I Want To, But I Can't

[stlouisrams00]

Over the past year, my life has really gone downhill. Last summer, I stood by my grandmas death bed watching her die in horrible pain. Is that what I'm living for? Just to die in a horrible painful way?

I got kicked out of the college I was in because my grades were falling fast. I'm in debt to my parents several thousand dollars and don't have a job and can't get one and yet my mom keeps bugging me to pay her back. I am quickly losing my friends and at this rate will be out shortly. I even lost my best friend because I recently came out to my family and close friends. So I was getting depressed and started at the community college here and now I find myself lying in bed all day not doing my homework when I know I should. I just have stopped caring. So I'll probably fail out this semester also and end up a loser. To top it all off, I had a major crush on a girl in my high school and finally built up the courage to ask her out and she said no.

So I've recently been having thoughts of suicide, even when I don't want them. There are people who are much worse off than me, so why do I feel this way? It makes me feel a little selfish and so then I feel worse.

I can't talk to my parents about my depression and suicidal thoughts because they'll probably just get mad at me. I'm afraid to talk to any of my friends because they always make fun of "emo kids" and they'll just make fun of me for it. Frankly, I'm afraid of talking to anyone because I'm scared they'll just lecture me and make me feel like a selfish bastard.

Basically, I want to kill myself, but I can't. I'm too scared to do it. So I keep living hoping that someday everything will get better, but it just steadily gets worse. If only there was a quick and painless way to kill myself. I wouldn't be hurting too many other people. I carved the Rammstein logo into my arm once and my parents didn't even notice. I didn't try to hide it, so really, how much could they be hurt if I died?

 

[Breathe]

You can always talk to us on here

Could you speak to a doctor about these feelings as you have no one close who you feel comfortable talking to. I have recently found they can help a lot and they do not judge. On average a doctor will speak to one person about depression everyday, maybe you could be that person. It is better to get it out there and not bottled up.

Your falling grades, lack of self esteem and little will to do anything is because of the depression. You could take a day to yourself, go for a walk and pamper yourself. I don't know what it is like in America but lately in England is has been warm, take advantage and see the sites in Arizona. Take a "me" Day, focusing on doing the things you want to do.

You are not selfish for feeling like this, everyone deals with depression and some people deal with it more. Your parents probably are trying to deny it. No parent wants their child to deal with bad events or depression so if it happens (Ie the logo on your arm) then they will deny it and believe everything is okay.

Jobs are scare everywhere in the world due to the economics. Just keep your head up keep looking, your parents will just have to wait. Their impatience will not get it quicker.