrums, would make excuses for my behavior and even blame her. Now, she never wants to try to salvage our marriage again. But we still live together, because we can't afford to live separately. So every day, I have to see her icy looks at me, or see when she conspicuously avoids eye contact with me, looking the other way, talking to the kids, but not to me. I am trying to be better now, although I know it will make no difference. Like your girlfriend, my wife is done with me.

    I have so many times been tempted to start with drugs, or start drinking heavily. I have many times thought about going onto the Craigslist "Casual Encounters" section, so that I could just have some cheap sex to make me feel better for a few minutes. More than that, to be in a situation where another adult is actually happy for me to be there, and just wants something that I have to give. But, my religion prohibits doing any of these things, and I have raised my children in this religion. I don't want them to have the conflict of their father being a hypocrite, so I stay alone, trying to resist the draw of internet porn.

    Honestly, it wouldn't even have to be sex. What I wouldn't give for someone to just hold me affectionately. Even a hug once in a while from another adult, who could know what I'm going through and comfort me.

    Anyway, right now, my kids are what keep me alive. For their sake, I'll go on living, and in order to keep living, I have to find some way to be happy. You can only force yourself to plod on for so long, you know, so I'm looking for a way to have some joy in my life. But so far it's been a long search.

    One thing that helps me is to learn to look forward to little things. I watch an episode of my favorite TV show every night (makes a big difference when the rest of your life is dominated by working for others). Sometimes I'll treat myself to a hard cider - only one; you don't want to get yourself into heavy drinking at a time like this, it will only make things worse. Try to have just one little thing every day that you look forward to. Sometimes it's posting here for me. People say such nice things to me, and it makes me feel like not as much of a loser.

    People here are very supportive, and they make it a little easier to plod on. I'm sorry for your loss of the woman you love, and I hope you can find a way to be happy in the wake of that. Everyone here will be there for you, so you're not alone while you are trying to get it all figured out. :hug:
     
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