Over the past year, my life has really gone downhill. Last summer, I stood by my grandmas death bed watching her die in horrible pain. Is that what I'm living for? Just to die in a horrible painful way? I got kicked out of the college I was in because my grades were falling fast. I'm in debt to my parents several thousand dollars and don't have a job and can't get one and yet my mom keeps bugging me to pay her back. I am quickly losing my friends and at this rate will be out shortly. I even lost my best friend because I recently came out to my family and close friends. So I was getting depressed and started at the community college here and now I find myself lying in bed all day not doing my homework when I know I should. I just have stopped caring. So I'll probably fail out this semester also and end up a loser. To top it all off, I had a major crush on a girl in my high school and finally built up the courage to ask her out and she said no. So I've recently been having thoughts of suicide, even when I don't want them. There are people who are much worse off than me, so why do I feel this way? It makes me feel a little selfish and so then I feel worse. I can't talk to my parents about my depression and suicidal thoughts because they'll probably just get mad at me. I'm afraid to talk to any of my friends because they always make fun of "emo kids" and they'll just make fun of me for it. Frankly, I'm afraid of talking to anyone because I'm scared they'll just lecture me and make me feel like a selfish bastard. Basically, I want to kill myself, but I can't. I'm too scared to do it. So I keep living hoping that someday everything will get better, but it just steadily gets worse. If only there was a quick and painless way to kill myself. I wouldn't be hurting too many other people. I carved the Rammstein logo into my arm once and my parents didn't even notice. I didn't try to hide it, so really, how much could they be hurt if I died?