I want to but I'm also afraid.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by CrystalB., Jan 16, 2011.

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  1. CrystalB.

    CrystalB. New Member

    I am a 17 year-old girl and for a long time I have contemplated suicide. I attempted to kill myself recently. I have never been high, nor have I ever been drunk, so when I took the pills, I thought it would be enough. Unfortunately, I ended up going to school under the dizzying and frightful effects XXXXXXXX. It was a miracle that I did not pass out. I told my friends that I had a sinus infection, and the medication the doctor gave me was too strong. I was barely coherent. I was terrified of being caught, and when one of my teachers made me go to the nurse, I almost cried. She asked me if I had taken any pills, and my heart stopped. I denied it and she sent me back without question. I somehow made it through the day, and slept for hours and hours, hoping that the pills would just kill me already. I failed.
    I've hinted at my attempt to see how my father would react. He became very angry and told me, "If you EVER say anything like that again, I'll send your ass to an insane asylum in a fucking heart-beat!!"

    He told me that people that kill themselves go to hell. I never believed it because I'm an agnostic atheist, but just witnessing his lack of compassion broke me even further. In some sick, twisted way, I wanted him to suffer when he discovered my dead body, and make my brother regret every time he's said, "I hate you. I wish you were dead!"

    ...and here I am in that dark prism again.

    I have contemplated suicide every day since then. I'm rambling and should just shut up now, but typing this out feels so good. There's so much more I want to say, but I know it's just pathetic whining.

    Thanks for giving me a place to rant.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 16, 2011
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No it is not pathetic whining it is releasing the pain inside you it is releasing the sadness. Hun if you dad did not care he would not have gotten so angry. He cares immensley about you He would not have threaten to send you to insane asylum if he did not care Do you understand He was hurt inside to hear those words and afraid so he got angry instead of showing you how it hurt him that you would want to leave him that way.

    Your brother god all brothers tend to say things they don't mean out of anger or just being a real pain they say things that hurt but they do not mean it.

    I think you need to consider seeing a psychologist a therapist to get to the root of all this pain okay.

    Go back to the school councillor and talk and get some help for you Never ever leave you family with that kind of pain and sadness never okay not when there is help for you

    You can pm me anytime you need to talk okay but please please talk to your councillor and get some help now for you
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...so glad your attempt did not work...there are many people here who can relate to what you have written...have you spoken to anyone about how you are feeling? Through support, both professional and peer, many you can find other ways to lessen the pain...welcome again and please keep posting and letting us know how you are doing...J
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Hello Crystal B!

    Welcome to the forum!

    sorry that you have been feeling so bad. I'm glad that your attempt didn't work

    do you want to talk more about why you feel suicidal in the first place?

    I bet it has something to do with a dad that yells and doesn't understand, and having a brother that says mean, vicious things to you.

    Do you feel like your family life is abusive? Is there a relative that you trust that you could live with?

    please feel free to say more. it's not pathetic to talk about how you feel. it's actually really healthy if it makes you feel better!

  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hey Crystal, welcome to SF. This is a very supportive forum with many caring members. I'm sorry to hear that your father is not very supportive of your depression, but it must have been scary for him learning that you're suicidal. Please don't harm yourself again. What is causing you to feel this way? :hug:
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