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I want to, but I can't. Please help!

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Okay, my name is Lea, (yes it is short for something but I'll elaborate when I'm a little more comfortable).
I'm 16 years old and I was born with Spina bifida myelomeningocele. (The worst kind) But instead of my being bound in a wheel chair, slobbering on myself, (As most other's with myelomeningocele are) I look and act completely normal. All of my problems are on the inside. So no one can see them. So, everyone treats me like a normal teenager. You would think that's what I want, right? Yes, well, no...at the same time. I wanted to be treated normal, but I also want to be able to be normal. I would love to go running out in the woods with my friends playing flashlight tag...but I can't because I can't stand on my feet for too long. Also, my father and brother are both severely bi-polar. And not the crying, needy kind. The kind that would beat you in a heart beat. But, my brother is mostly away with his friends. While my dad...(the dead beat kind that stays with you.) His beatings are mentally. And everytime he does it, it's like an automatic impulse to go and cut myself. And I can't stop it. I'm always gone for some surgery or out for being sick. Or having some random pain pop up. I'm surprised I havnt failed a grade yet. I failed 3 classes this year, but still passed enough to be a junior.
And I used to be an honorroll student, until my last surgery on my back in early 2008. I was out of school for 4 months, when I was only supposed to be gone for 1 month. And because, I'm a very outgoing person, after all the downtime I have to go through, I live through my friends. If my friends are happy, then (Most of the time) I'm happy. Now, I've had a bf here and there. 3, really since that surgery, and only one was serious enough. But it ended, and I still have no idea why. Now I liked him, but wasnt enough to become like obsessed. And I do miss him. We were good friends before that too. So, I started to cut after the surgery. then stopped for a while. then started again, (all because of my father big mouth). But stopped and mom made me go to therapy. Didn't work. I went there for about a year. and It seemed like I put a mask on every time I went in there. So I stopped going. I then started going over and seeing a psychiatrist. He's cool. but I havent been able to talk to him by myself yet. But, my life overall, is good. Awesome friends, good family, (not great financially). But my personal self...my personal life...is sh*t. Struggling with my illness. my dad's bi-polar-ness. My mental health. I want that life to end. but I know I physically couldnt do it, for fear of hurting my mom. I'm everything to her, she's everything to me. She's gone through this with me, but she doesnt know how much it hurts. I've already hurt her once and I dont want to do it again. I want to kill myself. I want to die. But I can't. I just need help!


Staff Alumni
I was wondering if there is something you could look forward to in the future. Do you think it is possible that someone else can care for you in the future so that you do not have to endure your father and brother's issues? You say you are 16, so I was thinking that maybe you can move out when you are finished with school and such?

On a side note, I enjoyed welcoming you in that other thread of yours! Blimey, this post definitely is packed (P.S. that's a compliment)! ;)


Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend
Hi Lea,
Do you have any relatives to go live with?? Maybe your grandparents??Does you mom know whats going on with your brother and dad as far as abuse?? I'm really sorry you have to go thru this..Suicide is not the answer.. When you turn eighteen you can move out.. Really at sixteen you can become emancipated but you have to prove you can support yourself...I wish you the best!!
Hi Lea,

Suicide is not the option you're looking for. You need to open up in therapy because if you don't - then you won't reap the significant benefits. I should also say that in therapy - and particularly when it comes to disability - I have CP - that you may well have to talk about things that are not pleasant and will have you think about your perceptions of yourself.

Having said that I'd recommend it wholeheartedly, because when you come out the other side - it becomes very much easier.

If you wanna drop me a line anytime, my PM box is always open. As I say I have Cerebral Palsy so in terms of disability I can also offer certain areas of fellow-feeling too.

Keep safe,


Well-Known Member
Hey Lea - you sound like a really positive person. You dismiss your medical issues, and point to those worse off. I know you can have your condition and look perfectly normal - I know a few in my town - some are visibly affected - others in wheelchairs. Thankfully you are not affected mentally - you are pretty intelligent and level headed for 16. Shame I'm 46! But I'm sure that some young man your age will be be the luckiest man in the world one day!

Glad to see you have not got obsessed with any boys! Keep it up - because you need to be happy in yourself and not risk gambling your emotional well-being right now. Hell - your only 16 - so with 3 bf's - just be glad you know you can find a boy when life is better again.

And life will be better. You are lucky you came here - because had you just kept all this to yourself it can make things really bad. Talking to people helps a lot - just opening up to other people is a great way to start to deal with opening up to people in your real life!

We are real here - stick around and you will make friends. We are not friends who judge you - we accept you as you are. No need to pretend like you have to do in real life. It is hard to keep this 'secret' we all have about wanting to die! But listen to people here - and come here each day.

Try and find someone like you - plenty of young girls your age - and so on. Its just nice to be able to open up more.

Your life is not so bad - you do say that. And as for making friends happy - you must be a great friend as you put others first. However, for now we need to put YOU first. After all - if you get better then its better for everyone in your life.

So its time for YOU to find happiness now.

And here we are at the start - with you wishing you were dead - but knowing how unhappy that would make people. You are trapped in a horrible place right now - but stick with us and we will tell you how to get out of that trap which is created in your own mind!

Education is something for you. University and so on. I 'feel' like your path is not just sitting at home watching daytime TV.

Sure it seems bad now - but things are not that bad and they will get better for you.

In a few weeks you will be inspiring us - that's the feeling I get from your post anyhow.

My cousin just found out her dad has bi polar. That is hard also - but your dad loves you I bet - I have depression but love my nieces and nephews to bits.

Hope some of this helps.

Good luck from the UK
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