So I don't really cut, which is good, but a while ago I just...sorta did it. Like...last week. I don't really know why I did it. It was like one minute I was standing in the bathroom and the next I had a really shallow cut (didn't even bleed) on my wrist and a safety pin in my hand and I wanted to make the cut deeper (I stopped myself from doing so) and it really scared me because I really wanted to do it more. I still want to do it more. I liked it, I liked the physical pain that I could focus on and I liked being able to feel something since I was feeling empty when I was doing it and it scares me that I want to do it so badly because I've seen what it does and I don't want to go there and I promised my friend I wouldn't do it but I really really really want to. I've been trying distractions. Snapping rubber bands works the best, but sometimes it doesn't help at all. I tried writing on my arm with red pen and deluding myself into believing that they were cuts but that didn't work either. I've cried I've written poetry I've run around like a maniac I've done a lot of things but I want to do it so badly.... But at the same time I feel obligated not to.