I think about committing a lot. I've written letters to my family a couple of years ago just in case it happens one day. I suffer from bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, and panic disorder. Some days I feel completely fine. Then other days, like this one, I fantasize and search for painless ways to do it. I am close with my family and sometimes they are the only reason I'm still here, especially my little brother. I tell my mom about my feelings and sometimes she won't even reply. It hurts because we are so close. I see a psychiatrist but I'm scared, to be honest with her about my thoughts. I'm scared one day my mind will finally make a decision. One day I won't care how my family feels. One day that I will show my mom I was serious. I stay in my room a lot so I know could take something and die before they find me and try to stop it. Honestly while typing this it feels a little good to say my thoughts that I've been holding in since I was 12 (I'm 23). I know most of my mental troubles started to arise around the time my stepfather came into my life. When he and my mom got into arguments he was very verbally abusive. He called me a 'hoe' once (I'm still a virgin btw). Somedays our family is good and some days we aren't. I have told my mom about how I feel about him. She listens but doesn't do anything to solve the issue. She talks with him then acts like everything is fine afterward. I truly started holding in my feelings because when I tried to express myself as a child he would tell me to "stop wearing my feeling on my shelves" and that is what I did. Now, look where holding everything it has got me. I recently told him how his words affected my life. He did not take it seriously. My mom fussed at him for maybe 30 mins then went back to watching a movie with him even though she encourages me to tell him how I feel. Crazy, right? I just need to know I'm not alone. That at least one person can relate to how I feel. However, I still feel about even making this post because I feel like I'm complaining. I know there are people out there that truly deserve to be helped. I feel like I'm taking up the resources that they need. I feel like I'm being selfish......honestly I just don't know what to feel at this point.