Okay, my name is Lea, (yes it is short for something but I'll elaborate when I'm a little more comfortable). I'm 16 years old and I was born with Spina bifida myelomeningocele. (The worst kind) But instead of my being bound in a wheel chair, slobbering on myself, (As most other's with myelomeningocele are) I look and act completely normal. All of my problems are on the inside. So no one can see them. So, everyone treats me like a normal teenager. You would think that's what I want, right? Yes, well, no...at the same time. I wanted to be treated normal, but I also want to be able to be normal. I would love to go running out in the woods with my friends playing flashlight tag...but I can't because I can't stand on my feet for too long. Also, my father and brother are both severely bi-polar. And not the crying, needy kind. The kind that would beat you in a heart beat. But, my brother is mostly away with his friends. While my dad...(the dead beat kind that stays with you.) His beatings are mentally. And everytime he does it, it's like an automatic impulse to go and cut myself. And I can't stop it. I'm always gone for some surgery or out for being sick. Or having some random pain pop up. I'm surprised I havnt failed a grade yet. I failed 3 classes this year, but still passed enough to be a junior. And I used to be an honorroll student, until my last surgery on my back in early 2008. I was out of school for 4 months, when I was only supposed to be gone for 1 month. And because, I'm a very outgoing person, after all the downtime I have to go through, I live through my friends. If my friends are happy, then (Most of the time) I'm happy. Now, I've had a bf here and there. 3, really since that surgery, and only one was serious enough. But it ended, and I still have no idea why. Now I liked him, but wasnt enough to become like obsessed. And I do miss him. We were good friends before that too. So, I started to cut after the surgery. then stopped for a while. then started again, (all because of my father big mouth). But stopped and mom made me go to therapy. Didn't work. I went there for about a year. and It seemed like I put a mask on every time I went in there. So I stopped going. I then started going over and seeing a psychiatrist. He's cool. but I havent been able to talk to him by myself yet. But, my life overall, is good. Awesome friends, good family, (not great financially). But my personal self...my personal life...is sh*t. Struggling with my illness. my dad's bi-polar-ness. My mental health. I want that life to end. but I know I physically couldnt do it, for fear of hurting my mom. I'm everything to her, she's everything to me. She's gone through this with me, but she doesnt know how much it hurts. I've already hurt her once and I dont want to do it again. I want to kill myself. I want to die. But I can't. I just need help!